Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm Alright

So I'm trying to get better at this whole blogging thing, as I have said times before. I'm taking a new approach to something. For a WHOLE week (or until I finish the book Souls Revealed and possibly Listening for God - it's a little ambitious for me to read two books in one week but I will give it the ole college try), I'm not talking on the phone (unless it's an emergency or business call), I'm not talking to anyone on ANY instant messenger, I'm not on Facebook or MySpace and I will limit the number of times I check my email. Why am I doing this? Because I need some serious ME time. It seems that I have time for lots of people and lots of things. During this process, I have neglected the MIP - Most Important Person - ME! Now as conceited as that may sound, let me clarify. My "sister" and dear friend recently told me that humble people have a hard time being selfish. When I asked her if she thought I was humble, she said yes. I've thought of myself as a humble person but I longed to be more selfish. I would break into tears because I wanted to be more selfish at times because I was tired and frustrated with being everyone's everything. I longed for someone to be for me what I am for so many people. It ain't happenin'. I am always giving so much of myself and getting so little in return. I recognize based on a conversation with a young man (who I am extremely attracted to) that my being selfless was my blessing. I'll own that. The flip side to that is that it is also my curse. So how do I get rid of my curse and still keep my blessing? You take a little ME time. I am taking some time to heal my heart and my soul. I know that may seem a little dramatic and it may be. There was a point in time when I was considered to be a Drama Queen. There was some truth to that in high school and in undergrad. I would like to believe that I have outgrown it but there are some that would disagree. For the disagreers I say, whatever...ya'll do what you do.

Why take this course of action? Why cut off your lifeline? I'm kind of looking at it as a Fast. People of Christian faith know what it means to fast. You abstain from it and during that period, you take the time to grow closer to God. Fasting doesn't only happen during the Lenten season. You can fast at anytime when you feel you are suffering from spiritual blackout/brownout/burnout. Anytime you feel challenged in your faith or any challenges period, take your concerns to the Lord. Let Him work it out for you. In that process, take a moment (or some time) to grow closer to Him. Understand the plan He has for your life, understand the role He has in your life. Strengthen your faith, strengthen your relationship with Him. It can only lead to better things. When you are in a great relationship with the Lord, you can have a better relationship with your soul. When you have a great relationship with the Lord and with yourself it can also help you have better relationships with other people.

That's what part of this is about for me: building better relationships with people. In order for me to build that better relationship with the next person, I need to have a great relationship with myself. This process will be very challenging for me because it will cause me to take a real, honest look at myself, accepting responsibility for my successes and failures, owning what I've done right and even those I have done wrong. It means forgiving those who have done me wrong and dirty and truly moving on with the rest of my life. I've never really been one to hold grudges, but at the same time, it is very hard for me to heal my heart. A young man (who I am also fond of), wondered why I had such a hard time with trust. It's because for me, I've been betrayed and disappointed by those I trusted and cared for. For me, that's not something that I bounce back easy from. I am an emotional person and when my emotions take control of me, it takes a while for me to get them back. I acknowledge that there is a process that we all go through when something happens. My goal is to change my process and change the way I deal with disappointment, heart break and betrayal.

I recently read the book Souls of My Sisters - really good book. I would encourage others to read it, whether you're going through something or not. It helped me with some things and I believe it'll help others.

So my plan of action for the next week, read more, write down what I'm feeling and what I'm going through as unrated, unapologetic and as untamed as it happens. No more sugar coating. Time to get really real with myself. Time to really start taking care of myself. It's time for me to BE alright instead of just saying it. And what better time than the present!

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