Blogging From the Bath Tub (Feb. 11, 2010)

The last couple of days have been pretty awesome. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Things happened that shouldn't be taken for granted, though. Every day that passes and I am not a member of the Parents Who Have Passed on Society is a good thing. Right now I am sitting in my bath tub with a candle lit and my iTunes playing from my computer. Calmness. Peace. Contentment. A soothing feeling that I can't describe other than saying, Jesus thank you. A nice cooked meal would top this evening off, accompanied with a glass of wine. But since I didn't cook and it's well after 8pm, I will have to "settle" for the glass of wine (oh darn). I could get used to this. Something so simple as a bath, a candle and an eclectic music mix - something so simple with so much power. Maybe this is how I kick off my I love me some me weekend. Who knows what's on tap for tomorrow (other than choir rehearsal), but for right now, I thank God for this moment right here. Peace, calm, relief all wrapped up into one. Right now, I've found my peace in my valley.

Feb. 11, 2010

I have a couple of friends who have pretty awesome blogs. Not just talking about what they are talking about, but the lay out and everything. is absolutely awesome. But then I think to myself " How do you have that much time to blog about so many things and still have a full time job? Maybe you don't have as many things on your plate but I just don't have the time like that. Or I'm not managing my time well. Same same.

So Col. Mustard shot himself in the foot and as they say in the Chi "He Gon'!" I love when people take themselves out of my life. It makes it easier on me. I don't really like cutting people off but if you say or do something so contradictory to what I believe you can get gone! 

James is feelin' himself. Good for him. 

Dud is on his way out of town, told him to have a safe trip. 

I love people and when I say that I mean that I really don't. People are absolutely amazing. Yesterday, people were completely up in arms about the John Mayer Playboy article. I thought it was interesting how people initially only posted part of his interview where he dropped the N word and talked about a few black women. In reading the whole article, I am not defending what he said. But I just don't understand the difference between him saying it in an interview (by the way that was really poor editing by the Playboy staff) and the average person saying in a conversation with their homies. 

*Footnote - it's better to have too much guac and not enough chips than not enough guac and too many chips*

My department head thinks that I have bronchitis, that sucks! But that would explain this lingering cough. 

I'm getting ready to head to a meeting on campus. My hope is that Anita breaks out in song. 

More Randomness

So I have been sitting here in peace and quiet. I had a brief textsation (conversation via text message - yeah I made that up) with a guy that I dated almost 10 years ago (DAMN has it really been that long, I guess so) who commented on my previous blog entry (don't worry, I won't put you on blast - in case you're reading today). He said that he thought that I had a lot going on. I went back and re-read my blog. Man if you think that's a lot, you haven't seen anything yet.

I am trying to adjust to life without TV. I am trying to make some decisions about certain things in my life, in an effort to budget. Far too often I get caught up trying to keep up with the Jones', but them foolios ain't worried about me so why should I be worried about them.

Tonight when I got home, I was quite distracted about whatever. I'm still not feeling 100 so my first thought was to get in the bed and get some rest. That didn't work too tough. I knew that I wasn't going to have one of my moments where I started calling people in my phone book just to talk.

*Footnote - I reallllllllllllly hate the reply all button. I wish people would stop overusing it! Damn!*

One thing that I haven't really talked about recently is my battle with depression. One thing about this blog is that it is an honest look at my life, my struggles, my victories and defeats. The average person won't put themselves on blast like I do, which can be a good and a bad thing. Some aspects of my life I need to be more open, others I should probably keep to myself. Maybe when I grow up, I'll know when to say when. I suffer from depression. Not the kind where I need drugs and I'm hella crazy (maybe I should start taking the pills - that was a joke). Around this time last year (January 2009) I started seeing a psychologist. The first thing that I told her is that I want to get well without using drugs. Over the course of our sessions, I learned things about myself,  about my behaviors and about my environment which cause me stress and lead to my depression. On the depression scale, I am on the mild side of things. There is a lot in my life to be grateful and thankful for. My hope is that in time I will hold more to that than the alternative.

Tonight, I was reading a classmate from high school's blog.

*Footnote - it is inspiring to share the same space with talented people. At times I forget what I am capable of and it takes seeing someone else express themselves to know that it's okay for me to express my talents too*

In reading this classmate's blog, one blog of interest was her perspective on the statement "there are no good men out there". I read her blog, re-read mine and realized that the guys in the picture weren't totally the problem. Granted a big problem in most relationships is communication or more complexly communicating expectations and hopes. I believe James and Mr. Dud are pretty good guys. I'm pretty sure they just aren't right for me. That Col. Mustard though...he might be kinda shady. Incompatible doesn't mean universally bad - it means bad for you. You are not the standard on what is right and wrong in relationships, so if you have a bad experience with a guy, it might just be the situation - two people, two different books, not right, not wrong - just different.

So I pulled myself together and made it to work today (I was out for the last couple of days with flu like symptoms). A little goes a long way when it comes to makeup can not be any closer than the truth.  I believe in the grand scheme of things I am a natural beauty. I have great skin (thanks mom and dad) and a natural smile (when I do smile). I think my personality is pretty awesome most of the time too. I think that part of my natural beauty in my slightly tomboyish innocence which also gets me in trouble. I know the importance of pulling all the stops out (hair, feet, nails - all the girly shit), I just don't embrace it regularly. That's just not me. The funny thing about that is, I have TONS of MAC makeup. Why, because I like the way it looks on other people and I do like the way it looks on me. Plus getting it at a discount helps...(pause while I take call from Richard)

*Footnote - I took a phone call from a friend of mine, read him my blog so far. He seemed to like it, except for the footnote part. He thought they should be called sidenotes. No boo, my blog, my notes. Deal with it!

Anyway, I put on some lip color, one eye shadow, liner and mascara. There were some comments like "wow, you're all made up today". I didn't think adding a little color could mean so much but apparently it does. If you know anything about MAC, you know that not only do they use WAYYYYYYYYYY more than one, they often use bright and bold. Definitely not the case for me, going into work, even if I was going to athletics. Anyhoo, the meeting was fairly productive except I could hardly talk and sounded really nasally most of the time. But I am excited to work with athletics (insert smirk here). 

I talked to Dud today. We actually have some work to discuss so we will probably talk tomorrow. Nothing's going to come from it. He, like my Ninja Turtle *remember I change the names to protect me from getting my ass kicked* will most likely be admired from a far. And I am cool with that. For now, let's focus on doing me, loving me, appreciating me, spending time with me, catering to me. Everyone else who matters will still be there when I'm done. 

~Good night~ with a shot of Henny!

Random Ramblings on Men/Relationships/Life

When I intitally grabbed my laptop and brought it into my room, I did so because I had some things that I wanted to blog about. But I got distracted playing with my phone and what not (I got a Blackberry recently and I just put some of my iTunes on it to create some ring tones - yeah I know, don't judge me). 

I have been feeling a lot of different things lately. Most of them have not been too positive: Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Pain. These are all feelings that I've had in the last week. I think of all those things that I have been feeling, disappointment and sadness stick out the most. I think for me because they go hand in hand. I have been disappointed a lot lately by guys (big shocker I know). But I honestly don't know if it's me, them, both or neither. I think it has to be looked at on a case by case basis. 

For example, let's look at the case of James Bond *the names have been changed to prevent me from getting my ass kicked later on down the line* James and I have known each other for quite some time (since middle school). After we'd been hanging out/hooking up for a little bit of time, I decided to tell him something that I thought he knew, that I liked him. Well 3 weeks later, I haven't seen or talked to him since. 

*Footnote - I asked my best friend why she thought that I was single. Her response was that I give too much of myself too quickly and it can be overwhelming or intimidating. She said that I was just that type of person whether it's in intimate relationships or in platonic friendships. I personally don't see it as a bad thing, but I also see where she's coming from*

Now, I didn't know that me telling you that I liked you translated to you that I was trying to marry you by my next birthday. But if that's how you took it, then there is nothing that I can do for you. We obviously have a break down in communication. But because you're a punk ass, there's nothing more I need to say to you, except kick rocks. 

Then there is Col. Mustard. The situation with Col. Mustard doesn't need a whole lot of explaining. We hooked up once, we had a "situation during the session". Haven't hooked up since. One of the major reasons is that he didn't tell me that he had a chick. The problem is that the dude was talkin' about how he didn't want to get in a relationship with anyone and blah blah blah. I found out based on some investigating (and that's all I'ma say about it). Gone from 'round here!

Then there is Mr. Milk Dud. He has no clue that I even have my eyes on him and at this point, it will stay that way. Given a lot of factors, I won't put myself out there for rejection. You deal with what you got going on. We'll talk during the off season - when I'm hella busy and stressed out.

*Footnote - I just bought and am listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. I heard this song a while ago watching TV with my dad. I remembered that I liked that song a lot back in the day and decided to give iTunes $1.29 for it - good thing it was from a gift card*

If there is some truth that my life is a reflection of my house, then I understand why things are the way they are. I have never been a neat person but I've never been a slob. I've functioned for so long in what can be called chaos, I don't know what to do.

I think it's safe to say that the first two are more disappointing while the last one is fear. I often wonder what I would do if I wasn't afraid. Most times I am really happy that I have a filter and don't always shoot from the hip. But I wonder what my life would be like if I shot from the hip more often....

Disappointment

I think that the people closest to me have proven to be the biggest source of disappointment. One of my BFFs agreed to help me with a project and hasn't. I understand that she has stuff going on, but she committed to helping me with this project, she put herself out there and said that she would help. #fail! 

*Footnote - one thing I have never been good at is reading people or reading the writing on the wall, never been my strong suit*

Last October I took a friend with me to a pretty big event on the East Coast. We agreed that she would contribute some to the rental car and hasn't. At this point it's really not about the money. It's about the disrespect that you have shown me by not paying me the money YOU said you would pay. Then PLEASE don't talk to me about buying anything or anything. You have changed so much because of him, I hope it's worth it. 

One word that I didn't use earlier was distracted. I have been so damn distracted with so much and I just don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I really do feel like I have Adult ADD or something. I can't focus long enough to do much these days. I might really need to start writing things down. And with all the cute notepads I have it really shouldn't be too hard. 

I guess the moral of this blog *SHIT I HAVE A MEETING AT HAAS TOMORROW! FUCK THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BE CUTE(R) FOR WORK TOMORROW ! SHIT!* Once again, my adult ADD has taken a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I had a good point to make. Lord knows that now I don't know what it is. Maybe if I babble a little bit more, it'll come back to me. (Truth is - that never really works out for me. Once it's lost, it's gone for good).

I hope in 2010, I can get some of the chaos that I've been functioning in together. I hope I can meet some real people who discuss real things, who use real talk and have real action in their lives. 

I miss some of the people from my early 20s and even my past life. I miss when things seemed to be a lot easier.

Your husband/boyfriend has a thing for me and has had said thing for quite sometime. He's even suggested that we kick it, even though we're friends. I feel a certain way about that whole situation. I try to avoid you and your husband/boyfriend if I can. 

What else can I babble about? Nothing. Let's go have a couple of spoons of ice cream, chase it with some Nyquil and water and go to bed. You've said a lot and nothing. Life is always about interpretation.

Propped Up In Purple - Random Moment

Purple's my favorite color. I have a purple laptop, a purple phone and purple prescription eyeglasses.

Random Ramblings on 1/28/2010

• I think I have adult ADHD at times
• I have classmates who are working on having their 4th baby and I still haven't had one. Is there something wrong with that picture?
• Maybe confessing your feelings to someone via email isn't a good look. 
• I am guilty of Facebook Stalking
• I wonder how long it's gonna take me to finish this post.
• I had a thought when I went upstairs, but damn it it's gone!
• How many times do you rub your deodorant under each arm? How much is too much?
• I think I'ma stop giving out advice for free
• I think she's gonna make "it". I don't want to hate but she's really pissed me off.
• Why did I dream that I ran into the whole cast of NCIS when I was checking out of my hotel in Vegas and Michael Weatherly (Anthony DiNozzo) offered to pay for my room?
• How do you get mad that someone didn't talk to you but when they tried you didn't have time for them?
• Is it bad when your clueless boss is trying to hook you up with someone?

I think I'm done for the moment. But this maybe a reoccurring item...stay tuned.

2010 Gets It In

Well it's been a while since I've been in the mix around these parts. But I promise, 2010 - WE GET IT IN. That is all for this post....

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #6 Spritual Awakening

Describe how you have stepped out on faith.

Leaving my job at Coach, at my beginning of the economic crisis was an example of me stepping out on faith. That little bit of money I got weekly, helped make ends meet as I was getting paid monthly. I left a situation where I was comfortable and moved into a situation where I was uncomfortable but knew that I was still kept by God. Even though the money's a little funny these days, I know that God is still in control.

How do you look at your life?

There are many times when I frustrated with how my life is going. But I am getting more comfortable with the notion that my life is the way it's supposed to be. If I was supposed to have the things I get caught up looking at, I believe that the Lord would have given them to me. (It's funny that as I'm writing about my life, Live Your Life - T.I. and Rihanna comes on - MESSAGE!)

Do you pray?

Not nearly as often as I should. 

Do you have a spiritual relationship with God? 

I do. 

Describe how your faith has been easily wavered or increased over time. Give details. 

One time when my faith wavered is probably when I lost my job at ESPN and then lost my job at the City of Oakland. I felt like God shut me out of my dream or at least what I wanted. My faith continues to increase when I think about how far my father has made it, even as he struggles with his health. Many of men have died, while my father lives. You can't make me doubt my God. 

Do you call on God only when there is a crisis or do you have an ongoing relationship with God?

I do seem to call on God more when there is a crisis but I do  have an ongoing relationship with God. I feel God's presence in my life and in my heart. I should talk to God more often.

When you're in the middle of a crisis are you able to surrender to God?

I believe that I am. 

Have you faced a health crisis and if so, how were you able to work through it?

I've had a couple. The only way that I could get through it, is to trust that the Lord will bring me through. 

What gifts do you believe God has given you? 

The gift of caring. I am a very caring person. I have a good way with words, and I think I communicate pretty well. I also have the gift of devotion. Until you do me wrong, and sometimes after, I will be devoted to you through thick and thin.

How do you plan to have your gifts work to help your fellow sisters?

If you call on me, I will be there to support you. Give you words to help encourage you through your storm and sometimes not saying anything and letting you get your words out to help you with that release. 

What would you like to bring closure to? What are you most grateful for?

I would like to bring closure to those relationships that were damaging to me. Intimate relationships and friendships have beaten me up pretty bad. But those same relationships that beat me up taught me valuable lessons about other people as well as myself. I'm grateful for that and the ability to forgive.

Revelations Revealed:

Dream big, embrace your challenges, use the power of prayer...

 "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE"

 When you get to the moment of realization that you are brilliant, gorgeous, talented and absolutely unequivocally fabulous, YOU ARE AWAKE!

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #5 Standing in the Gap of Grace

More Soul revealing by yours truly...

Have you experienced being attacked at a critical point in your life?

I don't know if I can say that I've been attacked at a critical point. I know that I have been attacked different times in my life. Were they critical? Probably not. 

How did you feel during and after that experience?

I don't remember. I guess that means that it wasn't critical because I don't remember. 

Did you abandon your dream?
For some time after I left ESPN, I felt like I did abandon my dream. I felt like a failure.

What lesson did you learn about yourself?

It took some time to learn that, I wasn't a failure as a person, ESPN was a failure as an organization. The people who said they would help me, they failed. I took that personally for a long time. But eventually I have gotten better with it. Now at this point, I can say that I have the power to change lives and help mold better people. THAT is way more rewarding that "making good TV".

How much time do you spend working? Is it often during evenings, days off, weekends and holidays?

The question "how much time do you spending working?" is a very tricky one. It really depends on what you consider to be work. I'm always working on something. Doing something for church, working on this project for the Alumni, I am always doing stuff for other people. Doing things for family and friends, I don't really have much for myself, which creates a sense of resentment and me wanting to be more selfish. It's still not working. 

Who did you surround yourself with during tough times - cheerleaders or naysayers?

I don't have too many cheerleaders on my team. I'm working on recruiting some more. The naysayers in my life disguise themselves as cheerleaders but that's not who they are.

Were you able to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel? Or were you in a fog?

During most times of trouble and distress, things get very foggy for me. There have been a few times when I have been able to put my head down and get to the goal. But lately, things get really foggy for me. 

How do you think it prepared you for your next life crisis?

I don't know.

Give an example of leading under adversity.

Dealing with my father's illness, caused me to be thrown into a role of leadership. At times, my mother doesn't handle stress well, which puts the burden on me. It seems like more times than not, when my father gets sick, I am running point, regardless of what my mother believes. Having my father have to go to the hospital often means that I have to know what's going on with him and his medications. It's a challenge but it's also a task that I will pass on to one of the brothers who will have to step up in my absense. 

How can you eliminate chaos from your life?
The biggest way is to say no and to feel comfortable saying no. A lot of times I get caught up in other peoples drama (as if I don't have my own to deal with). I have to get used to and comfortable with saying no, ESPECIALLY if my sanity depends on it. 

Provide five ways in which you can seed optimism in your life.

1. Use positive thoughts and affirmations daily.
2. Surround yourself with more positive, optimistic people in your life.
3. Believe that positive energy is within you, no matter what the negative circumstance is. 
4. Look for the positives in all situations. 
5. Pray, pray, pray! And know that God wants you to succeed and will give you the tools to do so.

Revelation Revealed:

Road blocks will not deter me and fear will not prevent me from living my life in God's grace in a perfect way.

Trying to Get Better

Now that school has started at Berkeley, maybe I'll have some time to blog more. I've been thinking about doing an up and coming blog, but that is something that I would really need to committ to and I just don't have the time to do that. One thing that I do know is that blogging does relive some stress, blow off some steam. One day, I'll get better at this. Maybe I should just set aside a designated blog time once a week, maybe Wednesdays and just blog about everything and nothing at the same time. 

So it's interesting. I call myself on Technology time out - me taking some time away from my vices, Facebook and talking on the phone. One might think that I am pretenous because I have a custom text message that I am sending to people. It basically just says I'm not taking phone calls or text messages from anyone right now and that I'll holla at you in a few days. This has come along because of a couple of reasons. The most important reason is that in conjuction with having really crazy mood swings when my period comes around, one person pissed me off. I'm pretty sure he didn't do it on purpose and I'm VERY sure he doesn't even know that it's his fault. But he makes my head hurt by giving me mixed signals. So right now, I am trying to determine what I'm going to do with the signals he's sending me. It's all a little complex (or maybe not and I'm just being dramatic) but I've decided that I needed some time away from him for a little while. So why take my time out on my favorite addiction, Facebook? The only good reason that I can think of is because it gives me an opportunity to be clear. I can get on Facebook and get completely distracted (after all, isn't that what Facebook is - a GREAT, BIG distraction!?). I need to focus and be clear about a lot of the things that are going through my head and make clear deciscions. I have some big choices to make in the near future and I gotta make sure that I am comfortable and clear. 

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't turn on the TV and don't get on Facebook. So far today - I've started two grad school applications, read to my neice after her first day of school and posted on my blog at least twice. 

I've just needed to be clear with somethings and some people. I realized that a lot of the relationships that I held close to me, should have been let go and purged a long time ago. And maybe they have on the other person's end but not on my end. This is really just some good ole fashion me time with minimal contact with other people. I do have plenty of contact with the people at work but I can't really avoid that either. Even the people I work with, I am evaluating their place in my life. I am really learning not to take too many things personally. That is the big thing, not takng things personally. But that's part of who I am, so that change will not come over night. But like I said, I'm trying to get better.