My Weight

For the past few years, I have really been struggling with my weight. I have gained a lot of weight in the last 3 years. The initial weight gain was stress related (in the past three years, my father has had a heart attack, suffered renal failure, had a stroke and most recently had one of his toes amputated, my mother has had a couple of breakdowns, my brothers are...nuts and then there are my own things going on in my life). But I haven't really done much to try and get the weight under control. It's almost like I am in denial. I see pictures of me and I wonder "who's that cute fat girl", only to realize that it's me. I've got to do something about this and it starts now. 

I recently set a goal to lose 70lbs by May 1st. Yes, 7-0. Yes it seems like a lot of weight but I have a lot to lose. But more importantly than having a lot to lose, I have so much more to gain. And I owe it to myself, my husband (yes, I said husband - no, there isn't something that I didn't tell you), my children and grandchildren, my friends and my family to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I started tracking my weight this week. Every morning before I get in the shower, I get on the scale. When I get to work, I plop the data into a spreadsheet. On Friday, I recently added two more sheets to the document, a food tracker and a activity tracker. 

So far, the weight tracker has been interesting because I think about my eating habits and how that translates to what's on the screen. So starting this week, I'm going back to planning my meals, making it a point to have breakfast, to sit down and cook dinner. I'm always amazed when I cook something and it tastes so good. But it's not like I can't cook, so I shouldn't be shocked. It's just that I don't. And when I do cook, it's either some sort of chicken, or spaghetti. But I'm about making changes now. And really trying to holding myself accountable. And it starts now. 

I'm not going to celebrate another birthday in this fat suit. It's not about looking good in a two piece on the beach. It's about feeling good when I put on jeans, it's about not being winded when I walk up a couple of flight of stairs. It's about getting rid of this flat patch on my ass and getting some sort of figure back. It's about recognizing more than just my face in my pictures. It's about a strong healthy heart, a life free from diabetes and heart disease which has plagued my family for so long. It's about living a long life, like my grandmother and my uncles. It's about taking care of me (first and foremost) and being there for others. I don't want to check out earlier than I have to. Therefore, it's time for me to take care of me and my weight.

A Failed Justice System

When I first started this post, it didn't have a title. I thought about it and I didn't just want to base this on the sentencing in the Oscar Grant trial, although it is somewhat motivated by it. For those of who you may not be aware of the Oscar Grant situation, Oscar Grant was a young man in the Bay Area who was "accidentally" killed by a transit officer who claims he was reaching for his taser and reached for his gun instead, while Grant was faced down and handcuffed on the ground. The transit officer, Johannes Mehserle, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter and was sentenced to two years in prison with time served. Without getting into too many more details about the trial, the case and it's impact on me, I do want to say that we live in a time where justice is rarely served. 

Help me understand this folks: Johannes Mehserle received two years with time served for shooting an unarmed man on New Years' Eve 2009

Michael Vick, NFL Quarterback, received a 21 month prison sentence and a suspension from the NFL for DOG fighting.

Plaxico Burress, former NFL wide receiver, received a 2 year prison sentence for shooting HIMSELF. 

Ben Roethlisberger, NFL Quarterback, has seen his fair share of high profile problems off the field - a near fatal motorcycle accident, and sexual assault allegations in 2008 and 2010 which led to no criminal charges being filed but a 4 game suspension from the NFL. 

Now I know it's not right to just pick on celebrities and their legal troubles (luckily I didn't pick on white b list druggies) but I use these four examples to make a point. We live in a time where our justice system continues to fail us. I don't know if it's only in America, but why is it that what Michael Vick did so much more vicious than what Johannes Mehserle did? Now I am not an animal person, but I believe an animal's life can't be more precious that a human life. That may sound controversial that may not be PC, but I don't believe a man should have to serve more jail time for killing a dog than killing someone else. I'm not saying that you shouldn't value an animal's life, I just can't wrap my head around an animal's life being valued more than a human life. After Michael Vick served his time and lost millions of dollars, people are still hounding him (no pun intended) about him and the dogfighting. In my best Allen Iverson voice, "we're talking about dogs...not people, but dogs." GTFOH....

Plexiglass - that dumb ass fool deserves to be in jail for shooting himself, there's no question about that. But he "accidently" shot himself and got two years in prison - not with time served. Yes he endangered the lives of many, but this dumb ass is basically in jail for shooting himself. He may get out for "good behavior" but he's still a dumb ass...

Ben - all I can do is shake my head at him. I believe he has so much potential as an athlete but he makes some of the dumbest choices. But it also looks like even in making those choices, he gets bailed out. And that's unfortunate. I believe most people won't learn the lessons they should learn if they keep getting bailed out and told "okay just don't do it again". 

So what does all this mean? I feel like the justice system, like a lot of systems in America may have an agenda against the African American male. I believe if the situation in the Oscar Grant case had been reversed, the verdict would have been different but the outcome would have been the same. I don't know what we can do to change it. What I do know is that we live in a time with a failed justice system.

First Impressions, Being Mean, Offering Advice and Good Intentions

So I had a situation today. I offered someone some advice about their resume. My intention was to offer feedback. Not to be mean, not to hurt feelings but to offer constructive criticism. Apparently I was hard about it. So I did what I always do, I get another opinion or opinions. The bestie said I was a little harsh, the neighbor said not so much, the work BFF said I was on point. Now my thing is this - I know how I receive certain information. Knowing this about myself, I am very cautious about how I say things to people. I have never received criticism well, constructive or otherwise. My feedback wasn't received well. In fact, the person has not spoken to me since this AM. I sent a follow up email apologizing for my actions and saying that from now on I will keep my feedback to myself. But this started something else. Footnote: apparently I suffered from foot and mouth syndrome today. I said something to someone else that was misinterpreted. I don't know if I cleaned that up either. But at least he's speaking to me. 

So I ask the receptionist at work if I was mean. She said no, but she thought that I was mean when she first started. I was a little offended but then I asked her was I mean or was it that we just didn't know each other. She said that she didn't know but we're cool now. I don't remember how I was to her when she first started but I know it wasn't my intention to be mean. 

Now I know this has a lot to do about feeling and perception, as well as honesty and truth. I will apologize if I hurt your feelings but at the same time I won't feel bad about telling you the truth. Hopefully you can respect that perspective. I am not a mean person. I am not a mean spirited person. I'm too sensitive to be that. Even when cracking jokes, I try not to go too far because if it comes back on me I'm gonna get butt hurt. And it takes NOTHING for me to start crying. So I'm not going to do anything that would make them cry. My intentions most of the time are good. I don't intentionally try to hurt anyone or go out of my way to be mean. That's just not me. 

But as I said before, I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood. If you don't get the reference, watch this video 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O0y3Rg2SnI

Analyzing My First Solo

So Sunday (7/25/2010), the unthinkable happened.

Here's the back story:

As many of you may know, I am in the choir at my church. I've been singing for like 15 years, more or less. While that may shock most of you, I maintain that it's nothing to be in the choir. I am an awesome choir member, but I am also nowhere close to being a soloist. I do not have that gift and I am okay to say that. Last week at rehearsal, the choir learned a new song and our director said that anyone who wasn't at rehearsal on Friday would not be able to sing on Sunday. Okay, no big deal. I kept telling myself that I need to rehearse my music for Sunday. Well I didn't until Sunday morning. I was running tardy for the praise and worship party but made it in time to march in. We were down quite a few choir members which meant that marching in wouldn't take that long. Our count from the day was 5 sopranos, 4 Altos (including yours truly), 1 (Guest) Tenors and 2 Basses.  Everything is going as scheduled. We are singing our new song and I'm thinking we're going to be done (it's not uncommon for us to do a one and done. This Sunday, however, was not a one and done Sunday). Then our director signals for our band to play one of our church favorites. Again, no big deal. Things didn't really get surreal until my director pointed at me, signaling me to sing the first solo! HUH!???? At first I felt completely picked on. Why the hell are you calling on me? What the hell is this about? This was not rehearsed nor was it previously discussed. While I'm feeling all these things (and a million others), I don't shake him off, I walk up to the mic, wondering what the hell this is going to sound like. As I'm walking to the mic, I did get a warm reception. I sang my little 6 or 8 lines and walked back to my spot in the Alto section. This was a pretty traumatizing situation for me. While I do pretty well in front of large groups, I definitely need prep time and a damn heads up. Sheesh! But I do remember feeling really picked on. But there were some good points from my First Solo. They are listed below.

Things that went well with my solo:

1. I did it
2. I didn't forget the words
3. It appeared to be received well
4. I felt okay after doing it
5. I realized that I wasn't singing to appease the people at my church, I was singing to praise the Lord
6. I didn't fall or otherwise embarrass myself. 

Things that that didn't go so well with my solo:

1. My voice cracked because I was visibly nervous (rightfully so)

Now that I think about it, if that's all that went wrong with it, as far as I'm concerned, then my solo was really a success and I really am open to doing another. Just not on the impromptu like I did it before. 

(Why did it take me so long to finish this blog...because I've been fartin' around doing a million and six other things. Shame on me...but it's done now...on to the next one!)

In This Moment

I had gotten away from blogging tonight because I started farting around on FB, but then I got a text message from one of my dear friends from high school saying that she just lost her baby. I am devastated right now. I am a believer that things happen for a reason and that some time that reason isn't seen or known. Believing and being comforted in the moment are two different things. When you are confronted with the inevitable, believing is what will get you through in the long run, but you will still need to be comforted in the moment. This moment, there is nothing that I can say or do that can help her with her pain. The unexpected loss of a child, there is nothing a friend can say in the moment to comfort a grieving mother. Believing that she will see her son again doesn't change anything that she is feeling in this moment. Part of the reason why this touches me so, is because I've been there, I've seen it, I've felt it and I know that there's nothing that can be done to help in this moment. Losing a child is something I wouldn't wish on anyone no matter what they had done to me. A part of you dies when that happens and there is nothing that can be said or done to change that. Even having another baby, doesn't mean that you forget about this one. I am so sad in this moment. But I will continue to pray and believe that this moment will pass.

Putting It Into Perspective

So tonight when I got home from work, I stopped by my parents' house as I normally do. I've been pissed with my mom recently about some things that she said and did as it related to my birthday.  Tonight she said something and it pissed me off so bad, I was gonna come home, blog and get it off my chest. I got distracted, watched some Star Wars, got to talking to Hank on Skype, basically, just didn't get to it. I get on Facebook not too long ago to check on my home girl who went into labor today. I had been picking on her, I wanted her to have the baby on Friday (my birthday) but she went in today (mind you she came to work today!). Earlier she posted that by the time she had gotten to the hospital she was already well on her way to delivering the baby. So when I checked on her again, she had had her son (Yay!), a little over 7 and 1/2 pounds, and born with down syndrome. I texted my co worker (a different one) about the latest edition to our expanding family. As we talked on the phone, the shock kind of just sank in. My home girl who had the baby posted this on her status : So we welcomed Valentin into the world at 5:56pm. He weighed in at 7lbs 10 ounces. However, GOD decided that I am strong enough to handle a child with Down Syndrome and I accept the challenge. I love my son more than words can express and am willing to do whatever it takes to make his life as easy as possible.

That is pretty deep,  that is powerful, that is love. It's also an opportunity for me to step back for a second. Think, reflect, pray and appreciate. I try not to hold grudges (I think I do pretty well in that department). I am disappointed in my mom right now, which is a tough thing to say. But my heart goes out to my co worker. Growing up in a household with a child with special needs, is a challenge and I can only imagine what it's like from a mother's perspective. I pray for patience, understanding and God's grace as she goes through this life with a new challenge and greater opportunities. 

Lord, in the name of Jesus, I come before you on behalf of PC. You have presented her with a great challenge, but I know that you are a great God and that you have already worked out this situation before the challenge was even presented. Lord, be with PC, her family and friends, as we try to help her as we can. Give us what we need to minister and help her with her situation. Bless baby Valentin as he grows in this new place and he feels the love surrounding him because he was loved before he was here. Lord, be with the siblings as they will have to adjust not only to a new baby in town, but one who will need a little more care and attention than the others. Grant the parents grace, patience and strength to trust in you through this transition. It's not gonna be easy Lord, but it is doable with You leading the way. Be with them and be with us. These blessings I ask in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Humbling and Interesting Moment

So earlier this week I had lunch with an old boss and it produced a humbling and interesting moment. 

Here's the background to why she is an old boss. 

In 2005 when I came home, I was looking for a job and came across a position in the public sector. I had the skill set to compete for the job and after being unemployed for close to six months, it was time for me to get back into the workforce, even if it was something completely different from what I spent five years studying at Howard. I was excited to take the job because it was a definite change from what I had just come from and I was inspired because I was going to be surrounded by people who looked a LOT like me. (Little did I know that working in an office with all black women would be more challenging than I could have ever imagined.) I was going to have a mentor, someone who could possibly help me get back on track after I had been knocked down. That wasn't exactly the case. The person that I was working for (at least it appeared to me) seemed to be a little intimated by me. (It surprises when people are intimidated by someone because of a piece a paper. The paper doesn't make the person, the experience makes the person.) Anyway, things between my old boss and I appeared to be going smoothly as things usually do during the honeymoon phase. I was encouraged and excited about my work as a public servant. That didn't last long. One of the challenges that I had to deal with with is not being properly trained in doing my job and not getting evaluations about my progress while I was on probation. Long story less long, I said and did somethings that I shouldn't have done and I was dismissed from my job. Three incidents within the span of a two week period will kind of do that. It appeared to me that the reaction of two of the events were powertrips. (I didn't want her job and had no intentions of trying to take it from her - I was not and am not that kind of person). 

Anyway, I was dismissed from my job and was unemployed yet again. I maintained a great relationship with my immediate supervisor, who kept me in the loop about things going on in the office since my departure. Every now and again, as an act of maturity (or just an attempt to be like "ha ha bitch you can't keep me down"), I would stop by the office and say hello. I had good relationships with everyone in the office, and I wouldn't be hella disrespectful towards the person who dismissed me. One thing about my immediate supervisor, she was always saying that I was definitely needed back in the office because of the things and the skills that I brought to the office. She was my biggest fan and she hated to see me go. The two of them would have conversations regularly where she would say Camille needs to be back in the office.

Fast forward to earlier this year, the department head approached me about doing some contract work for the office. Apparently, there were some personnel problems in the department and one person wouldn't make it much longer. Damn, that sucks. Now one thing about this job, is that they pay was right! I was ballin' (especially compared to where I am now). There was consistent overtime which was a good thing. If there were two things that I missed about my old job, getting paid every other week and having my car note automatically deducted from my pay check. It was a beautiful thing. So anyway, shit's a little crazy in the office. That kinda sucks. So my biggest fan tells me that the department head is going to contact me about some work in the office. So she contacts me and I told her that we should sit down some time and discuss. I prayed about the situation and was looking for some guidance as to what do to. On one hand, there was no way that I was going to work for that chick in those circumstances and run the risk of being dismissed again. But the flip side is that, the money was great and I could do more. If there was ever a time for me to seek some guidance from the Lord this was that time. So after I didn't hear from her for a while, I just charged it to the game and just doing what I was supposed to be doing. I had gone into the office one day and she was like we still need to talk. I told her to just go ahead and call me when she had some time. 

Now we're into last week. I get a phone call from my biggest fan, telling me that shit's hit the fan in the office and one person has been suspended indefinitely - creating two vacancies in the office. I get a phone call while I am in DC at my meeting on campus and a text message about talking about the work she wants done. I let her know that I am out of town and I will touch base with her when I get back to CA. So I send her a text message asking what her schedule was like and if she was about Tuesday to chat. We ended up having lunch at Kincaid's - her treat. Fancy. I got there shortly after 1 which is when I was supposed to be there and we hugged, chatted and looked at the menu. As we're getting into the meat and potatoes of the lunch, she spends HELLA time talking HELLA bad about the chick who was put on leave indefinitely. The whole time we're having lunch, she's just talking and I am taking it in. Now before I got to Kincaid's, I called my biggest fan and told her about what was getting ready to go down. She advised me to just listen to her and know that she's under hella stress. In addition to all that, I prayed which actually helped calm me before the meeting. So I'm at lunch listening to what she has to say and we get to the point that I really wanted to know about. There was a point where she just looked at me and told me that I was supposed to be right under her. She looked at me and said that to the present moment, she regretted having to dismiss me and it was the biggest mistake she ever made. Wow, really. I just smiled and nodded. She also said that I had put her in a tough position, we were at a stand still but because she was the boss - she had to win. But did you really win if you're back four years later asking for my help. 

The whole thing was quite humbling, both for me and her. I'm sure it had to hurt her pride to say what she had to say. The humbling and interesting part for me was that I told my mom about the situation and the lunch and my mom took her side. At first I was hot! But then I thought about it, she was right. The rational side of me is responsible enough to admit that I was in the wrong, even though I disagree with the outcome. I don't agree but I understand. We'll see where this whole thing takes us. She has some contract work she wants me to do. I'll look at the scope and the deliverables (as well as the cost) and see what it's looking like. For now, I'll just look at things with humble eyes and keep an interesting perspective. 

#thatisall

Reality TV = Desperate to Be Famous (Again). But At What Cost?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can’t stand reality TV. No, I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars, I’ve never seen Survivor, could care less about Bridezillas (although I have seen that one), I just can’t stand reality TV. What kind of TV shows do I watch? Well I am glad you asked – I watch House, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Law and Order, Law and Order:SVU and NCIS. I used to watch Desperate Housewives, but I had to fall back because I am so far behind.  Yes, I like medical and crime dramas. I hear that Modern Family is pretty hilarious but I haven’t gotten up on in. I also like The Good Wife when I can catch it. Never been a fan of The Simpsons, but I hear Family Guy is quite hilarious! But those are the shows that I watch.  I know there are most people who are like, what the hell? You don’t watch reality TV? No! I live my own reality everyday, so why would I want to come home and watch it. And most of the time my reality is cool, it sucks a little, it blows a little, it’s a little awesome, whatever.

I was on a flight from DC this past Sunday and I couldn’t really sleep so I decided to watch TV (flying Jet Blue has it’s perks!) I sat and watched VH1’s Reality TV programming – Brandy and Ray J: Family Business, What Chili Wants and Basketball Wives. There is a common thread among all three of those shows, the main characters are black. But not only are they black, they are famous people, who have fallen off the mainstream media radar who are pressed to be famous again!

While watching these shows, I couldn’t help but be embarrassed for them.  These are people, who for the most part look like me and have nothing better to do than to look absolutely foolish on TV for the sake of fame. In the case of Brandy and Ray J, their show wasn’t terrible, I just don’t understand the point of it other than the fact that both of them are singers who (at least it appears on the surface) are looking to restart/revive their careers. I can’t be too mad at that. They are both too young to be so removed from the music game. But at the same time, I understand that life happens and plans change, cool I get that. But then I got to What Chili Wants. What the hell is Chili’s problem? There is nothing wrong with having some standards and kind of an ideal man that you’re looking for. But the shit she’s talkin’ about is unacceptable. First of all, her list seems like something that a 23 year old girl would be looking for. Chili will be 40 next year! C’mon son! You’re being ridiculous! A couple of things that really get me on Chili’s list is can’t eat pork, can’t smoke or drink. I can feel you on the smoking thing because I really can’t stand smoke at all. But what problem do you have with drinks and pork?  Your list, your business but because of your closemindedness, you are cutting yourself off from meeting your Mr. Right. Do what you do Chili, but I can’t support that.

Then we take a look at Basketball Wives. The premise of this show disgusts me. I guess the good thing about this show is that it isn’t only “black” folks. I put black in quotes because it seems like the other ex-wives are just trying to be down with the black culture – like most people. This is a show about a bunch of ex wives, dishin’ dirt on their famous ex husbands. Really? What happened to keeping things in house? I don’t care how famous you are, everyone doesn’t need to know the details of your marriage and subsequent divorce. Didn’t we learn anything from Tiger and Elin? What the hell happened to MYODB (mindin’ your own damn business!) Plus these chicks are just out being mean and cold hearted. There is nothing educational about what they are trying to do here. All they really are trying to do is get more famous off of putting themselves and their exes on blast. Don’t ever have to make yourself look better in the eyes of most by putting others down. You don’t elevate yourself, you reduce yourself. While you may be lonely because things with the “love of your life” didn’t work out, you are living in a house that is paid for, you have more than enough food in your house for you and your kids, you never have a material want in your life again. But you want sympathy from someone because you can’t get a man? Bitch get outta here. I can’t get a man either but you know what I did. I made a blog to laugh at the funny shit that I have to go through, putting myself on blast, not stepping on someone else to make myself look better. Plus all you’re doing is confirming the stereotype about women being two faced, backstabbers who can’t be trusted. That’s not my reality, so why would I support this?

For those of you who watch the shows, I’m not mad at you and I am not judging you. I’m just saying why I can’t get down with a lot of reality shows. That’s not my reality.

#thatisall

My Sister and Her Bullshit

*I apologize in advance if the title and anything else said in this blog may be offensive to someone.*

So last week, I went to DC for a meeting on campus and I stayed with my sister which I usually do when I go to DC. This was a really quick trip so I didn't have the opportunity to hang out with my friends who live in the area. I got there Thursday Morning, had a meeting on campus all day Friday, went to see my grandmother in New Jersey on Saturday and came back Sunday night. As you can see by that schedule, not a lot of time to kick it with people. Anyway, Sunday morning, I leave my grandmother's house and head back to my sister's house. I get to my sister's housing at about 11:30am and have to wait for her to get out of church. Not a big deal, whatever. *Footnote - my sister sent me on a transport mission. Rather than come with me to get the stuff herself, I have to transport back a whole bunch of extra stuff for her.* Once she gets to the house, I tell her I have to go to the bathroom so hurry and let me in the house. I was in the bathroom for maybe 5 minutes and in those 5 minutes, my sister and my niece have taken all of the stuff out of the car that I brought back for them and left my shit in the car. If you're gonna take shit out of the car, just take it all out! Why the hell would you leave that shit in the car! Who does that! Anyway, so one of the things that I brought back from New Jersey was our bags of cosmetics and goodies. I had separated the bags before I left New Jersey and if you had waiting 2 extra minutes, would could have avoided some of the foolishness. *Footnote - as part of the transport mission, my sister had me bring her back 2 party tray pizzas but I ended up paying for one of them. The good ole, "I'll give you the money when you get back". Bitch stop lyin'! Yeah we're only talking about $20 but don't get beside yourself* So anyway, I get in the living room, my sister and my niece have damn near everything spread out so that she can pick and chose what she wants! Stop fucking with shit! Damn! 

Anyway, I sat down and was going through my bags and noticed that I came up on a MAC brush set! I knew I had some brushes but didn't realize that they were MAC (I am a MAC fiend). My sister was mad because everyone else's bag had MAC brushes but her's. I told her to take the ones out of her daughter's bag, since she doesn't really have any business wearing makeup let alone MAC (she's 16, but she's not taking care of her skin, which I tell her all the time). She was like whatever. So then, she called our Mom because I told her she couldn't have any brushes. Mind you my sister is a good 16 years older than me. Get your grown up on, sheesh! *Footnote - my mother was not pleased that my sister wanted to go through the bags and swap out her stuff. I feel like, don't get mad at me about something I had nothing to do with.* 

One of my sister's friends decides she wants to take her out for Mother's Day. Cool. Ya'll have fun. I finished packing and getting ready to head to the airport, said my goodbyes to my niece and nephew and peaced out. While I was on the road, I noticed that I left my bottle of rum on the table so I called my niece and asked her to put it in the freezer for me since I would be back in a couple of weeks. Me being my mother's daughter, I did get a little lost on my way to the airport, but I figured it out, no big. Got to the airport, got home, completed my transport mission (I also had to take my mom, mother's day cards and gifts from my sister who didn't take care of stuff before I got there) and went to bed. 

Fast forward to today (Tuesday May 11), I get an email from my sister this morning asking me about the 3 small pieces of paper (a receipt, the tag off my sweatshirt and my name tag) that I left in the living room. First of all, if it was that serious why would you send me an email? Plus the whole tone of the email was not a good look, so I just deleted it. I wasn't going to let her and whatever she had going on, get to me this morning. I have lots of work to do and I don't have mental energy for extra dumbness. So two hours later, the bootch sent me a follow up email saying, "I see you're online. Are you ignoring me?" Why yes I am ignoring you! You don't have shit better to do with your life than to harass me about THREE PIECES OF PAPER? Pick the shit up and let it go. It's not like I used 50 dishes and left them in the sink, it's THREE PIECES OF PAPER. Let that shit go! I am fairly certain that my sister will find a way to get my mother involved in this situation about THREE PIECES OF PAPER. And I will tell that lady to not get involved in petty disagreements with her two grown daughters! But because my sister is the oldest (I'm not so sure you can tell by this story), and she's spoiled (which I am sure you can tell by this story), there's going to be some words said and on my part a lot more ignoring. When I started writing this, I kept thinking, let that shit go, be on to the next...and then "On to the Next One" played on my YouTube. I love it. 

#thatisall

Shakin' my Head at Cal, Shame on You!

At first I was gonna title this note, "I'm so glad I went to Howard U" because the truth of the matter is that I am. There are moments where I wish that I had gone to a big(ger) school, not for the quality of education but for the quality of athletic programs. Growing up, I have always had a special place in my heart for sports. I love going to sporting events, love playing sports, love talking about sports, I love sports. Growing up in the Bay Area, I am very loyal to my Bay Area teams. I catch tons of hell for being a PROUD Oakland A's and Golden State Warriors fan. There is some confusion when I say that I am a San Francisco 49ers fan, but if you know me and/or you know the history of Bay Area football between 1982 and 1997, you understand why I am a 49ers fan. Good or bad, I love my home teams, ride or die.

I have been a member of the UC Berkeley "family" for almost 3 years and I can honestly tell you that outside of the budget BS that we're all going through and getting paid ONLY once a month, it's a great experience. It's truly amazing to me to see so many people who really love and embrace Berkeley. After all, Berkeley is the #1 public institution in the nation, so it's pretty easy to be proud of something so awesome (or at least appears awesome on the surface). So imagine my DISAPPOINTMENT when so many people who claim to love BERKELEY couldn't even come together to watch the Women's Basketball Team beat the University of Miami AT HOME, ON TV for the NIT championship. In a discussion I had with one of my co workers today about the situation. Rick made a good point talking about the planning of the NIT and I agree with that. Vince made the point that it's women's basketball and most people won't watch it anyway. Unfortunately there is also some truth to that as well. 

Here's where my two points tie together. At Howard University, we are much more of an academic institution versus an athletic institution.(That could be a blog within itself) The truth of the matter is that our two biggest athletic attractions are not very good (another topic that could be a blog within itself), but people will still go to the games. I feel like I have never seen the Burr empty for a basketball game and there were times when we were not very good. There was a point in time when our team went like 3-56 over 2 years and the Burr was still packed. Our women's team at least during my time at Howard was better than our men's team but our student body supported both of them. I think the last time the football team finished above .500 might have been in 1998 but I know it was like in '96. But Greene stadium is crunk most if not all the time. We support our own. Good bad or indifferent. I know that as a swimmer I would have liked to have seen more of my friends, classmates and professors at my swim meets. But the truth of the matter is that if you don't know anything about swimming, it's a boring sport to watch. And even if you do know something about it, it can be pretty boring to watch. Much like a lot of the lesser known sports - volleyball, lacrosse, soccer, even track and field. But TRUST when I tell you, if my campus was playing host to a nationally televised, championship game, it would have been standing room only and all of the campus auxiliaries would have been there - the Band, the cheerleaders, the Ohh, La Las - er'ybody would have been there, and maybe some alumni folks tryin' to get in with them. Not because we would be so excited to be there (the chance to call home and say "Mama, Daddy - I'm finna be on TV",or even one of our teams being that good to be in a situation like that) but that is a HUGE accomplishment. That's huge for the University, it's huge for the team, it's huge for the fans. As a sports fan, there isn't much more satisfying then seeing YOUR team win a championship. As a fan, it makes you feel like you played a part in it. Part of that championship belongs to you, even though you didn't go to one practice, didn't play through an injury, didn't put in nearly as much emotion as someone actually on the team. Now if Howard and it's surrounding community would fill the Burr, you would think that Berkeley could/would do the same thing. But they didn't. And I was really disappointed in that. There were like 15 members of the band there. Really? Granted it was Easter weekend, but the students weren't on Spring Break. Granted it was on a weekend and most people who work there won't come back to campus on a NON work day (I completely understand that). BUT, for a student body that has almost 35,000 students in UNDERGRAD and an alumni base that is DEEP (according to the Alumni Association website - there are 500,000 members worldwide), ya'll can't take 2 hours out of your day and come down to Haas and support the Women's Basketball team! I know that the athletic department even made it enticing for faculty and staff to come to the games (ALL FACULTY AND STAFF TICKETS WERE $6!) and the first 200 students who showed their IDs would get in to the game for free and you guys couldn't come down and support the Women's Basketball team. Shame on you, Berkeley!

Now, I know that some people will say (and have said) "But Camille, it's the NIT. You know the Not Important Tournament or the Not Invited to the Tournament." Hell I have made some of those same statements. I went to 13 women's games this year and they went 12-1 while I was there and I think like 20-5 over all since I started going to the games. Granted, part of the reason I went to the games was to support my co workers, but the at the same, it's still a sport and I've already established that I love sports. Plus as the athletic housing coordinator, I wanna see what some of these kids look like who give me the blues or are just so sweet and awesome, I just had to see them in action. I saw a lot of growth in the team over the 13 games that I watched and the other games that I followed online. I really became a fan of Cal Women's Basketball. Lexi is vicious, but that's to be expected because Oakland only produces basketballers (and one Rickey Henderson - even though Lexi went to Tech, she still gets a pass from me). Danesha and Layshia are gonna be beasts (their game is awesome to be so young), Eliza is gonna be a defensive machine, Gennifer and Talia are double doubles waiting to happen, so much talent with the team. I can't tell it all. Plus Mooch has a pretty jumper. I think part of it is that I am envious of the women's basketball team because basketball wasn't something that I was good at and they make it look so easy. After this experience with the Women's team this year, I will think before I make anymore NIT jokes. The truth is, no team I ever played on can say they are national champions, so they're one up on me. No, the NIT is not the NCAA Tournament - but a 'ship is a 'ship. Just ask a team that doesn't have one...

But for the Berkeley Community to NOT embrace the monumental moment properly was so sad and so disappointing to me. I'm not saying that everyone should be at every single sporting event that's ever held on campus, because I know that there are some people who don't feel the same way that I do about sports and/or have no interest in sports what so ever. But look at how the Men's basketball team was celebrated after winning the Pac-10 Regular season title (it's first in 50 years) and how the Women's basketball team was celebrated after winning the WNIT Championship (first ever), the FIRST NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP ever played at Haas. In a land where they want equality and justice for all, it seems to me that it's all just talk out of the side of the neck. In a land, during a time where we know that separate is not equal, it's clear that athletics falls in line with everything else.

Now I don't want to make it sound like sports is the know all, be all. I know that we're in a recession and that people are losing jobs, homes and other things nationwide. But I think of sports as an opportunity to be a happy distraction for all the other sad things going on, break from reality.

I'm pretty sure there will be some mixed feelings on what I'm saying (or trying to say). In the end, my hope is that in the future, WE as members of the Berkeley community will do a better job of embracing and supporting our students, our student athletes and the staff members as they are pursuing something that they are passionate (and it doesn't have to be sports) about and are sharing their gifts with you. You may be surprised,  seeing someone else's gifts or talents may inspire you to get in touch with your own, that you may want to share with someone. It may be the catalyst for world wide inspiration and change.

Consider the Source

So there's a young man, and when I say young I mean he's not even 25 yet, who I was involved with for a little while has an interesting perspective on why he won't go to church. I've invited him to church a few times and each time he makes the joke that he can't afford the cover charge, referring to the offering. Last night as I was on my way somewhere, he started to express his feelings about the things that I've given up for Lent and the whole thing about Lent. Additionally, he mentioned how he equates church folk as being hypocritical, two faced and backstabbing. He talked about how the current church is so far from what Jesus preached and talked about, how so many bad things have been done world wide under religion, wars, slavery, etc.

Now I am not one to get in arguments about religion because I am not going to knock you for what you believe and not by place to judge you. The case of this young man is no different. While he makes valid points about some people who go to church and what they do in the church, I will not buy into his whole argument about the church as an institution and his feelings about church. And here's why: While there may be some truth to the quality of character of some people who attend church, I love my church family. We are flawed and imperfect. We have problems, scars, wounds and all types of issues. That being said, we also have each other. 

Today, one of my church members got up and testified about what she's going through, she's battling cancer. But she got up and testified about her faith and what's she's going through, just truly amazing. And then to see her get up with so much strength, to see so many people rally around her and her family, praying for her strength and the strength of her family, praying for healing. It was a truly powerful moment. In case you didn't know, I am in the choir at my church. No I am not a soloist, just a choir member. On Friday night at rehearsal, we decided to bring back an old song from our old church. The words are: Clean this house on the inside, Unlock all doors each room shall be open to You This house was build for Your dwelling Reign over this house, it's for You. 

God works in such amazing ways. We had no idea that Mrs. Brumfield was going to get up and give such a powerful testimony. We had rehearsed a few songs not knowing that we would only sing two. To me going to church is a lot more than the sideways talk and the foolishness. I do my best not to get involved, especially if it doesn't affect me directly. There were so many powerful things about my church and my church going experience, like today with Mrs. Brumfield and her testimony and the choir singing powerful and moving songs, outside of sickness it'll take a lot for me to stop going to church. Now I have been frustrated with certain things that are going on in some of the church like things going on in my choir with the soloists vs. the non soloists - the favorites vs. the choir members. But rather than give up on my choir, I will pray for them because I know that they are flawed just like I am. I know that they are going through things in their lives much like I am going through things in mine, but knowing that we are working together for a common goal, gives way to a little leeway. 

As for the youngsta and his opinions, he can keep them. He doesn't hold much weight as far as I'm concerned. He wavers on things, he's inconsistent, he's one of those people that he talks bad about. When I think of people and some of the things that they say to me, I really have to consider the source. If I don't respect you or believe anything that you say, why would I even bother to acknowledge or listen to anything you have to say. I'm not going to get into an argument with you. You have your feelings, your opinions based on your life experiences. I can't nor would I want to take that away from you. But you should also consider what you say and who you say it to. It may be a situation where you are just wasting your breath trying to sound intelligent when you are really ignorant. Before you open your mouth to "venture an opinion" ask yourself, if you are a credible source on the matter. If so, feel free to say what you want to, but if not - shut the hell up because you really don't know what you're talking about and you're really just wasting time. Time you could spend building your credibility.

How Can I...

Be happy for you when you don't even talk to me anymore?

Be mad at you for this long?

Say I want something and not work towards it?

Keep your secret that you didn't even tell me?

Love you and not myself?

Hear you and not listen to my own heart?

Continue to live like this?

Love Grey's so much?

Have so much to do and not enough time to get it done?

Play so tough and crack so hard?

Be happy for you when I know you're not in a good place?

Trust the words coming out of your mouth when I don't even trust your character?

Be of the same family with someone and not talk or like them?

Like you when you don't even talk to me and barely know that I exist?

Be great when I am afraid of my own greatness? How Can I NOT be!

I Was Just Wondering

If I told you how I felt, would you embrace it and embrace me because you're feelings were the same? 

If I told you that the mere thought of you brings a smile to my face and a little bit of warmth to my heart?

If I told you that the sight of you disgusts me on the inside, could you handle that?

If I told you that the bullshit you're going through is really your fault, would you blame me and get mad or would you own it and know that I was telling you the truth in love, not hate

If I told you that you need to step your game up so you can get on the next level, would you take that the right way or the wrong way

If I told you that our relationship was built on a lie, not a malicious one by one of convenience.

If I told you that I loved you, would you run away or would you stay to see what that REALLY meant.

If I asked you to let me go, so I can come back to you later, would you do it or would you just hold on to me til it was no more.

If I told you how I really felt at all time about you, about me, about us - would you run because it was too much or would you come closer because it wasn't enough. 

If sex was just sex, could you handle that and that the moments in the bed stay in the bed

If I told you that the sex was only worth it because it was with you and that's why I did it anyway, not because was good but because it was you.

If I choose you or you choose me or did we choose each other

If your silence was your way of saying I can't and I won't

If it's only one sided, one way

If your wife really knew about our past and what should have been if you had tapped into your potential

Why you lied about having a girl to someone who could have cared less in the first place

If your ignorance is bliss or your curse

Why you didn't do better when you clearly could have

If this blog is about him, her, them, us or me

I was just wondering if it was just me...

Blogging From the Bath Tub (Feb. 11, 2010)

The last couple of days have been pretty awesome. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Things happened that shouldn't be taken for granted, though. Every day that passes and I am not a member of the Parents Who Have Passed on Society is a good thing. Right now I am sitting in my bath tub with a candle lit and my iTunes playing from my computer. Calmness. Peace. Contentment. A soothing feeling that I can't describe other than saying, Jesus thank you. A nice cooked meal would top this evening off, accompanied with a glass of wine. But since I didn't cook and it's well after 8pm, I will have to "settle" for the glass of wine (oh darn). I could get used to this. Something so simple as a bath, a candle and an eclectic music mix - something so simple with so much power. Maybe this is how I kick off my I love me some me weekend. Who knows what's on tap for tomorrow (other than choir rehearsal), but for right now, I thank God for this moment right here. Peace, calm, relief all wrapped up into one. Right now, I've found my peace in my valley.

Feb. 11, 2010

I have a couple of friends who have pretty awesome blogs. Not just talking about what they are talking about, but the lay out and everything. is absolutely awesome. But then I think to myself " How do you have that much time to blog about so many things and still have a full time job? Maybe you don't have as many things on your plate but I just don't have the time like that. Or I'm not managing my time well. Same same.

So Col. Mustard shot himself in the foot and as they say in the Chi "He Gon'!" I love when people take themselves out of my life. It makes it easier on me. I don't really like cutting people off but if you say or do something so contradictory to what I believe you can get gone! 

James is feelin' himself. Good for him. 

Dud is on his way out of town, told him to have a safe trip. 

I love people and when I say that I mean that I really don't. People are absolutely amazing. Yesterday, people were completely up in arms about the John Mayer Playboy article. I thought it was interesting how people initially only posted part of his interview where he dropped the N word and talked about a few black women. In reading the whole article, I am not defending what he said. But I just don't understand the difference between him saying it in an interview (by the way that was really poor editing by the Playboy staff) and the average person saying in a conversation with their homies. 

*Footnote - it's better to have too much guac and not enough chips than not enough guac and too many chips*

My department head thinks that I have bronchitis, that sucks! But that would explain this lingering cough. 

I'm getting ready to head to a meeting on campus. My hope is that Anita breaks out in song. 

More Randomness

So I have been sitting here in peace and quiet. I had a brief textsation (conversation via text message - yeah I made that up) with a guy that I dated almost 10 years ago (DAMN has it really been that long, I guess so) who commented on my previous blog entry (don't worry, I won't put you on blast - in case you're reading today). He said that he thought that I had a lot going on. I went back and re-read my blog. Man if you think that's a lot, you haven't seen anything yet.

I am trying to adjust to life without TV. I am trying to make some decisions about certain things in my life, in an effort to budget. Far too often I get caught up trying to keep up with the Jones', but them foolios ain't worried about me so why should I be worried about them.

Tonight when I got home, I was quite distracted about whatever. I'm still not feeling 100 so my first thought was to get in the bed and get some rest. That didn't work too tough. I knew that I wasn't going to have one of my moments where I started calling people in my phone book just to talk.

*Footnote - I reallllllllllllly hate the reply all button. I wish people would stop overusing it! Damn!*

One thing that I haven't really talked about recently is my battle with depression. One thing about this blog is that it is an honest look at my life, my struggles, my victories and defeats. The average person won't put themselves on blast like I do, which can be a good and a bad thing. Some aspects of my life I need to be more open, others I should probably keep to myself. Maybe when I grow up, I'll know when to say when. I suffer from depression. Not the kind where I need drugs and I'm hella crazy (maybe I should start taking the pills - that was a joke). Around this time last year (January 2009) I started seeing a psychologist. The first thing that I told her is that I want to get well without using drugs. Over the course of our sessions, I learned things about myself,  about my behaviors and about my environment which cause me stress and lead to my depression. On the depression scale, I am on the mild side of things. There is a lot in my life to be grateful and thankful for. My hope is that in time I will hold more to that than the alternative.

Tonight, I was reading a classmate from high school's blog.

*Footnote - it is inspiring to share the same space with talented people. At times I forget what I am capable of and it takes seeing someone else express themselves to know that it's okay for me to express my talents too*

In reading this classmate's blog, one blog of interest was her perspective on the statement "there are no good men out there". I read her blog, re-read mine and realized that the guys in the picture weren't totally the problem. Granted a big problem in most relationships is communication or more complexly communicating expectations and hopes. I believe James and Mr. Dud are pretty good guys. I'm pretty sure they just aren't right for me. That Col. Mustard though...he might be kinda shady. Incompatible doesn't mean universally bad - it means bad for you. You are not the standard on what is right and wrong in relationships, so if you have a bad experience with a guy, it might just be the situation - two people, two different books, not right, not wrong - just different.

So I pulled myself together and made it to work today (I was out for the last couple of days with flu like symptoms). A little goes a long way when it comes to makeup can not be any closer than the truth.  I believe in the grand scheme of things I am a natural beauty. I have great skin (thanks mom and dad) and a natural smile (when I do smile). I think my personality is pretty awesome most of the time too. I think that part of my natural beauty in my slightly tomboyish innocence which also gets me in trouble. I know the importance of pulling all the stops out (hair, feet, nails - all the girly shit), I just don't embrace it regularly. That's just not me. The funny thing about that is, I have TONS of MAC makeup. Why, because I like the way it looks on other people and I do like the way it looks on me. Plus getting it at a discount helps...(pause while I take call from Richard)

*Footnote - I took a phone call from a friend of mine, read him my blog so far. He seemed to like it, except for the footnote part. He thought they should be called sidenotes. No boo, my blog, my notes. Deal with it!

Anyway, I put on some lip color, one eye shadow, liner and mascara. There were some comments like "wow, you're all made up today". I didn't think adding a little color could mean so much but apparently it does. If you know anything about MAC, you know that not only do they use WAYYYYYYYYYY more than one, they often use bright and bold. Definitely not the case for me, going into work, even if I was going to athletics. Anyhoo, the meeting was fairly productive except I could hardly talk and sounded really nasally most of the time. But I am excited to work with athletics (insert smirk here). 

I talked to Dud today. We actually have some work to discuss so we will probably talk tomorrow. Nothing's going to come from it. He, like my Ninja Turtle *remember I change the names to protect me from getting my ass kicked* will most likely be admired from a far. And I am cool with that. For now, let's focus on doing me, loving me, appreciating me, spending time with me, catering to me. Everyone else who matters will still be there when I'm done. 

~Good night~ with a shot of Henny!

Random Ramblings on Men/Relationships/Life

When I intitally grabbed my laptop and brought it into my room, I did so because I had some things that I wanted to blog about. But I got distracted playing with my phone and what not (I got a Blackberry recently and I just put some of my iTunes on it to create some ring tones - yeah I know, don't judge me). 

I have been feeling a lot of different things lately. Most of them have not been too positive: Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Pain. These are all feelings that I've had in the last week. I think of all those things that I have been feeling, disappointment and sadness stick out the most. I think for me because they go hand in hand. I have been disappointed a lot lately by guys (big shocker I know). But I honestly don't know if it's me, them, both or neither. I think it has to be looked at on a case by case basis. 

For example, let's look at the case of James Bond *the names have been changed to prevent me from getting my ass kicked later on down the line* James and I have known each other for quite some time (since middle school). After we'd been hanging out/hooking up for a little bit of time, I decided to tell him something that I thought he knew, that I liked him. Well 3 weeks later, I haven't seen or talked to him since. 

*Footnote - I asked my best friend why she thought that I was single. Her response was that I give too much of myself too quickly and it can be overwhelming or intimidating. She said that I was just that type of person whether it's in intimate relationships or in platonic friendships. I personally don't see it as a bad thing, but I also see where she's coming from*

Now, I didn't know that me telling you that I liked you translated to you that I was trying to marry you by my next birthday. But if that's how you took it, then there is nothing that I can do for you. We obviously have a break down in communication. But because you're a punk ass, there's nothing more I need to say to you, except kick rocks. 

Then there is Col. Mustard. The situation with Col. Mustard doesn't need a whole lot of explaining. We hooked up once, we had a "situation during the session". Haven't hooked up since. One of the major reasons is that he didn't tell me that he had a chick. The problem is that the dude was talkin' about how he didn't want to get in a relationship with anyone and blah blah blah. I found out based on some investigating (and that's all I'ma say about it). Gone from 'round here!

Then there is Mr. Milk Dud. He has no clue that I even have my eyes on him and at this point, it will stay that way. Given a lot of factors, I won't put myself out there for rejection. You deal with what you got going on. We'll talk during the off season - when I'm hella busy and stressed out.

*Footnote - I just bought and am listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. I heard this song a while ago watching TV with my dad. I remembered that I liked that song a lot back in the day and decided to give iTunes $1.29 for it - good thing it was from a gift card*

If there is some truth that my life is a reflection of my house, then I understand why things are the way they are. I have never been a neat person but I've never been a slob. I've functioned for so long in what can be called chaos, I don't know what to do.

I think it's safe to say that the first two are more disappointing while the last one is fear. I often wonder what I would do if I wasn't afraid. Most times I am really happy that I have a filter and don't always shoot from the hip. But I wonder what my life would be like if I shot from the hip more often....

Disappointment

I think that the people closest to me have proven to be the biggest source of disappointment. One of my BFFs agreed to help me with a project and hasn't. I understand that she has stuff going on, but she committed to helping me with this project, she put herself out there and said that she would help. #fail! 

*Footnote - one thing I have never been good at is reading people or reading the writing on the wall, never been my strong suit*

Last October I took a friend with me to a pretty big event on the East Coast. We agreed that she would contribute some to the rental car and hasn't. At this point it's really not about the money. It's about the disrespect that you have shown me by not paying me the money YOU said you would pay. Then PLEASE don't talk to me about buying anything or anything. You have changed so much because of him, I hope it's worth it. 

One word that I didn't use earlier was distracted. I have been so damn distracted with so much and I just don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I really do feel like I have Adult ADD or something. I can't focus long enough to do much these days. I might really need to start writing things down. And with all the cute notepads I have it really shouldn't be too hard. 

I guess the moral of this blog *SHIT I HAVE A MEETING AT HAAS TOMORROW! FUCK THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BE CUTE(R) FOR WORK TOMORROW ! SHIT!* Once again, my adult ADD has taken a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I had a good point to make. Lord knows that now I don't know what it is. Maybe if I babble a little bit more, it'll come back to me. (Truth is - that never really works out for me. Once it's lost, it's gone for good).

I hope in 2010, I can get some of the chaos that I've been functioning in together. I hope I can meet some real people who discuss real things, who use real talk and have real action in their lives. 

I miss some of the people from my early 20s and even my past life. I miss when things seemed to be a lot easier.

Your husband/boyfriend has a thing for me and has had said thing for quite sometime. He's even suggested that we kick it, even though we're friends. I feel a certain way about that whole situation. I try to avoid you and your husband/boyfriend if I can. 

What else can I babble about? Nothing. Let's go have a couple of spoons of ice cream, chase it with some Nyquil and water and go to bed. You've said a lot and nothing. Life is always about interpretation.

Propped Up In Purple - Random Moment

Purple's my favorite color. I have a purple laptop, a purple phone and purple prescription eyeglasses.

Random Ramblings on 1/28/2010

• I think I have adult ADHD at times
• I have classmates who are working on having their 4th baby and I still haven't had one. Is there something wrong with that picture?
• Maybe confessing your feelings to someone via email isn't a good look. 
• I am guilty of Facebook Stalking
• I wonder how long it's gonna take me to finish this post.
• I had a thought when I went upstairs, but damn it it's gone!
• How many times do you rub your deodorant under each arm? How much is too much?
• I think I'ma stop giving out advice for free
• I think she's gonna make "it". I don't want to hate but she's really pissed me off.
• Why did I dream that I ran into the whole cast of NCIS when I was checking out of my hotel in Vegas and Michael Weatherly (Anthony DiNozzo) offered to pay for my room?
• How do you get mad that someone didn't talk to you but when they tried you didn't have time for them?
• Is it bad when your clueless boss is trying to hook you up with someone?

I think I'm done for the moment. But this maybe a reoccurring item...stay tuned.

2010 Gets It In

Well it's been a while since I've been in the mix around these parts. But I promise, 2010 - WE GET IT IN. That is all for this post....