Saturday, November 26, 2011

So Much for My Happy Ending

So anyone who knows me, knows that I am a hopeful romantic. I always want the happy ending. It doesn't have to be a ride off into the sunset, but if the end result is happiness, I am all the way for it. I'm having certain feelings about things going on around my life and part of me is caught looking around waiting for my happy ending. The other part of me, is trying to keep looking straight and accomplish some of these goals on my to do list. It's hard, especially on days like today. What I'm really trying to hold onto is, the belief that this isn't what God has for me. I know that He sees the hurt and frustration that's going on in my life. My challenge is to trust Him and let Him do what I know he can do for me. 

So earlier this year I had a falling out with someone who was very special to me at the time. As that was unfolding I reconnected with someone VERY special from my past. (Background: there was this guy who I had a crush back in the day. It was definitely a little school girl crush because I clearly didn't know how to act around him. Looking back I can definitely say it was borderline embarrassing. I think what's worse is that this school girl crush was tucked away in a part of my heart for so long. Sure I had been in relationships, but for some reason, this guy stayed on my mind and captured a small piece of my heart so long ago, when I say "so long ago" I mean SO LONG AGO) The beginning of the reconnection couldn't have been scripted any better. One night in February, I had some friends over to the house and I mentioned this guy's name as part of a flashback. The next morning, I see a friend request from him on Facebook (the blessing and curse of all relationships). I accepted the friend request and we began chatting, getting caught up. Now this wasn't a situation where this guy didn't know how I felt about him. I knew, he knew but nothing came of it. I was seeing someone, he was seeing someone. Time passed, we went on with our lives (but he still had a special place in my heart). So us reconnecting was very special and very important to me. 

I mean I could give you play by play of how this thing unfolded but most people are only interested in the punchline of my stories. The story began in February and essentially ended today. In the beginning it was great, talking and texting all the time. We started spending some time together. The situation wasn't ideal because one we both had busy schedules which kept us from spending the kind of time together that I wanted to and he was going through somethings, yeah you know what the things are. So yeah, the situation wasn't ideal but because he was someone special to me, because I thought he was worth special consideration, I tried to work it. As it usually happens, the honeymoon phase ends and reality begins to set in. I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I'm not extremely difficult. The biggest thing that I ask for is communication. As long as we can communicate open and honestly, without an audience, I feel like we should be okay. Now I have baggage and I'm honest enough to admit it. I've been dogged out in some relationships and situations, I've had those moments when I felt like all men were dogs and that they weren't shit but how can you be a hopeful romantic if you think that men ain't shit. It doesn't work that way, In dealing with my baggage, I made it a point to not blame the next man for things that the last man did. BUT you have to own up to what you do. If someone tells you that they have certain issues, you then have to decide whether or not you want deal with them and their issues or not. I feel like you have to give someone credit who is able to really let their guard down and say I care about you enough to show you who I really am. I'm not perfect, I am definitely flawed but you mean enough to me for me and I didn't want to hide who I am from you. And I did that, not with the intention of scaring him off or forcing him to choose a role, but just letting him know where I stand so that nothing is lost in translation. 

But what I realized is that even if you put things out there, things can still get lost in translation. After a while, the phone calls and the text messages weren't coming as frequently, spending time together became more and more challenging. This change in behavior became hard to understand, especially since you couldn't tell me how or why. I was asked by one of my male friends if I loved this guy and I said that I did. I was okay saying this because if I look at the definition of love (n. - an intense feeling of deep affection; v- feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)), this is exactly how I felt about him and I had felt this way about him for most of my damn life. I tried to down play my feelings but it wasn't working. I told him that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. He said he had feelings for me to, that he had love and respect for me but he wasn't there, which I understood. But even having that conversation, things started to fall apart. The truth is, whatever this thing was or wasn't, I held on and fought a lot longer than I should have. When you accuse me of not caring about your feelings, because I express my own, that's a problem. When you don't like the way you're treated but it's a direct reflection of how you treat me, it's a problem. When you start lying and making excuses, when conversations are really arguments, it's a problem. But when you can no longer find the words to talk to someone and the only thing you can do is hang up in someone's face, HOUSTON WE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM. 

There were plenty of flags that went up. There were issues that we both had and didn't really deal with. But if I can't have a conversation with you because you don't want to argue, there is never any resolution. The punchline of this long, almost seemingly pointless blog, my feelings are hurt, my heart is heavy. Someone that I wanted for so long, clearly didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him. Despite me doing things outside of my comfort zone, it wasn't enough. The feelings are gone, clearly the respect and friendship are gone and it really makes me sad. I was hoping for a happy ending with this one. So much for that. I cried about it, partially because that's what I do. But I really have to hold on to the promise that God has something better for me. One song that keep hearing in my head is Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending (, fighting back the tears. I don't know if anything that we had between us can be salvaged or even if we want to. That hurts too...I've cried way more than I thought I would but I guess that's what you do when you cram half a lifetime's worth of feelings into a few months. I'll do my thing, I'll heal and move on. There are a lot of other things that I want to say but I think I did what I needed to and got some things off my chest. Time to start the healing and moving on process.

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