When I intitally grabbed my laptop and brought it into my room, I did so because I had some things that I wanted to blog about. But I got distracted playing with my phone and what not (I got a Blackberry recently and I just put some of my iTunes on it to create some ring tones - yeah I know, don't judge me).
I have been feeling a lot of different things lately. Most of them have not been too positive: Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Pain. These are all feelings that I've had in the last week. I think of all those things that I have been feeling, disappointment and sadness stick out the most. I think for me because they go hand in hand. I have been disappointed a lot lately by guys (big shocker I know). But I honestly don't know if it's me, them, both or neither. I think it has to be looked at on a case by case basis.
For example, let's look at the case of James Bond *the names have been changed to prevent me from getting my ass kicked later on down the line* James and I have known each other for quite some time (since middle school). After we'd been hanging out/hooking up for a little bit of time, I decided to tell him something that I thought he knew, that I liked him. Well 3 weeks later, I haven't seen or talked to him since.
*Footnote - I asked my best friend why she thought that I was single. Her response was that I give too much of myself too quickly and it can be overwhelming or intimidating. She said that I was just that type of person whether it's in intimate relationships or in platonic friendships. I personally don't see it as a bad thing, but I also see where she's coming from*
Now, I didn't know that me telling you that I liked you translated to you that I was trying to marry you by my next birthday. But if that's how you took it, then there is nothing that I can do for you. We obviously have a break down in communication. But because you're a punk ass, there's nothing more I need to say to you, except kick rocks.
Then there is Col. Mustard. The situation with Col. Mustard doesn't need a whole lot of explaining. We hooked up once, we had a "situation during the session". Haven't hooked up since. One of the major reasons is that he didn't tell me that he had a chick. The problem is that the dude was talkin' about how he didn't want to get in a relationship with anyone and blah blah blah. I found out based on some investigating (and that's all I'ma say about it). Gone from 'round here!
Then there is Mr. Milk Dud. He has no clue that I even have my eyes on him and at this point, it will stay that way. Given a lot of factors, I won't put myself out there for rejection. You deal with what you got going on. We'll talk during the off season - when I'm hella busy and stressed out.
*Footnote - I just bought and am listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. I heard this song a while ago watching TV with my dad. I remembered that I liked that song a lot back in the day and decided to give iTunes $1.29 for it - good thing it was from a gift card*
If there is some truth that my life is a reflection of my house, then I understand why things are the way they are. I have never been a neat person but I've never been a slob. I've functioned for so long in what can be called chaos, I don't know what to do.
I think it's safe to say that the first two are more disappointing while the last one is fear. I often wonder what I would do if I wasn't afraid. Most times I am really happy that I have a filter and don't always shoot from the hip. But I wonder what my life would be like if I shot from the hip more often....
I think that the people closest to me have proven to be the biggest source of disappointment. One of my BFFs agreed to help me with a project and hasn't. I understand that she has stuff going on, but she committed to helping me with this project, she put herself out there and said that she would help. #fail!
*Footnote - one thing I have never been good at is reading people or reading the writing on the wall, never been my strong suit*
Last October I took a friend with me to a pretty big event on the East Coast. We agreed that she would contribute some to the rental car and hasn't. At this point it's really not about the money. It's about the disrespect that you have shown me by not paying me the money YOU said you would pay. Then PLEASE don't talk to me about buying anything or anything. You have changed so much because of him, I hope it's worth it.
One word that I didn't use earlier was distracted. I have been so damn distracted with so much and I just don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I really do feel like I have Adult ADD or something. I can't focus long enough to do much these days. I might really need to start writing things down. And with all the cute notepads I have it really shouldn't be too hard.
I guess the moral of this blog *SHIT I HAVE A MEETING AT HAAS TOMORROW! FUCK THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BE CUTE(R) FOR WORK TOMORROW ! SHIT!* Once again, my adult ADD has taken a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I had a good point to make. Lord knows that now I don't know what it is. Maybe if I babble a little bit more, it'll come back to me. (Truth is - that never really works out for me. Once it's lost, it's gone for good).
I hope in 2010, I can get some of the chaos that I've been functioning in together. I hope I can meet some real people who discuss real things, who use real talk and have real action in their lives.
I miss some of the people from my early 20s and even my past life. I miss when things seemed to be a lot easier.
Your husband/boyfriend has a thing for me and has had said thing for quite sometime. He's even suggested that we kick it, even though we're friends. I feel a certain way about that whole situation. I try to avoid you and your husband/boyfriend if I can.
What else can I babble about? Nothing. Let's go have a couple of spoons of ice cream, chase it with some Nyquil and water and go to bed. You've said a lot and nothing. Life is always about interpretation.