Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Power of Guilt

Original Blog Date - March 5, 2007

It's funny what happens with guilt. It eats you alive, it absolutely messes with your head and your heart. And depending on what you are guilty of, it may kill you. No I'm not wishing that on anybody because then that guilt would haunt me maybe forever. But it's just funny how people allow themselves to be consumed with whatever. Let me make it plain in case you are missing it.

There is a gentleman, who I have been super close with for almost 10 years. I would go far enough to say that he's (one of) my best friend(s). What he says about me, it may be something different. At any rate, He recently proposed to his girlfriend and they decided to get married later on this year. Now I haven't been particularly found of the way somethings have unfolded in their relationship but if that's what you've signed up for, then so be it. Even as his best friend, I am still a woman so, and in some cases, I am likely to agree with her. But at the end of the day my loyalites are ALWAYS to him. That and the fact that she doesn't like me (that's a whole nother issue for another time). In January, I called him and told him that I had a dream that I had a dream that I missed his wedding and asked him if I was invited. He said that he didn't know and that it was because she still didn't like me. Since then, he hasn't called, texted or emailed. In fact, we've had some impersonal conversations about nothing important. Now the wedding is in less than two months and I've heard nothing. I've already conceded that I'm not invited to THEIR wedding and I am ok with that. I've also conceded that for the most part our friendship as it were is over and is probably over for good. My heart and conscience are clear because I know that I've done nothing wrong. But what is going on through your head that you can't call or email your best friend in two months? Seriously? Seriously! You've made your choice, no need to feel guilty unless your @$$ knows you're wrong. That's what guilt does. It eats away at you and no matter what happens next, it'll never be the same. Not only for his relationship with me, but for his relationship with all his other female friends. I understand she'll be your wife and at the end of the day this is the choice you have to live with. But if she has that type of control before you get married it certainly won't get better after. Guilt will eat up at you.

Here's another case: a young man that I was dating more or less stopped talking to me cold turkey. Feelings for people don't change overnight. When you knew that your feelings for me were changing, you should have stepped your game up and said so. But like the YOUNG man you are, you continued hiding behind your text messages and your other forms of impersonal communication, instead of being a man, picking up the cotdamn phone and saying you didn't want to deal with me anymore. Your @$$ is just as guilty as the previously mentioned and one day (maybe even soon) your guilt will eat away at you too.

Now I know I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. But the difference between being perfect and being honest is that at the end of the day honesty will always win. I've been guilty before and I'm not above apologizing for what I've done wrong. When you're right, you're right but when you're wrong, you're wrong. But when you're so wrong you can't admit it, you have bigger issues to deal with than just being wrong.

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