Five Things I Am Thankful/Grateful For (01-18-11)

So I'm slipping into a bad place right now and I need to find ways to keep me from going there. With that said, here's tonight's I'm thankful/grateful list:

1. Today, I am thankful that Jeremy Dante' explained Tumblr to me. I know that seems real small but he was pretty genuine when he came to my desk to explain something that I asked him on Twitter. Kinda dorky but completely up my dorky alley.
2. Today, I am grateful to find out that tonight's episode of NCIS is already online. Oh snap *snap*
3. I'm grateful today that my dad's best friend asked me what was wrong and seemed really concerned that I was unhappy/sad. She didn't do anything out of the ordinary, she just cared which is what I needed. 
4. Today was another day that I am not a member of the DDS or the DMS, for that I'm grateful. 
5. Today we had some new faces at tonight's alumni meeting. That was a good thing. 

After NCIS goes off, I'm gonna go to bed, but check to see if The Good Wife is online. If it is, I might watch that, then go to bed. Tomorrow's hump day...another day to be grateful and thankful for. 

The 5 Things I'm Grateful For (01-17-11)

In the midst of my frustrations, I realize that there are lots of things for me to be grateful for. As I just signed off of Facebook for the night, I'll keep this brief so that I can get to bed in a timely fashion.

The Five Things I'm Grateful/Thankful for today:

1. Today I woke up on this side of the living, was able and clothed in my right mind for the whole day.
2. Today, I got to interact with a lot of inspiring young African American teens who are on the journey for a higher education. Hopefully the ones that touched will at least apply to Howard. If not, I still gave them something to think about. 
3. Despite getting lost and frustrated, I made it to MoAD in the city and back. My car stayed in one place which is many things to be thankful for within itself. 
4. Today, I was productive. Even though I didn't get everything I wanted to do done, I got some things done and got them in motion. 
5. Today was another day that I wasn't a member of the DDS or DMS. Even though I was a little frustrated that my dad's back in the hospital, the reason wasn't as serious as it could have been and for that I am grateful. 

Thank you Lord for this. 

My Weight

For the past few years, I have really been struggling with my weight. I have gained a lot of weight in the last 3 years. The initial weight gain was stress related (in the past three years, my father has had a heart attack, suffered renal failure, had a stroke and most recently had one of his toes amputated, my mother has had a couple of breakdowns, my brothers are...nuts and then there are my own things going on in my life). But I haven't really done much to try and get the weight under control. It's almost like I am in denial. I see pictures of me and I wonder "who's that cute fat girl", only to realize that it's me. I've got to do something about this and it starts now. 

I recently set a goal to lose 70lbs by May 1st. Yes, 7-0. Yes it seems like a lot of weight but I have a lot to lose. But more importantly than having a lot to lose, I have so much more to gain. And I owe it to myself, my husband (yes, I said husband - no, there isn't something that I didn't tell you), my children and grandchildren, my friends and my family to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I started tracking my weight this week. Every morning before I get in the shower, I get on the scale. When I get to work, I plop the data into a spreadsheet. On Friday, I recently added two more sheets to the document, a food tracker and a activity tracker. 

So far, the weight tracker has been interesting because I think about my eating habits and how that translates to what's on the screen. So starting this week, I'm going back to planning my meals, making it a point to have breakfast, to sit down and cook dinner. I'm always amazed when I cook something and it tastes so good. But it's not like I can't cook, so I shouldn't be shocked. It's just that I don't. And when I do cook, it's either some sort of chicken, or spaghetti. But I'm about making changes now. And really trying to holding myself accountable. And it starts now. 

I'm not going to celebrate another birthday in this fat suit. It's not about looking good in a two piece on the beach. It's about feeling good when I put on jeans, it's about not being winded when I walk up a couple of flight of stairs. It's about getting rid of this flat patch on my ass and getting some sort of figure back. It's about recognizing more than just my face in my pictures. It's about a strong healthy heart, a life free from diabetes and heart disease which has plagued my family for so long. It's about living a long life, like my grandmother and my uncles. It's about taking care of me (first and foremost) and being there for others. I don't want to check out earlier than I have to. Therefore, it's time for me to take care of me and my weight.

A Failed Justice System

When I first started this post, it didn't have a title. I thought about it and I didn't just want to base this on the sentencing in the Oscar Grant trial, although it is somewhat motivated by it. For those of who you may not be aware of the Oscar Grant situation, Oscar Grant was a young man in the Bay Area who was "accidentally" killed by a transit officer who claims he was reaching for his taser and reached for his gun instead, while Grant was faced down and handcuffed on the ground. The transit officer, Johannes Mehserle, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter and was sentenced to two years in prison with time served. Without getting into too many more details about the trial, the case and it's impact on me, I do want to say that we live in a time where justice is rarely served. 

Help me understand this folks: Johannes Mehserle received two years with time served for shooting an unarmed man on New Years' Eve 2009

Michael Vick, NFL Quarterback, received a 21 month prison sentence and a suspension from the NFL for DOG fighting.

Plaxico Burress, former NFL wide receiver, received a 2 year prison sentence for shooting HIMSELF. 

Ben Roethlisberger, NFL Quarterback, has seen his fair share of high profile problems off the field - a near fatal motorcycle accident, and sexual assault allegations in 2008 and 2010 which led to no criminal charges being filed but a 4 game suspension from the NFL. 

Now I know it's not right to just pick on celebrities and their legal troubles (luckily I didn't pick on white b list druggies) but I use these four examples to make a point. We live in a time where our justice system continues to fail us. I don't know if it's only in America, but why is it that what Michael Vick did so much more vicious than what Johannes Mehserle did? Now I am not an animal person, but I believe an animal's life can't be more precious that a human life. That may sound controversial that may not be PC, but I don't believe a man should have to serve more jail time for killing a dog than killing someone else. I'm not saying that you shouldn't value an animal's life, I just can't wrap my head around an animal's life being valued more than a human life. After Michael Vick served his time and lost millions of dollars, people are still hounding him (no pun intended) about him and the dogfighting. In my best Allen Iverson voice, "we're talking about dogs...not people, but dogs." GTFOH....

Plexiglass - that dumb ass fool deserves to be in jail for shooting himself, there's no question about that. But he "accidently" shot himself and got two years in prison - not with time served. Yes he endangered the lives of many, but this dumb ass is basically in jail for shooting himself. He may get out for "good behavior" but he's still a dumb ass...

Ben - all I can do is shake my head at him. I believe he has so much potential as an athlete but he makes some of the dumbest choices. But it also looks like even in making those choices, he gets bailed out. And that's unfortunate. I believe most people won't learn the lessons they should learn if they keep getting bailed out and told "okay just don't do it again". 

So what does all this mean? I feel like the justice system, like a lot of systems in America may have an agenda against the African American male. I believe if the situation in the Oscar Grant case had been reversed, the verdict would have been different but the outcome would have been the same. I don't know what we can do to change it. What I do know is that we live in a time with a failed justice system.

First Impressions, Being Mean, Offering Advice and Good Intentions

So I had a situation today. I offered someone some advice about their resume. My intention was to offer feedback. Not to be mean, not to hurt feelings but to offer constructive criticism. Apparently I was hard about it. So I did what I always do, I get another opinion or opinions. The bestie said I was a little harsh, the neighbor said not so much, the work BFF said I was on point. Now my thing is this - I know how I receive certain information. Knowing this about myself, I am very cautious about how I say things to people. I have never received criticism well, constructive or otherwise. My feedback wasn't received well. In fact, the person has not spoken to me since this AM. I sent a follow up email apologizing for my actions and saying that from now on I will keep my feedback to myself. But this started something else. Footnote: apparently I suffered from foot and mouth syndrome today. I said something to someone else that was misinterpreted. I don't know if I cleaned that up either. But at least he's speaking to me. 

So I ask the receptionist at work if I was mean. She said no, but she thought that I was mean when she first started. I was a little offended but then I asked her was I mean or was it that we just didn't know each other. She said that she didn't know but we're cool now. I don't remember how I was to her when she first started but I know it wasn't my intention to be mean. 

Now I know this has a lot to do about feeling and perception, as well as honesty and truth. I will apologize if I hurt your feelings but at the same time I won't feel bad about telling you the truth. Hopefully you can respect that perspective. I am not a mean person. I am not a mean spirited person. I'm too sensitive to be that. Even when cracking jokes, I try not to go too far because if it comes back on me I'm gonna get butt hurt. And it takes NOTHING for me to start crying. So I'm not going to do anything that would make them cry. My intentions most of the time are good. I don't intentionally try to hurt anyone or go out of my way to be mean. That's just not me. 

But as I said before, I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood. If you don't get the reference, watch this video 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O0y3Rg2SnI

Analyzing My First Solo

So Sunday (7/25/2010), the unthinkable happened.

Here's the back story:

As many of you may know, I am in the choir at my church. I've been singing for like 15 years, more or less. While that may shock most of you, I maintain that it's nothing to be in the choir. I am an awesome choir member, but I am also nowhere close to being a soloist. I do not have that gift and I am okay to say that. Last week at rehearsal, the choir learned a new song and our director said that anyone who wasn't at rehearsal on Friday would not be able to sing on Sunday. Okay, no big deal. I kept telling myself that I need to rehearse my music for Sunday. Well I didn't until Sunday morning. I was running tardy for the praise and worship party but made it in time to march in. We were down quite a few choir members which meant that marching in wouldn't take that long. Our count from the day was 5 sopranos, 4 Altos (including yours truly), 1 (Guest) Tenors and 2 Basses.  Everything is going as scheduled. We are singing our new song and I'm thinking we're going to be done (it's not uncommon for us to do a one and done. This Sunday, however, was not a one and done Sunday). Then our director signals for our band to play one of our church favorites. Again, no big deal. Things didn't really get surreal until my director pointed at me, signaling me to sing the first solo! HUH!???? At first I felt completely picked on. Why the hell are you calling on me? What the hell is this about? This was not rehearsed nor was it previously discussed. While I'm feeling all these things (and a million others), I don't shake him off, I walk up to the mic, wondering what the hell this is going to sound like. As I'm walking to the mic, I did get a warm reception. I sang my little 6 or 8 lines and walked back to my spot in the Alto section. This was a pretty traumatizing situation for me. While I do pretty well in front of large groups, I definitely need prep time and a damn heads up. Sheesh! But I do remember feeling really picked on. But there were some good points from my First Solo. They are listed below.

Things that went well with my solo:

1. I did it
2. I didn't forget the words
3. It appeared to be received well
4. I felt okay after doing it
5. I realized that I wasn't singing to appease the people at my church, I was singing to praise the Lord
6. I didn't fall or otherwise embarrass myself. 

Things that that didn't go so well with my solo:

1. My voice cracked because I was visibly nervous (rightfully so)

Now that I think about it, if that's all that went wrong with it, as far as I'm concerned, then my solo was really a success and I really am open to doing another. Just not on the impromptu like I did it before. 

(Why did it take me so long to finish this blog...because I've been fartin' around doing a million and six other things. Shame on me...but it's done now...on to the next one!)

In This Moment

I had gotten away from blogging tonight because I started farting around on FB, but then I got a text message from one of my dear friends from high school saying that she just lost her baby. I am devastated right now. I am a believer that things happen for a reason and that some time that reason isn't seen or known. Believing and being comforted in the moment are two different things. When you are confronted with the inevitable, believing is what will get you through in the long run, but you will still need to be comforted in the moment. This moment, there is nothing that I can say or do that can help her with her pain. The unexpected loss of a child, there is nothing a friend can say in the moment to comfort a grieving mother. Believing that she will see her son again doesn't change anything that she is feeling in this moment. Part of the reason why this touches me so, is because I've been there, I've seen it, I've felt it and I know that there's nothing that can be done to help in this moment. Losing a child is something I wouldn't wish on anyone no matter what they had done to me. A part of you dies when that happens and there is nothing that can be said or done to change that. Even having another baby, doesn't mean that you forget about this one. I am so sad in this moment. But I will continue to pray and believe that this moment will pass.

Putting It Into Perspective

So tonight when I got home from work, I stopped by my parents' house as I normally do. I've been pissed with my mom recently about some things that she said and did as it related to my birthday.  Tonight she said something and it pissed me off so bad, I was gonna come home, blog and get it off my chest. I got distracted, watched some Star Wars, got to talking to Hank on Skype, basically, just didn't get to it. I get on Facebook not too long ago to check on my home girl who went into labor today. I had been picking on her, I wanted her to have the baby on Friday (my birthday) but she went in today (mind you she came to work today!). Earlier she posted that by the time she had gotten to the hospital she was already well on her way to delivering the baby. So when I checked on her again, she had had her son (Yay!), a little over 7 and 1/2 pounds, and born with down syndrome. I texted my co worker (a different one) about the latest edition to our expanding family. As we talked on the phone, the shock kind of just sank in. My home girl who had the baby posted this on her status : So we welcomed Valentin into the world at 5:56pm. He weighed in at 7lbs 10 ounces. However, GOD decided that I am strong enough to handle a child with Down Syndrome and I accept the challenge. I love my son more than words can express and am willing to do whatever it takes to make his life as easy as possible.

That is pretty deep,  that is powerful, that is love. It's also an opportunity for me to step back for a second. Think, reflect, pray and appreciate. I try not to hold grudges (I think I do pretty well in that department). I am disappointed in my mom right now, which is a tough thing to say. But my heart goes out to my co worker. Growing up in a household with a child with special needs, is a challenge and I can only imagine what it's like from a mother's perspective. I pray for patience, understanding and God's grace as she goes through this life with a new challenge and greater opportunities. 

Lord, in the name of Jesus, I come before you on behalf of PC. You have presented her with a great challenge, but I know that you are a great God and that you have already worked out this situation before the challenge was even presented. Lord, be with PC, her family and friends, as we try to help her as we can. Give us what we need to minister and help her with her situation. Bless baby Valentin as he grows in this new place and he feels the love surrounding him because he was loved before he was here. Lord, be with the siblings as they will have to adjust not only to a new baby in town, but one who will need a little more care and attention than the others. Grant the parents grace, patience and strength to trust in you through this transition. It's not gonna be easy Lord, but it is doable with You leading the way. Be with them and be with us. These blessings I ask in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Humbling and Interesting Moment

So earlier this week I had lunch with an old boss and it produced a humbling and interesting moment. 

Here's the background to why she is an old boss. 

In 2005 when I came home, I was looking for a job and came across a position in the public sector. I had the skill set to compete for the job and after being unemployed for close to six months, it was time for me to get back into the workforce, even if it was something completely different from what I spent five years studying at Howard. I was excited to take the job because it was a definite change from what I had just come from and I was inspired because I was going to be surrounded by people who looked a LOT like me. (Little did I know that working in an office with all black women would be more challenging than I could have ever imagined.) I was going to have a mentor, someone who could possibly help me get back on track after I had been knocked down. That wasn't exactly the case. The person that I was working for (at least it appeared to me) seemed to be a little intimated by me. (It surprises when people are intimidated by someone because of a piece a paper. The paper doesn't make the person, the experience makes the person.) Anyway, things between my old boss and I appeared to be going smoothly as things usually do during the honeymoon phase. I was encouraged and excited about my work as a public servant. That didn't last long. One of the challenges that I had to deal with with is not being properly trained in doing my job and not getting evaluations about my progress while I was on probation. Long story less long, I said and did somethings that I shouldn't have done and I was dismissed from my job. Three incidents within the span of a two week period will kind of do that. It appeared to me that the reaction of two of the events were powertrips. (I didn't want her job and had no intentions of trying to take it from her - I was not and am not that kind of person). 

Anyway, I was dismissed from my job and was unemployed yet again. I maintained a great relationship with my immediate supervisor, who kept me in the loop about things going on in the office since my departure. Every now and again, as an act of maturity (or just an attempt to be like "ha ha bitch you can't keep me down"), I would stop by the office and say hello. I had good relationships with everyone in the office, and I wouldn't be hella disrespectful towards the person who dismissed me. One thing about my immediate supervisor, she was always saying that I was definitely needed back in the office because of the things and the skills that I brought to the office. She was my biggest fan and she hated to see me go. The two of them would have conversations regularly where she would say Camille needs to be back in the office.

Fast forward to earlier this year, the department head approached me about doing some contract work for the office. Apparently, there were some personnel problems in the department and one person wouldn't make it much longer. Damn, that sucks. Now one thing about this job, is that they pay was right! I was ballin' (especially compared to where I am now). There was consistent overtime which was a good thing. If there were two things that I missed about my old job, getting paid every other week and having my car note automatically deducted from my pay check. It was a beautiful thing. So anyway, shit's a little crazy in the office. That kinda sucks. So my biggest fan tells me that the department head is going to contact me about some work in the office. So she contacts me and I told her that we should sit down some time and discuss. I prayed about the situation and was looking for some guidance as to what do to. On one hand, there was no way that I was going to work for that chick in those circumstances and run the risk of being dismissed again. But the flip side is that, the money was great and I could do more. If there was ever a time for me to seek some guidance from the Lord this was that time. So after I didn't hear from her for a while, I just charged it to the game and just doing what I was supposed to be doing. I had gone into the office one day and she was like we still need to talk. I told her to just go ahead and call me when she had some time. 

Now we're into last week. I get a phone call from my biggest fan, telling me that shit's hit the fan in the office and one person has been suspended indefinitely - creating two vacancies in the office. I get a phone call while I am in DC at my meeting on campus and a text message about talking about the work she wants done. I let her know that I am out of town and I will touch base with her when I get back to CA. So I send her a text message asking what her schedule was like and if she was about Tuesday to chat. We ended up having lunch at Kincaid's - her treat. Fancy. I got there shortly after 1 which is when I was supposed to be there and we hugged, chatted and looked at the menu. As we're getting into the meat and potatoes of the lunch, she spends HELLA time talking HELLA bad about the chick who was put on leave indefinitely. The whole time we're having lunch, she's just talking and I am taking it in. Now before I got to Kincaid's, I called my biggest fan and told her about what was getting ready to go down. She advised me to just listen to her and know that she's under hella stress. In addition to all that, I prayed which actually helped calm me before the meeting. So I'm at lunch listening to what she has to say and we get to the point that I really wanted to know about. There was a point where she just looked at me and told me that I was supposed to be right under her. She looked at me and said that to the present moment, she regretted having to dismiss me and it was the biggest mistake she ever made. Wow, really. I just smiled and nodded. She also said that I had put her in a tough position, we were at a stand still but because she was the boss - she had to win. But did you really win if you're back four years later asking for my help. 

The whole thing was quite humbling, both for me and her. I'm sure it had to hurt her pride to say what she had to say. The humbling and interesting part for me was that I told my mom about the situation and the lunch and my mom took her side. At first I was hot! But then I thought about it, she was right. The rational side of me is responsible enough to admit that I was in the wrong, even though I disagree with the outcome. I don't agree but I understand. We'll see where this whole thing takes us. She has some contract work she wants me to do. I'll look at the scope and the deliverables (as well as the cost) and see what it's looking like. For now, I'll just look at things with humble eyes and keep an interesting perspective. 

#thatisall

Reality TV = Desperate to Be Famous (Again). But At What Cost?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can’t stand reality TV. No, I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars, I’ve never seen Survivor, could care less about Bridezillas (although I have seen that one), I just can’t stand reality TV. What kind of TV shows do I watch? Well I am glad you asked – I watch House, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Law and Order, Law and Order:SVU and NCIS. I used to watch Desperate Housewives, but I had to fall back because I am so far behind.  Yes, I like medical and crime dramas. I hear that Modern Family is pretty hilarious but I haven’t gotten up on in. I also like The Good Wife when I can catch it. Never been a fan of The Simpsons, but I hear Family Guy is quite hilarious! But those are the shows that I watch.  I know there are most people who are like, what the hell? You don’t watch reality TV? No! I live my own reality everyday, so why would I want to come home and watch it. And most of the time my reality is cool, it sucks a little, it blows a little, it’s a little awesome, whatever.

I was on a flight from DC this past Sunday and I couldn’t really sleep so I decided to watch TV (flying Jet Blue has it’s perks!) I sat and watched VH1’s Reality TV programming – Brandy and Ray J: Family Business, What Chili Wants and Basketball Wives. There is a common thread among all three of those shows, the main characters are black. But not only are they black, they are famous people, who have fallen off the mainstream media radar who are pressed to be famous again!

While watching these shows, I couldn’t help but be embarrassed for them.  These are people, who for the most part look like me and have nothing better to do than to look absolutely foolish on TV for the sake of fame. In the case of Brandy and Ray J, their show wasn’t terrible, I just don’t understand the point of it other than the fact that both of them are singers who (at least it appears on the surface) are looking to restart/revive their careers. I can’t be too mad at that. They are both too young to be so removed from the music game. But at the same time, I understand that life happens and plans change, cool I get that. But then I got to What Chili Wants. What the hell is Chili’s problem? There is nothing wrong with having some standards and kind of an ideal man that you’re looking for. But the shit she’s talkin’ about is unacceptable. First of all, her list seems like something that a 23 year old girl would be looking for. Chili will be 40 next year! C’mon son! You’re being ridiculous! A couple of things that really get me on Chili’s list is can’t eat pork, can’t smoke or drink. I can feel you on the smoking thing because I really can’t stand smoke at all. But what problem do you have with drinks and pork?  Your list, your business but because of your closemindedness, you are cutting yourself off from meeting your Mr. Right. Do what you do Chili, but I can’t support that.

Then we take a look at Basketball Wives. The premise of this show disgusts me. I guess the good thing about this show is that it isn’t only “black” folks. I put black in quotes because it seems like the other ex-wives are just trying to be down with the black culture – like most people. This is a show about a bunch of ex wives, dishin’ dirt on their famous ex husbands. Really? What happened to keeping things in house? I don’t care how famous you are, everyone doesn’t need to know the details of your marriage and subsequent divorce. Didn’t we learn anything from Tiger and Elin? What the hell happened to MYODB (mindin’ your own damn business!) Plus these chicks are just out being mean and cold hearted. There is nothing educational about what they are trying to do here. All they really are trying to do is get more famous off of putting themselves and their exes on blast. Don’t ever have to make yourself look better in the eyes of most by putting others down. You don’t elevate yourself, you reduce yourself. While you may be lonely because things with the “love of your life” didn’t work out, you are living in a house that is paid for, you have more than enough food in your house for you and your kids, you never have a material want in your life again. But you want sympathy from someone because you can’t get a man? Bitch get outta here. I can’t get a man either but you know what I did. I made a blog to laugh at the funny shit that I have to go through, putting myself on blast, not stepping on someone else to make myself look better. Plus all you’re doing is confirming the stereotype about women being two faced, backstabbers who can’t be trusted. That’s not my reality, so why would I support this?

For those of you who watch the shows, I’m not mad at you and I am not judging you. I’m just saying why I can’t get down with a lot of reality shows. That’s not my reality.

#thatisall