In October, I had the awesome opportunity to participate in our Women's Day weekend at my church. The weekend started of with a women's retreat. One of the exercises that we as a group participated in was called the "Clean Slate" exercise. It basically created and opportunity for people to say somethings that they haven't said but equally important it gave people an opportunity to hear somethings that they haven't heard. As a group, we discussed how we as women may be able to use it outside of the setting of the retreat. One young lady, who is full of life and spunk, said something very powerful. She talked about how helpful the exercise was and how it felt to get somethings off her chest. But she also talked about needing to have this conversation with herself. I totally agreed with that. I thought about it a little bit but never really gave it the attention that it needed.
Recently I had two clean slate conversations with the same person of the course of a week. The content of the conversations on my end (not saying they weren't on his end) were completely honest and 100% genuine. But I realize in the midst of all that I am going through emotionally and personally, I needed to take time out and give myself a clean slate. What better time to do it than during the holidays!?!?!?! It's kinda like New Year's Resolutions but much more genuine. It's an honest conversation with yourself (some people may call that a monologue). It's evaluation about you and what better person to give you that evaluation than yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. You understand the importance of being honest with yourself - you don't benefit anything lying to anyone ESPECIALLY yourself. So why not give yourself a clean slate - you deserve it.
So here's the way the clean slate works: It is made up of five parts; I love you for...Forgive me for...I forgive you for...Thank you for...and a blessing. I am going to put myself on 101st and Front Street and put myself on blast. I know at least one other person who reads this blog but maybe eventually people will be able to be honest with themselves and do the same thing. So *big sigh* here goes nothin'!
Camille...
I love you for your personality. You have your moments but you are certainly a good person. You aren't perfect but none of us are. You have a special touch for friendships and a lot of people rely on you for some sort of support. You have lots of solid rock moments which is part of what makes you a good friend. For the most part you are trustworthy, honest, sincere and devoted to those you love and care about. That combination is a challenge to find in people and you pull it off pretty well. I love that you are consistently striving to improve, not to perfection but to improvement. You're not afraid to take a look at something and see what you can do to change it. You find beauty in most things and in most people. I love you for your inner beauty which is so much more than your outer beauty. You want to believe that people are good and good natured. You work hard and try to make sure that all the kids who are playing in the sandbox can play together - especially if they are playing with you. You're daring and open to try new things from time to time. In short, I love you for being you.
Forgive me for not being a stronger voice of reason. There have been times when you have sought out answers from other people when the answers were right here within you. Forgive me for being weak and scared. There have been times where you have made decisions against your better judgement and paid a dear price for them. What hurts more is that you paid a price when you didn't have to. That was my time to share, my time to be there for you and I dropped the ball. I fumbled. I got caught looking when the game needed me to come through with a big hit. I disappointed you, I failed you. Forgive me for not have great follow through. You have great ideas and great potential if you could channel them. That's where I come in. You could be doing so many great things if you were able to follow through on them. Forgive me for not being the strength you needed, the motivation that you needed. Forgive me.
I forgive you for your self doubt. You second guess and doubt yourself when you don't need to. You are a child of God. He has kept you in His favor for quite some time. He has sustained you when you couldn't sustain yourself. In that sustenance, in His will, somehow you've developed this self doubt, this low self esteem. Boo boo, you need to get over it. That is nothing but the devil trying to get a hold on your life. As a believer, you've got to KNOW and BELIEVE that God's got your back. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I believe it, now it's time for you to believe it. You need to tap into your franchise player. I forgive your for your denial. There are things and situations where you have denied yourself the truth. You know what they are...the guy you started dating when you came home in '05. That on again/off again relationship you had through undergrad and the first year out of it. Those guys you like from two different spectrum. You have lied to yourself about a lot of things and denied the truth. I don't know why you've done it, I don't know what you hoped to accomplish from it, I don't even understand it. But it's not my place to understand it. That, much like your self doubt and self esteem issues, you gotta get over it. I know that it's hard but you've got to find a way to get over it and move on. The franchise player needs that money man! I forgive you for lying, not only lying to me but lying to yourself and lying to others. Those lies may be why you're in the situation that you're in. You need to own that.
I thank you for your energy. You have a special gift. You know the power of a hug, kind words, prayers and blessings for friends and family, a smile (even though you hate doing it sometimes), an innocent or not so innocent flirt with that guy that could turn into something (again) or start something new with another. You have the gift that make someone's day. You have a unique enthusiasm for the strangest things. And honestly, that's okay. It's good that you have a passion about something no matter how obscure it is. You like to see happiness and do your part to create some part of it, in and around you. I thank you for your energy. Keep it up.
Camille, I bless you in the name of Jesus. I pray that your heart and soul heal in a time frame made especially for you. I pray that you find that love that only you know about, I pray that your precious "home" welcome only those who truly deserve to reign there and grow there. I pray that the Lord continue to keep you and sustain you. I pray that He continues to give you the strength and courage to deal with all that life and death throw your way. I pray that you tap into your true beauty and let it shine because it is beautiful as you are. I pray that you learn how to deal without compromising yourself or without denying yourself. I pray that you tap into all your special gifts and talents and continue to leave your mark on the world. The world is a great place with you in and I bless you for all that you will contribute to it. These and all blessings I ask in the name of Jesus, Amen.
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