Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sometimes You Make Me....

smile. Sometimes I want to tell you so bad because I don't know how to tell you. You say that you don't want a relationship and I respect that. We can use this time to "Do Each Other" - not in the sexual sense but in the personal sense. Doing things that we like to do, independent of each other - going to the gym, reading, going to the movies - whatever we like to do. The funny thing about this relationship is the "company line" - "It's okay". I am not going to force you into anything. Where we are right's okay.

Sometimes you make my cry...and it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It's just that I didn't express to you my feelings and expectations to you and when you don't meet the unreal and unfair expectations that I have set in my mind, then I feel like I'm a failure and you're a dog. But I know that neither one of those things are true and it's truly okay.

Sometimes you make me remember what it's like to have hope for love again and I thank you for that.

The Power of Guilt

Original Blog Date - March 5, 2007

It's funny what happens with guilt. It eats you alive, it absolutely messes with your head and your heart. And depending on what you are guilty of, it may kill you. No I'm not wishing that on anybody because then that guilt would haunt me maybe forever. But it's just funny how people allow themselves to be consumed with whatever. Let me make it plain in case you are missing it.

There is a gentleman, who I have been super close with for almost 10 years. I would go far enough to say that he's (one of) my best friend(s). What he says about me, it may be something different. At any rate, He recently proposed to his girlfriend and they decided to get married later on this year. Now I haven't been particularly found of the way somethings have unfolded in their relationship but if that's what you've signed up for, then so be it. Even as his best friend, I am still a woman so, and in some cases, I am likely to agree with her. But at the end of the day my loyalites are ALWAYS to him. That and the fact that she doesn't like me (that's a whole nother issue for another time). In January, I called him and told him that I had a dream that I had a dream that I missed his wedding and asked him if I was invited. He said that he didn't know and that it was because she still didn't like me. Since then, he hasn't called, texted or emailed. In fact, we've had some impersonal conversations about nothing important. Now the wedding is in less than two months and I've heard nothing. I've already conceded that I'm not invited to THEIR wedding and I am ok with that. I've also conceded that for the most part our friendship as it were is over and is probably over for good. My heart and conscience are clear because I know that I've done nothing wrong. But what is going on through your head that you can't call or email your best friend in two months? Seriously? Seriously! You've made your choice, no need to feel guilty unless your @$$ knows you're wrong. That's what guilt does. It eats away at you and no matter what happens next, it'll never be the same. Not only for his relationship with me, but for his relationship with all his other female friends. I understand she'll be your wife and at the end of the day this is the choice you have to live with. But if she has that type of control before you get married it certainly won't get better after. Guilt will eat up at you.

Here's another case: a young man that I was dating more or less stopped talking to me cold turkey. Feelings for people don't change overnight. When you knew that your feelings for me were changing, you should have stepped your game up and said so. But like the YOUNG man you are, you continued hiding behind your text messages and your other forms of impersonal communication, instead of being a man, picking up the cotdamn phone and saying you didn't want to deal with me anymore. Your @$$ is just as guilty as the previously mentioned and one day (maybe even soon) your guilt will eat away at you too.

Now I know I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. But the difference between being perfect and being honest is that at the end of the day honesty will always win. I've been guilty before and I'm not above apologizing for what I've done wrong. When you're right, you're right but when you're wrong, you're wrong. But when you're so wrong you can't admit it, you have bigger issues to deal with than just being wrong.

Me a Hater? WTF!?!

Another post from my MySpace Blog - the original date was march 11, 2007

I don't understand people. And I truly don't understand the need to get super stupid drunk at this age in life. If you do it on accident, that's one thing. But when you start drinking at 6:30 on Friday because it's Friday. Now I understand that people are grown and they'll do what they want to but you need to watch your tone especially when your @$$ is drunk and you're talking that bull! This past weekend I was at a local nightspot where I ran into someone I used to work with. Since leaving our previous employer our paths have crossed on more than one occassion. But with regards to him, I have a bad taste in my mouth because of something he "said about me". He claims he didn't - Whatever. So...

This weekend I was talking about how the social scene here in the Bay Area leaves a lot to be desired, especially compared to DC, which is where I started going out. Anyway, this ignorant @$$clown, who has never lived anywhere but the Bay Area, called me a hater! WTF?!?!?!? Anyone who really knows me, knows that I live, breathe and super duper rep where I'm from (Town Biz, yadadamean). Where the hell do you get off callin' me a hater, because I've lived outside of the damn box and you haven't. His Bay Area Blindness has turned him into the hater. I love the Bay Area. Between the weather and the people, what's not to love. But I have a much greater appreciation and love for the Bay Area, because I have lived outside of the Bay Area box. Furthermore I'm not so ignorant to not listen to a rational arguement about life outside of the Bay Area. Now some people would compare this to only living in the U.S. vs. living anywhere else. I don't have to live outside the U.S. to appreciate living in it. I'm sure I would have a greater appreciation of life in U.S. if I ever lived outside of the U.S. I'm not closeminded to living outside of the U.S. like Bay Area Bonehead is to living outside of the Bay Area. Now, if you've been out in the Bay Area, you know that the social scene, lacks. But if that's all you know, then hey. But you can't call me a hater because you ain't never lived and your @$$ is too closeminded to try. You are the HATER! Not me.

Last Year's Random Thoughts

You may have read this on MySpace but I'm trying something here goes:

It's been a while since I've written anything. Not because I haven't had anything to say but I haven't been really trippin' on upkeep for my blog. It wasn't that important. I've had so much going on, 2 jobs, my daddy, my life and it's not been so important to put my thoughts in a blog. I have noticed that for whatever reason more people are reading my blogs...don't know why but hey. Maybe now I'll have something decent to say.

So I have been addicted to Facebook. I know I shouldn't say that (especially on MySpace) but hey, it is what it is. I spend a decent amount of time taking the movie quizes on Flixter - which are pretty entertaining I must say. That what I do and how I spend some time.

I've been praying more, ever since my daddy's heart attack. This whole thing with him has been a tremendous process and truly a test of my patience. When it comes to my daddy (yes I am 28 and I still call my daddy, Daddy), I have the patience of a 2 year old (or more specifically my 3 1/2 year old neice). I want it now! I've gotten better since he's been in the hospital but it's a challenge. I am truly what a Daddy's Little Girl is. I talk to him everyday, asking him the same silly questions, "What are you doing? What's for Lunch?" Mind you I live at home with my parents and will have these conversations like I don't see them everyday. But that's how I do with my daddy. I'm prayin' for him, being the Vice President of his fan club (it's only right that my mom is President), going to see him as often as I can but still trying to maintain my life (two jobs, personal projects, personal problems and all that jazz). I've been through to much....

People still find time to get on my good black nerves. But as long as it's there and they're there then it's gravy.

I recently raised money for Breast Cancer Awareness month and I'm proud about that. I was happy to be involved. I'm even happier that my co-workers indulged me and let me put pink "ribbons" on the hands for those who didn't wear pink October 26th. It was pretty good and I am very pleased about how it unfolded. I'm happy to say that it will be a tradition that I continue in the years to come.

It's interesting how people get involved in projects and causes only AFTER they've affected them directly. I know that I'm guilty of it but I also know that I am not a bad person because of it. In some cases it doesn't matter why you get involved, just be involved.

I'm inspired to make changes in my life and in my community. I have projects and things that I am working on and I have more than enough things to keep me busy.

I'm still trying to iron out things for my 10 year High School reunion. Why am I doing it and not my senior class officers? We won't go there. One way or the other I am really ready for 2007 to be over. I will make best of the days that I have left in the year and in my life. I'll keep doing what I have to do.

Maybe I'll get better at posting these things, or maybe not. One way or the other you're still gonna love me.