Random Ramblings on Men/Relationships/Life

When I intitally grabbed my laptop and brought it into my room, I did so because I had some things that I wanted to blog about. But I got distracted playing with my phone and what not (I got a Blackberry recently and I just put some of my iTunes on it to create some ring tones - yeah I know, don't judge me). 

I have been feeling a lot of different things lately. Most of them have not been too positive: Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Pain. These are all feelings that I've had in the last week. I think of all those things that I have been feeling, disappointment and sadness stick out the most. I think for me because they go hand in hand. I have been disappointed a lot lately by guys (big shocker I know). But I honestly don't know if it's me, them, both or neither. I think it has to be looked at on a case by case basis. 

For example, let's look at the case of James Bond *the names have been changed to prevent me from getting my ass kicked later on down the line* James and I have known each other for quite some time (since middle school). After we'd been hanging out/hooking up for a little bit of time, I decided to tell him something that I thought he knew, that I liked him. Well 3 weeks later, I haven't seen or talked to him since. 

*Footnote - I asked my best friend why she thought that I was single. Her response was that I give too much of myself too quickly and it can be overwhelming or intimidating. She said that I was just that type of person whether it's in intimate relationships or in platonic friendships. I personally don't see it as a bad thing, but I also see where she's coming from*

Now, I didn't know that me telling you that I liked you translated to you that I was trying to marry you by my next birthday. But if that's how you took it, then there is nothing that I can do for you. We obviously have a break down in communication. But because you're a punk ass, there's nothing more I need to say to you, except kick rocks. 

Then there is Col. Mustard. The situation with Col. Mustard doesn't need a whole lot of explaining. We hooked up once, we had a "situation during the session". Haven't hooked up since. One of the major reasons is that he didn't tell me that he had a chick. The problem is that the dude was talkin' about how he didn't want to get in a relationship with anyone and blah blah blah. I found out based on some investigating (and that's all I'ma say about it). Gone from 'round here!

Then there is Mr. Milk Dud. He has no clue that I even have my eyes on him and at this point, it will stay that way. Given a lot of factors, I won't put myself out there for rejection. You deal with what you got going on. We'll talk during the off season - when I'm hella busy and stressed out.

*Footnote - I just bought and am listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. I heard this song a while ago watching TV with my dad. I remembered that I liked that song a lot back in the day and decided to give iTunes $1.29 for it - good thing it was from a gift card*

If there is some truth that my life is a reflection of my house, then I understand why things are the way they are. I have never been a neat person but I've never been a slob. I've functioned for so long in what can be called chaos, I don't know what to do.

I think it's safe to say that the first two are more disappointing while the last one is fear. I often wonder what I would do if I wasn't afraid. Most times I am really happy that I have a filter and don't always shoot from the hip. But I wonder what my life would be like if I shot from the hip more often....

Disappointment

I think that the people closest to me have proven to be the biggest source of disappointment. One of my BFFs agreed to help me with a project and hasn't. I understand that she has stuff going on, but she committed to helping me with this project, she put herself out there and said that she would help. #fail! 

*Footnote - one thing I have never been good at is reading people or reading the writing on the wall, never been my strong suit*

Last October I took a friend with me to a pretty big event on the East Coast. We agreed that she would contribute some to the rental car and hasn't. At this point it's really not about the money. It's about the disrespect that you have shown me by not paying me the money YOU said you would pay. Then PLEASE don't talk to me about buying anything or anything. You have changed so much because of him, I hope it's worth it. 

One word that I didn't use earlier was distracted. I have been so damn distracted with so much and I just don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I really do feel like I have Adult ADD or something. I can't focus long enough to do much these days. I might really need to start writing things down. And with all the cute notepads I have it really shouldn't be too hard. 

I guess the moral of this blog *SHIT I HAVE A MEETING AT HAAS TOMORROW! FUCK THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BE CUTE(R) FOR WORK TOMORROW ! SHIT!* Once again, my adult ADD has taken a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I had a good point to make. Lord knows that now I don't know what it is. Maybe if I babble a little bit more, it'll come back to me. (Truth is - that never really works out for me. Once it's lost, it's gone for good).

I hope in 2010, I can get some of the chaos that I've been functioning in together. I hope I can meet some real people who discuss real things, who use real talk and have real action in their lives. 

I miss some of the people from my early 20s and even my past life. I miss when things seemed to be a lot easier.

Your husband/boyfriend has a thing for me and has had said thing for quite sometime. He's even suggested that we kick it, even though we're friends. I feel a certain way about that whole situation. I try to avoid you and your husband/boyfriend if I can. 

What else can I babble about? Nothing. Let's go have a couple of spoons of ice cream, chase it with some Nyquil and water and go to bed. You've said a lot and nothing. Life is always about interpretation.

Propped Up In Purple - Random Moment

Purple's my favorite color. I have a purple laptop, a purple phone and purple prescription eyeglasses.

Random Ramblings on 1/28/2010

• I think I have adult ADHD at times
• I have classmates who are working on having their 4th baby and I still haven't had one. Is there something wrong with that picture?
• Maybe confessing your feelings to someone via email isn't a good look. 
• I am guilty of Facebook Stalking
• I wonder how long it's gonna take me to finish this post.
• I had a thought when I went upstairs, but damn it it's gone!
• How many times do you rub your deodorant under each arm? How much is too much?
• I think I'ma stop giving out advice for free
• I think she's gonna make "it". I don't want to hate but she's really pissed me off.
• Why did I dream that I ran into the whole cast of NCIS when I was checking out of my hotel in Vegas and Michael Weatherly (Anthony DiNozzo) offered to pay for my room?
• How do you get mad that someone didn't talk to you but when they tried you didn't have time for them?
• Is it bad when your clueless boss is trying to hook you up with someone?

I think I'm done for the moment. But this maybe a reoccurring item...stay tuned.

2010 Gets It In

Well it's been a while since I've been in the mix around these parts. But I promise, 2010 - WE GET IT IN. That is all for this post....

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #6 Spritual Awakening

Describe how you have stepped out on faith.

Leaving my job at Coach, at my beginning of the economic crisis was an example of me stepping out on faith. That little bit of money I got weekly, helped make ends meet as I was getting paid monthly. I left a situation where I was comfortable and moved into a situation where I was uncomfortable but knew that I was still kept by God. Even though the money's a little funny these days, I know that God is still in control.

How do you look at your life?

There are many times when I frustrated with how my life is going. But I am getting more comfortable with the notion that my life is the way it's supposed to be. If I was supposed to have the things I get caught up looking at, I believe that the Lord would have given them to me. (It's funny that as I'm writing about my life, Live Your Life - T.I. and Rihanna comes on - MESSAGE!)

Do you pray?

Not nearly as often as I should. 

Do you have a spiritual relationship with God? 

I do. 

Describe how your faith has been easily wavered or increased over time. Give details. 

One time when my faith wavered is probably when I lost my job at ESPN and then lost my job at the City of Oakland. I felt like God shut me out of my dream or at least what I wanted. My faith continues to increase when I think about how far my father has made it, even as he struggles with his health. Many of men have died, while my father lives. You can't make me doubt my God. 

Do you call on God only when there is a crisis or do you have an ongoing relationship with God?

I do seem to call on God more when there is a crisis but I do  have an ongoing relationship with God. I feel God's presence in my life and in my heart. I should talk to God more often.

When you're in the middle of a crisis are you able to surrender to God?

I believe that I am. 

Have you faced a health crisis and if so, how were you able to work through it?

I've had a couple. The only way that I could get through it, is to trust that the Lord will bring me through. 

What gifts do you believe God has given you? 

The gift of caring. I am a very caring person. I have a good way with words, and I think I communicate pretty well. I also have the gift of devotion. Until you do me wrong, and sometimes after, I will be devoted to you through thick and thin.

How do you plan to have your gifts work to help your fellow sisters?

If you call on me, I will be there to support you. Give you words to help encourage you through your storm and sometimes not saying anything and letting you get your words out to help you with that release. 

What would you like to bring closure to? What are you most grateful for?

I would like to bring closure to those relationships that were damaging to me. Intimate relationships and friendships have beaten me up pretty bad. But those same relationships that beat me up taught me valuable lessons about other people as well as myself. I'm grateful for that and the ability to forgive.

Revelations Revealed:

Dream big, embrace your challenges, use the power of prayer...

 "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE"

 When you get to the moment of realization that you are brilliant, gorgeous, talented and absolutely unequivocally fabulous, YOU ARE AWAKE!

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #5 Standing in the Gap of Grace

More Soul revealing by yours truly...

Have you experienced being attacked at a critical point in your life?

I don't know if I can say that I've been attacked at a critical point. I know that I have been attacked different times in my life. Were they critical? Probably not. 

How did you feel during and after that experience?

I don't remember. I guess that means that it wasn't critical because I don't remember. 

Did you abandon your dream?
For some time after I left ESPN, I felt like I did abandon my dream. I felt like a failure.

What lesson did you learn about yourself?

It took some time to learn that, I wasn't a failure as a person, ESPN was a failure as an organization. The people who said they would help me, they failed. I took that personally for a long time. But eventually I have gotten better with it. Now at this point, I can say that I have the power to change lives and help mold better people. THAT is way more rewarding that "making good TV".

How much time do you spend working? Is it often during evenings, days off, weekends and holidays?

The question "how much time do you spending working?" is a very tricky one. It really depends on what you consider to be work. I'm always working on something. Doing something for church, working on this project for the Alumni, I am always doing stuff for other people. Doing things for family and friends, I don't really have much for myself, which creates a sense of resentment and me wanting to be more selfish. It's still not working. 

Who did you surround yourself with during tough times - cheerleaders or naysayers?

I don't have too many cheerleaders on my team. I'm working on recruiting some more. The naysayers in my life disguise themselves as cheerleaders but that's not who they are.

Were you able to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel? Or were you in a fog?

During most times of trouble and distress, things get very foggy for me. There have been a few times when I have been able to put my head down and get to the goal. But lately, things get really foggy for me. 

How do you think it prepared you for your next life crisis?

I don't know.

Give an example of leading under adversity.

Dealing with my father's illness, caused me to be thrown into a role of leadership. At times, my mother doesn't handle stress well, which puts the burden on me. It seems like more times than not, when my father gets sick, I am running point, regardless of what my mother believes. Having my father have to go to the hospital often means that I have to know what's going on with him and his medications. It's a challenge but it's also a task that I will pass on to one of the brothers who will have to step up in my absense. 

How can you eliminate chaos from your life?
The biggest way is to say no and to feel comfortable saying no. A lot of times I get caught up in other peoples drama (as if I don't have my own to deal with). I have to get used to and comfortable with saying no, ESPECIALLY if my sanity depends on it. 

Provide five ways in which you can seed optimism in your life.

1. Use positive thoughts and affirmations daily.
2. Surround yourself with more positive, optimistic people in your life.
3. Believe that positive energy is within you, no matter what the negative circumstance is. 
4. Look for the positives in all situations. 
5. Pray, pray, pray! And know that God wants you to succeed and will give you the tools to do so.

Revelation Revealed:

Road blocks will not deter me and fear will not prevent me from living my life in God's grace in a perfect way.

Trying to Get Better

Now that school has started at Berkeley, maybe I'll have some time to blog more. I've been thinking about doing an up and coming blog, but that is something that I would really need to committ to and I just don't have the time to do that. One thing that I do know is that blogging does relive some stress, blow off some steam. One day, I'll get better at this. Maybe I should just set aside a designated blog time once a week, maybe Wednesdays and just blog about everything and nothing at the same time. 

So it's interesting. I call myself on Technology time out - me taking some time away from my vices, Facebook and talking on the phone. One might think that I am pretenous because I have a custom text message that I am sending to people. It basically just says I'm not taking phone calls or text messages from anyone right now and that I'll holla at you in a few days. This has come along because of a couple of reasons. The most important reason is that in conjuction with having really crazy mood swings when my period comes around, one person pissed me off. I'm pretty sure he didn't do it on purpose and I'm VERY sure he doesn't even know that it's his fault. But he makes my head hurt by giving me mixed signals. So right now, I am trying to determine what I'm going to do with the signals he's sending me. It's all a little complex (or maybe not and I'm just being dramatic) but I've decided that I needed some time away from him for a little while. So why take my time out on my favorite addiction, Facebook? The only good reason that I can think of is because it gives me an opportunity to be clear. I can get on Facebook and get completely distracted (after all, isn't that what Facebook is - a GREAT, BIG distraction!?). I need to focus and be clear about a lot of the things that are going through my head and make clear deciscions. I have some big choices to make in the near future and I gotta make sure that I am comfortable and clear. 

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't turn on the TV and don't get on Facebook. So far today - I've started two grad school applications, read to my neice after her first day of school and posted on my blog at least twice. 

I've just needed to be clear with somethings and some people. I realized that a lot of the relationships that I held close to me, should have been let go and purged a long time ago. And maybe they have on the other person's end but not on my end. This is really just some good ole fashion me time with minimal contact with other people. I do have plenty of contact with the people at work but I can't really avoid that either. Even the people I work with, I am evaluating their place in my life. I am really learning not to take too many things personally. That is the big thing, not takng things personally. But that's part of who I am, so that change will not come over night. But like I said, I'm trying to get better.

Making Progress

So once again, I am starting the process of grad school applications. I am pretty excited about the possibility of going back to school. But more importantly, I need a change in the worst way. I am really ready to have my life back for me and not have to worry about other people who seem not to have the good sense that God gave them to take care of themselves. Slowly I am weening my family off of their dependence of me. It has become too much of a burden for me and I feel like my life is in neutral right now. I really need to shift gears, so I am excited and I am making progress.

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #4: The Process of Self Love

Since I finished the book, I think it'll be good for me to answer the questions at the end of each chapter. When I first started this process, I would read a chapter, then answer the questions. I got to Chapter 3 and got away from that. The good news about doing it this way is that even though some time has passed since I read the chapters (with the exception of the 2 or so I finished tonight), it will give me an opportunity to think and reflect on my answers.

What are you holding on to that you believe needs to be healed?
My heart needs to be healed. It's been traumatized by so many things and so many people. The heart never forgets. The brain may, but the heart - never.

What issues in your past are of particular concern to you? Are you comfortable sharing your past experiences with others?
One of the biggest issues of my past that I'm truly concerned about would be my relationships. I have really been through some shit in my relationships, but haven't been in a real relationship in quite some time. I am comfortable sharing my past experiences with others, especially if I've healed and/or grown from them.

Do you use drugs or alcohol? How does that impact the relationships you have with others?
I do drink alcohol. I recognize what it does to me physically and emotionally, which is why I consume it in moderation. I don't know how my drinking impacts my relationships with others. One thing is that I am notorious for drunk dialing and drunk texting. I have made some bad choices under the influence of alcohol, but I have made bad choices sober.

How comfortable are you with your body?
I would say that I'm pretty comfortable with my body. Am I honest about how my body looks? No. I am getting over how self conscious I am and getting to be more and more comfortable with my physical body.

What pattern would you need to incorporate into your life to improve your health?
I need to make the lifestyle change to incorporate working regularly. My eating habits aren't terrible (as I reach for the candy bar in my purse). My exercise habits on the other hand - not good at all. I used to be athletic, now I'm just lazy.

Describe your closest friends. Are you just like them or do you want to be like them?
This is really a tough question. Some of my closer friends, I describe as extremes of certain parts of my personality. Lately, I would say that I don't have any close friends, which has been very tough for me to do deal with. So many people that I know are in different places in their lives which can cause friction in friendships which is what I am dealing with.

How vulnerable are you to pressure from your peers?
I do pretty well resisting peer pressure, but that doesn't mean that I've never given in to it. There are more times when I have resisted it, than given into it.

How much do you rely on your friends' opinions?
I rely on my friends and their opinions a lot. Maybe that's why there's been such a strain in most of them.

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #3 Soul Survivor

Before I even get into this blog/lesson, I ran away from doing this lesson a long time ago because I was afraid to be honest with myself. That's no bueno! Lately, I've been frustrated about people not being honest with me (which is so many blogs within itself). It's not that I've been frustrated with people, I've been frustrated with friends. Friends are supposed to be there for you, thick or thin, lose or win - they're supposed to be there for you and they are supposed to be honest with you. Lately, my friends have not been that, and it made me feel a certain way. I felt disrespected and betrayed. I know that it wasn't a personal or malicious attack but I can't help but take their actions personally. But in a moment of reflection, how can I be mad at someone else for not being honest with me, when I haven't been honest with myself. THAT is no bueno but it also stops here. Today, I make an honest attempt to be honest with myself, no matter how much it hurts. Pain heals, if you let it. I acknowledge the hurt, now let's try and work through it so we can get on with the rest of our lives.



What are your most vivid memories growing up?
I have a combination of memories growing up. I remember taking Harold and David to school for show and tell shortly after they were born. I remember my mom being sick. I remember the earthquake of '89. I remember my sister shouting for me when I graduated from elementary school (and I remember being embarassed about it). I remember Jamie and Jodie living next door. I remember going to the Traffic Convention at Grand Lake theater and seeing Batman. I remember getting suspended in Jr. High for fighting a boy. I remember my Pink Panther solo. I remember Harold falling off the roof. All of these memories to me are vivid.

How were you treated as a child? Were you treated fairly?
It's very easy to say that I wasn't treated fairly as a child. I was mistreated in the sense that I was held (and continue to be) held to a different standard than my siblings, because "I'm older" or because "I'm a young lady". Is it fair? No. But it is the cards that I have been dealt.

Is there a history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse in your family?
As far as I know, there isn't a history of abuse in my family. If there is, it isn't talked about with me.

What part of your childhood would you change, given the chance?
The most important thing of my childhood that I would change would be me being supported, celebrated and encouraged more. I don't doubt that my parents did their best to raise me, but there are things that they didn't do which have carried over to my adult life. There is a void in my life that I can only attribute to things that my parents didn't do. They aren't bad parents, but they did make some mistakes that have cost me dearly.

What are your survival techniques?
I can't honestly answer this question. I do know how to go with our. I know how to pray. I make lots of sacrifices and can continue to do so if I need to.

Have you received medical attention for mental illness or stress?
Shortly after the Inauguration this year, I started seeing a therapist. There was an incident at one of our sessions which left a bad taste in my mouth and I haven't been back since March. I am going back for an appointment on Tuesday.

What is your main concern or worry about your life?
I have so many and I don't know if they outweigh each other. Right now, I'm worried about how to pay some of the bills that I have. I am worried about my health and my weight. I'm worried about the budget cuts and how it will affect me. I'm worried about what's going to happen next in my life. I am worried about a lot of things.

How do you manage your time? Do you find that you can do it efficiently? Do you procrastinate or waste time?
I am the first to say that I am HORRIBLE at time management. I procrastinate, I waste time and worst of it all, I make excuses. There are some times when I can manage projects well. But for the most part, I am bad at time management. But I do acknowledge that.

What do you consider to be quality time?
Quality time is doing something special for yourself or for someone else without any regrets on how the time is spent. Whether it's laying in bed with your lover for a few hours, sitting on the couch watching television, sleeping in on a Saturday or sitting somewhere and enjoying nature in it's purest form - quality time is enjoying personal time.

Have you been in a violent relationship? If so, explain.
I have not been in a violent relationship but I have been in an abusive relationship. It was emotionally abusive and I was being manipulated. I was also young and gulty of also being the abuser.