So Much for My Happy Ending

So anyone who knows me, knows that I am a hopeful romantic. I always want the happy ending. It doesn't have to be a ride off into the sunset, but if the end result is happiness, I am all the way for it. I'm having certain feelings about things going on around my life and part of me is caught looking around waiting for my happy ending. The other part of me, is trying to keep looking straight and accomplish some of these goals on my to do list. It's hard, especially on days like today. What I'm really trying to hold onto is, the belief that this isn't what God has for me. I know that He sees the hurt and frustration that's going on in my life. My challenge is to trust Him and let Him do what I know he can do for me. 

So earlier this year I had a falling out with someone who was very special to me at the time. As that was unfolding I reconnected with someone VERY special from my past. (Background: there was this guy who I had a crush back in the day. It was definitely a little school girl crush because I clearly didn't know how to act around him. Looking back I can definitely say it was borderline embarrassing. I think what's worse is that this school girl crush was tucked away in a part of my heart for so long. Sure I had been in relationships, but for some reason, this guy stayed on my mind and captured a small piece of my heart so long ago, when I say "so long ago" I mean SO LONG AGO) The beginning of the reconnection couldn't have been scripted any better. One night in February, I had some friends over to the house and I mentioned this guy's name as part of a flashback. The next morning, I see a friend request from him on Facebook (the blessing and curse of all relationships). I accepted the friend request and we began chatting, getting caught up. Now this wasn't a situation where this guy didn't know how I felt about him. I knew, he knew but nothing came of it. I was seeing someone, he was seeing someone. Time passed, we went on with our lives (but he still had a special place in my heart). So us reconnecting was very special and very important to me. 

I mean I could give you play by play of how this thing unfolded but most people are only interested in the punchline of my stories. The story began in February and essentially ended today. In the beginning it was great, talking and texting all the time. We started spending some time together. The situation wasn't ideal because one we both had busy schedules which kept us from spending the kind of time together that I wanted to and he was going through somethings, yeah you know what the things are. So yeah, the situation wasn't ideal but because he was someone special to me, because I thought he was worth special consideration, I tried to work it. As it usually happens, the honeymoon phase ends and reality begins to set in. I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I'm not extremely difficult. The biggest thing that I ask for is communication. As long as we can communicate open and honestly, without an audience, I feel like we should be okay. Now I have baggage and I'm honest enough to admit it. I've been dogged out in some relationships and situations, I've had those moments when I felt like all men were dogs and that they weren't shit but how can you be a hopeful romantic if you think that men ain't shit. It doesn't work that way, In dealing with my baggage, I made it a point to not blame the next man for things that the last man did. BUT you have to own up to what you do. If someone tells you that they have certain issues, you then have to decide whether or not you want deal with them and their issues or not. I feel like you have to give someone credit who is able to really let their guard down and say I care about you enough to show you who I really am. I'm not perfect, I am definitely flawed but you mean enough to me for me and I didn't want to hide who I am from you. And I did that, not with the intention of scaring him off or forcing him to choose a role, but just letting him know where I stand so that nothing is lost in translation. 

But what I realized is that even if you put things out there, things can still get lost in translation. After a while, the phone calls and the text messages weren't coming as frequently, spending time together became more and more challenging. This change in behavior became hard to understand, especially since you couldn't tell me how or why. I was asked by one of my male friends if I loved this guy and I said that I did. I was okay saying this because if I look at the definition of love (n. - an intense feeling of deep affection; v- feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)), this is exactly how I felt about him and I had felt this way about him for most of my damn life. I tried to down play my feelings but it wasn't working. I told him that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. He said he had feelings for me to, that he had love and respect for me but he wasn't there, which I understood. But even having that conversation, things started to fall apart. The truth is, whatever this thing was or wasn't, I held on and fought a lot longer than I should have. When you accuse me of not caring about your feelings, because I express my own, that's a problem. When you don't like the way you're treated but it's a direct reflection of how you treat me, it's a problem. When you start lying and making excuses, when conversations are really arguments, it's a problem. But when you can no longer find the words to talk to someone and the only thing you can do is hang up in someone's face, HOUSTON WE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM. 

There were plenty of flags that went up. There were issues that we both had and didn't really deal with. But if I can't have a conversation with you because you don't want to argue, there is never any resolution. The punchline of this long, almost seemingly pointless blog, my feelings are hurt, my heart is heavy. Someone that I wanted for so long, clearly didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him. Despite me doing things outside of my comfort zone, it wasn't enough. The feelings are gone, clearly the respect and friendship are gone and it really makes me sad. I was hoping for a happy ending with this one. So much for that. I cried about it, partially because that's what I do. But I really have to hold on to the promise that God has something better for me. One song that keep hearing in my head is Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending (http://youtu.be/s8QYxmpuyxg), fighting back the tears. I don't know if anything that we had between us can be salvaged or even if we want to. That hurts too...I've cried way more than I thought I would but I guess that's what you do when you cram half a lifetime's worth of feelings into a few months. I'll do my thing, I'll heal and move on. There are a lot of other things that I want to say but I think I did what I needed to and got some things off my chest. Time to start the healing and moving on process.

You Know What My Problem Is?

Besides the fact that the title is grammatically incorrect, it also implies that there is only one. In the words of Jay-Z, "I got 99 problems..." But if I had to choose one or at least one in the top ten, I'd say my problem is that I believe in the happily ever after and want it so bad it probably makes me crazy. A couple of weeks ago, I started a blog asking if I was the last of a dying breed. One of the ones who wants to get married, have children and have their own happily ever after. I believe in soul mates, I believe good men (and women) still exist, I believe in and respect the sanctity of marriage, I believe those bullshit love songs and those sappy ass chick flicks. I believe in it all. I know that my love story won't end like The Thomas Crown Affair, The American President, The Best Man or The Brothers (although Best Man and Brothers are much more realistic than the first two). I know that Johnny Castle isn't going to pull me out of the corner, put me center stage and dance with me in front of everyone (although I'd really like that to happen at my wedding reception, le sigh, I digress). But if I know all of this, why do I still want it? Who knows.

Another blog I started was going to talk about how I'm always looking around at other people's relationships, admiring them, secretly wanting them. Now, I know I can't judge a book by its cover. Just because people look happy or they say they're happy doesn't mean that they are. And just because someone else has it doesn't mean that you're supposed to have it. It was reported recently in the news that Will and Jada were separating. That almost bought the world to a screeching halt (literally since there were earthquakes on both the East and West Coast the same day). It's interesting that in the news, you always hear about celebrity couples breaking up. I really root for Will and Jada because they are a successful black couple who have stayed together for years. What goes on in their relationship is not for me to judge. But I am inspired but what they portray through my eyes; beautiful, strong, black love. Now there are skeptics who say that Will and Jada do their own thing. Again, that's their business. But if you're looking to the media for relationship inspiration, you are clearly looking in the wrong place.

About two weeks ago, I was in the choir stand at church listening to the children's choir sing. And because I'm facing the congregation, I can see EVERYONE's facial expressions and body language. (I really believe that I might have Adult ADD, I should have been able to finish this blog by now if I wasn't so damn it distracted). While sitting in the choir stand, I noticed a lot of young, beautiful black couples who were so proud to see their children singing in front of the congregation. There are a lot of couples in my church, young, seasoned, non-traditional. They all have one thing in common, they're in the church. Again, I'm not saying that things in their lives are perfect but this might be a better place for me to look for my relationship inspiration than TMZ, Access Hollywood or E!

(Another problem I might have is these social networks. They make it easy for me to see EVERYTHING. And it seems like people are posting their happiness, damn it I want happiness! Maybe that should be motivation for me to get off of social networking sites for a while).

Let me be clear, while I love seeing strong,  healthy, black love, that doesn't mean that's the only love I'm open to. I consider myself pretty open to love no matter what it "looks" like. Having preferences, is different from being close minded. I think I'm pretty open and my taste in men would show that. And I'm not saying that everything is perfect as long as you go to church. Not saying that either. But I what I'm saying to myself is that I need to stop looking around at what everyone else "has". Let's be honest. People will lie/misrepresent what they have to make themselves feel better and/or to make other people jealous. I don't think that the people that I'm "looking" at are purposely saying "let me make her jealous". Recently I found myself telling myself to stop looking around and to face forward. I'm trying hard to focus on doing that but it's been a tremendous challenge. 

*pause - social networking strikes again. On Twitter, Essence Magazine posted a link about Will and Jada. I proceeded to click on it, read the article. Then there was another link about the 40 black couples we love. After clicking through that slide show, I realize a few things; 1) Essence needs to update that slide show since some of the couple have broken up. 2) Essence did some reaching because some of those couples I didn't even know who they were and 3) They weren't black couples, they were couples that had a black person in it. When I think of black couples, I think of two black people. Is it just me?*

So the answer to this question, you know what my problem is...nope I don't really know either. Wanting a happy healthy, happily ever after isn't a problem. I'm not taking the Kim Kardashian approach to getting it either. If I had to identify my "problem", it would that I'm not patient enough. And because of my impatience, I get distracted looking around at everyone else. I just need to work on my patience and know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Easier said than done, right? But eh, at least I know what my problem is (or at least that one).

The Power of a Quotable Magnet

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that's in you.~ Christian D. Larson

I wish I could say that this was an original piece but it touched me too deeply not to share it with someone else. This magnet is now hanging at my desk, near the Serenity Prayer, my mediation on Prayer and Patience and my meditation on Letting go. Nothing really happens on accident these days. They always happen the way the are supposed to.

Thankful for the Pain

As I begin type this, I have tears in my eyes, pain and hurt in my heart. But I thank God for the pain. I thank God for the tears that fill up my eyes and stream down my face. I'm thankful for the tears because I know that they will eventually stop. Tears aren't a sign of weakness, they are actually a sign of strength, an opportunity for cleansing, a healthy release. God sees by tears and will dry them. I thank God for the pain and hurt in my heart. I'm thankful for this because I know that it's temporary. To heal from hurt isn't to hurt, but to love. I know my heart and I know that despite the pain and hurt I feel in my heart, I know that my heart is capable, able and deserving of love. I know this because there is still love in my heart. God knows my heart and won't let pain or hurt dwell there too long. My heart like my tears are strong and like Leona Lewis says, "it'll all get better in time". This time and that time, I'm thankful. I'm thankful. I am thankful.

Hump Day Gratefulness (Feb. 2)

So yesterday (2/1) I didn’t really get a chance to blog because the internet is down at my house and there was a lot to be grateful and thankful for yesterday. I just hope that my memory doesn’t betray me. Anyway, on to Hump Day (Feb. 2) Gratefulness.

1. Today, I’m grateful that I was able to give some money to some students today. It wasn’t much but I know what it’s like to be a student and not have any money. Even though they work in my office and will get paid next week, I was happy to put some money in their hands. $5 is big money to a student and if it isn’t, the gesture certainly is.
2. Today, I’m thankful for Bible Study and this morning’s meditation reading. God is working on me and I am excited for what’s to come. There’s a part of me that just wants to see the finished product, but I have to go through the process, just like everything else.
3. Today, I’m grateful for knowledge. I never claim to be the smartest but I do want to be around people who can help me to work smarter and not always harder. My good friend Richard, essentially got me to use my Blackberry as a Flash drive. I don’t always agree with everything that he says and that’s totally okay in friendships. You can totally agree to disagree. But sometimes, in relationships and friendships, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear. The challenge is receiving the message for what it is and not killing the messenger. If there’s some truth to it, take THAT and run with it. You don’t necessarily have to hold on to how the message was delivered. I’ve gotten distracted which means I really need to blog about my feelings on friendship. The point I think I was trying to make was that is that despite some of the things that Richard said that I may or may not have agreed with, I did learn something from him today and THAT is important.
4. Today, I’m thankful that I didn’t have a technology fail. I thought I was going to have to go to the Sprint store because my phone locked up during the reboot process last night. Worried that I would completely oversleep, I actually woke up at 6am. No cell phone alarm and no iPod backup, which is actually a little discouraging. I guess I’m actually more thankful that I did have a technology fail and that I am able to function without some of the technology that I have grown so accustomed to. Maybe one day, I’ll do a technology free week. I’ll use my house phone to contact people, won’t use my laptop, write handwritten letters, you know things like that. We’ll see.
5. Today, I’m grateful for one more day that I’m not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. For some reason my dad was worried about things that had nothing to do with him. I wish him a good recovery. There is only so much of this I can truly understand. It’s challenging and demanding on a lot of people. I understand things from my mom’s perspective to an extent but it’s still very challenging. One day soon, there will be a break in the action. It would be nice for my dad to be home to watch the Super Bowl. We’ll see….

That’s all I really have for tonight (and I was able to finish this blog before midnight). Thank you Lord, I love you.

Something A Little Different

Instead of doing my five thankful things for tonight, I was going to do a top five for the month of January. But then I kinda talked myself out of it, for the moment. So instead, I'll talk about my five grateful moments for January 31st and will probably blog twice tomorrow, one on my recap for January and one for the beginning of February. With that said, here's today's list: 

1. Today, I am grateful for the energy of Berkeley students. While some of them are effing nuts, have a sense of entitlement or a combination of both and more, some of them are really inspiring and down to Berkeley, almost like normal people. LOL
2. Today, I'm grateful for bath time. When I got home from work today, I promptly got undressed, turned my iPod on (a little too loud) and ran a nice hot bath. And it felt soooooooooooooooo good. A glass of wine would have been nice, but it wasn't necessary. 
3. Today, I'm thankful for payday. To see all of my paycheck today was a good feeling. I really hate that I get paid once a month but I was really thankful that I got to see all my money, if only for a little while in my account. 
4. Today, I am grateful for God's grace. There are so many things that God's grace has done for me, I can't even keep track, I can't count and I don't try. I just say thank you. 
5. Today, I'm thankful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/DMS. Today, my mommy (yes I said mommy), gave me a little bit of change which I put into my gas tank and she gave me two pieces of fruit. I helped my daddy (yes, daddy) with some stuff early this AM and talked to him on my way home. He wasn't too happy but I know that talking to him brightens his day a little. Don't know when I'll be able to see him because, I got a couple of things going on during the week. I still try to talk to him everyday. I try to do my part on both sides.

Thanks God. You don't have to but You do and I'm grateful and thankful #thatisall

Sunday's Grateful Moments

I kinda live for weekends, even though I feel like I don't do enough on weekends. A perfect weekend for me would be a weekend where I could just decompress from everyone. Brandelyn once told me about how powerful it was for her to unplug from everything. I'm going to try that soon. Anyway on to Sunday's grateful moments. 

1. It's been a week since I sent the email (I guess at some point in time I will have to address the email situation in a blog) and it's been hard. I do miss my friend but I am grateful for forgiveness. See, when I sent the email, which was sent from a place of anger and hurt, I meant everything I said in the email, especially the part that I forgive. I believe I'm getting to a place where I don't hold on to anger too long because it's not really worth it. Besides, true friends shouldn't be angry at each other for long periods of time. I'm not saying true friends don't get any at each other and don't hurt each other, but what I am saying is that TRUE friendship heals anger and hurt, through forgiveness. 
2. Today, I'm thankful for friendship. Since I sent the email, it's really been an issue about what friendship really looks like to me. (I guess that's another blog I have to get on as well). Last night, during Ladies Night at Mi Casa Lounge, I told Patrice that we were going to a comedy show tonight to support Chris, a friend of mine from the old school. She was totally cool with it. Tonight, we went to a newer Oakland venue to support my old school homie. It was a good time, a bit much for a Sunday night but we had fun. I love that I have Patrice not only supporting me but also telling me when I'm wrong. To me, friendship is about holding friends accountable, through the good and bad. 
3. Today, I'm grateful for silence. Sometimes, it's not about what you say but it's about what you don't say and how you act in light of what you don't say. As someone who feels, a lot of the time that they have to have the last word in conversations (read: arguments), sometimes the most powerful thing, is the thing you don't say. Do I regret not telling him how I feel? Yeah kinda but I'm not necessarily talking about that kind of silence. There is a powerful silence that happens when you don't say anything and you let things happen.
4. Today, I'm thankful for laughter and not taking things (or myself) too seriously. I generally don't like stand up comedy. Part of that might have to be the things that I like or find funny aren't generally appealing to everyone. As Patrice and I were driving back to my house, I was telling her about a conversation that I had with someone who suggested that I get into stand up comedy. I joked about how all my jokes would be about Star Wars and Baseball, because those are some of the things that I like. But tonight, while we were at Chris' show, one of the comedians decided to pick on me a little bit, which was fine. I didn't look or say anything too crazy and I kinda just laughed it off. If I was feeling myself, I would have wanted to talk all types of crazy to him but I realized, it wasn't that serious. This man makes his living telling jokes. If he wants to tell a couple of jokes at your expense, as long as he's not insulting or disrespectful, laugh a little and wait until he gets off the stage. What's the worse that could happen? Your friends crack jokes on you for a little while...big deal. In my case tonight, I came away with a new nickname (I'm sure it won't stick too long: Sugar Shoulders). Hahaha, it's all good. Like I said, I don't take myself too seriously so I'm good. 
5. Today is one more day that I'm grateful to not be a member of the DDS and/or DMS. Again nothing major happening. Just another moment of appreciation. 

When I post this blog, it will be the last Monday in January. I feel like so much time is going past me and I feel like I have so much going on. Let me take some steps to get closer to more inner peace and some of my other goals on my 2011 Vision/Inspiration Board. 

Father, I thank you for another opportunity and another little bit of your grace and mercy. #thatisall

Saturday's Thankful List

Here's Saturday's (1-30-11) list: 

1. Today, I'm thankful for laughter. Laughter makes the world go 'round. Laughter and truth.
2. Today, I'm thankful for girl talk. Tonight we had girl talk at the house for a long time. I'm thankful for the lounge nights at Mi Casa Lounge.
3. Today, I'm grateful for grace. God protects me from so much time and time again.
4. Today, I'm grateful for the weekend and what the weekend means. To me, the weekend means, no schedules, nap times and doing what the hell I want to, when I want to. 
5. Today's another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. Today wasn't over the top with either one of them in one way or the other. Some times, no news is good news. 

Thank you Lord for another chance and hopefully another opportunity to try and get it right. #thatisall

Friday's Grateful Moments

Besides the fact that today is (was) Friday, here's what I am grateful for: 

1. Today, I am grateful that I'll be getting a little bit more money in my paycheck starting Tuesday (today was just a preview).
2. Today, I am grateful that even though I overslept, I was able to be on time for today's meeting/discussion. It was at this discussion that I found out there will not be any layoffs in my department. I am grateful for some job stability.
3. Today, I reflected on the 25th anniversary of the Challenger tragedy. Although, that one event changed my career path (at 6), I am thankful to remember such a historic but horrific event.
4. Today, I'm thankful that I got my highest score in Bejeweled Blitz (yeah it's the little things).
5. Today, I'm thankful that I was able to walk my mom through being able to turn her computer off and turn it back on (yeah it was that simple) to get it to work again and I talked to my dad, which means that I am not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. 

Today was a good day. Hopefully I will get some rest this weekend. Thank you Lord for weekends, grace and mercy. 

Thursday's Thankfulness (01-27-11)

I'm just about completely used to this.

1. Today, I'm thankful for perspective and friendships. I can honestly say I know (most of the time) when I'm right and when I'm wrong and I am able to explain (read: defend) my point of view in both times.
2. Today, I'm thankful for a niece's love. When I get home, my niece was happy to see me. That's a good feeling. 
3. Today, I'm thankful for music and the great memories that music can bring back. Jammin' to Master P (How You Do Dat) this AM while in the shower and then Beyonce' (Naughty Girl). Two songs, on different ends of the spectrum that made me smile this AM. Helped my day get off to a great start. 
4. Today, I'm grateful for Jesus and his parables. Being able to make a point through telling a story is the effective way to ensure that the lesson sticks.
5. Today (uh huh, you know what's coming), I'm grateful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. We're getting better at communicating with each other. Now if I could only get them to communicate better with each other. That's another story.

Thank you Lord for reflection, love and friendship. They are important and I am thankful.