Miss Harvey's Blog

So Much for My Happy Ending

2011-11-26T17:36:00.001-08:00

So anyone who knows me, knows that I am a hopeful romantic. I always want the happy ending. It doesn't have to be a ride off into the sunset, but if the end result is happiness, I am all the way for it. I'm having certain feelings about things going on around my life and part of me is caught looking around waiting for my happy ending. The other part of me, is trying to keep looking straight and accomplish some of these goals on my to do list. It's hard, especially on days like today. What I'm really trying to hold onto is, the belief that this isn't what God has for me. I know that He sees the hurt and frustration that's going on in my life. My challenge is to trust Him and let Him do what I know he can do for me.

So earlier this year I had a falling out with someone who was very special to me at the time. As that was unfolding I reconnected with someone VERY special from my past. (Background: there was this guy who I had a crush back in the day. It was definitely a little school girl crush because I clearly didn't know how to act around him. Looking back I can definitely say it was borderline embarrassing. I think what's worse is that this school girl crush was tucked away in a part of my heart for so long. Sure I had been in relationships, but for some reason, this guy stayed on my mind and captured a small piece of my heart so long ago, when I say "so long ago" I mean SO LONG AGO) The beginning of the reconnection couldn't have been scripted any better. One night in February, I had some friends over to the house and I mentioned this guy's name as part of a flashback. The next morning, I see a friend request from him on Facebook (the blessing and curse of all relationships). I accepted the friend request and we began chatting, getting caught up. Now this wasn't a situation where this guy didn't know how I felt about him. I knew, he knew but nothing came of it. I was seeing someone, he was seeing someone. Time passed, we went on with our lives (but he still had a special place in my heart). So us reconnecting was very special and very important to me.

I mean I could give you play by play of how this thing unfolded but most people are only interested in the punchline of my stories. The story began in February and essentially ended today. In the beginning it was great, talking and texting all the time. We started spending some time together. The situation wasn't ideal because one we both had busy schedules which kept us from spending the kind of time together that I wanted to and he was going through somethings, yeah you know what the things are. So yeah, the situation wasn't ideal but because he was someone special to me, because I thought he was worth special consideration, I tried to work it. As it usually happens, the honeymoon phase ends and reality begins to set in. I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I'm not extremely difficult. The biggest thing that I ask for is communication. As long as we can communicate open and honestly, without an audience, I feel like we should be okay. Now I have baggage and I'm honest enough to admit it. I've been dogged out in some relationships and situations, I've had those moments when I felt like all men were dogs and that they weren't shit but how can you be a hopeful romantic if you think that men ain't shit. It doesn't work that way, In dealing with my baggage, I made it a point to not blame the next man for things that the last man did. BUT you have to own up to what you do. If someone tells you that they have certain issues, you then have to decide whether or not you want deal with them and their issues or not. I feel like you have to give someone credit who is able to really let their guard down and say I care about you enough to show you who I really am. I'm not perfect, I am definitely flawed but you mean enough to me for me and I didn't want to hide who I am from you. And I did that, not with the intention of scaring him off or forcing him to choose a role, but just letting him know where I stand so that nothing is lost in translation.

But what I realized is that even if you put things out there, things can still get lost in translation. After a while, the phone calls and the text messages weren't coming as frequently, spending time together became more and more challenging. This change in behavior became hard to understand, especially since you couldn't tell me how or why. I was asked by one of my male friends if I loved this guy and I said that I did. I was okay saying this because if I look at the definition of love (n. - an intense feeling of deep affection; v- feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)), this is exactly how I felt about him and I had felt this way about him for most of my damn life. I tried to down play my feelings but it wasn't working. I told him that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. He said he had feelings for me to, that he had love and respect for me but he wasn't there, which I understood. But even having that conversation, things started to fall apart. The truth is, whatever this thing was or wasn't, I held on and fought a lot longer than I should have. When you accuse me of not caring about your feelings, because I express my own, that's a problem. When you don't like the way you're treated but it's a direct reflection of how you treat me, it's a problem. When you start lying and making excuses, when conversations are really arguments, it's a problem. But when you can no longer find the words to talk to someone and the only thing you can do is hang up in someone's face, HOUSTON WE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM.

There were plenty of flags that went up. There were issues that we both had and didn't really deal with. But if I can't have a conversation with you because you don't want to argue, there is never any resolution. The punchline of this long, almost seemingly pointless blog, my feelings are hurt, my heart is heavy. Someone that I wanted for so long, clearly didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him. Despite me doing things outside of my comfort zone, it wasn't enough. The feelings are gone, clearly the respect and friendship are gone and it really makes me sad. I was hoping for a happy ending with this one. So much for that. I cried about it, partially because that's what I do. But I really have to hold on to the promise that God has something better for me. One song that keep hearing in my head is Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending (http://youtu.be/s8QYxmpuyxg), fighting back the tears. I don't know if anything that we had between us can be salvaged or even if we want to. That hurts too...I've cried way more than I thought I would but I guess that's what you do when you cram half a lifetime's worth of feelings into a few months. I'll do my thing, I'll heal and move on. There are a lot of other things that I want to say but I think I did what I needed to and got some things off my chest. Time to start the healing and moving on process.

You Know What My Problem Is?

2011-08-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

Besides the fact that the title is grammatically incorrect, it also implies that there is only one. In the words of Jay-Z, "I got 99 problems..." But if I had to choose one or at least one in the top ten, I'd say my problem is that I believe in the happily ever after and want it so bad it probably makes me crazy. A couple of weeks ago, I started a blog asking if I was the last of a dying breed. One of the ones who wants to get married, have children and have their own happily ever after. I believe in soul mates, I believe good men (and women) still exist, I believe in and respect the sanctity of marriage, I believe those bullshit love songs and those sappy ass chick flicks. I believe in it all. I know that my love story won't end like The Thomas Crown Affair, The American President, The Best Man or The Brothers (although Best Man and Brothers are much more realistic than the first two). I know that Johnny Castle isn't going to pull me out of the corner, put me center stage and dance with me in front of everyone (although I'd really like that to happen at my wedding reception, le sigh, I digress). But if I know all of this, why do I still want it? Who knows.

Another blog I started was going to talk about how I'm always looking around at other people's relationships, admiring them, secretly wanting them. Now, I know I can't judge a book by its cover. Just because people look happy or they say they're happy doesn't mean that they are. And just because someone else has it doesn't mean that you're supposed to have it. It was reported recently in the news that Will and Jada were separating. That almost bought the world to a screeching halt (literally since there were earthquakes on both the East and West Coast the same day). It's interesting that in the news, you always hear about celebrity couples breaking up. I really root for Will and Jada because they are a successful black couple who have stayed together for years. What goes on in their relationship is not for me to judge. But I am inspired but what they portray through my eyes; beautiful, strong, black love. Now there are skeptics who say that Will and Jada do their own thing. Again, that's their business. But if you're looking to the media for relationship inspiration, you are clearly looking in the wrong place.

About two weeks ago, I was in the choir stand at church listening to the children's choir sing. And because I'm facing the congregation, I can see EVERYONE's facial expressions and body language. (I really believe that I might have Adult ADD, I should have been able to finish this blog by now if I wasn't so damn it distracted). While sitting in the choir stand, I noticed a lot of young, beautiful black couples who were so proud to see their children singing in front of the congregation. There are a lot of couples in my church, young, seasoned, non-traditional. They all have one thing in common, they're in the church. Again, I'm not saying that things in their lives are perfect but this might be a better place for me to look for my relationship inspiration than TMZ, Access Hollywood or E!

(Another problem I might have is these social networks. They make it easy for me to see EVERYTHING. And it seems like people are posting their happiness, damn it I want happiness! Maybe that should be motivation for me to get off of social networking sites for a while).

Let me be clear, while I love seeing strong, healthy, black love, that doesn't mean that's the only love I'm open to. I consider myself pretty open to love no matter what it "looks" like. Having preferences, is different from being close minded. I think I'm pretty open and my taste in men would show that. And I'm not saying that everything is perfect as long as you go to church. Not saying that either. But I what I'm saying to myself is that I need to stop looking around at what everyone else "has". Let's be honest. People will lie/misrepresent what they have to make themselves feel better and/or to make other people jealous. I don't think that the people that I'm "looking" at are purposely saying "let me make her jealous". Recently I found myself telling myself to stop looking around and to face forward. I'm trying hard to focus on doing that but it's been a tremendous challenge.

*pause - social networking strikes again. On Twitter, Essence Magazine posted a link about Will and Jada. I proceeded to click on it, read the article. Then there was another link about the 40 black couples we love. After clicking through that slide show, I realize a few things; 1) Essence needs to update that slide show since some of the couple have broken up. 2) Essence did some reaching because some of those couples I didn't even know who they were and 3) They weren't black couples, they were couples that had a black person in it. When I think of black couples, I think of two black people. Is it just me?*

So the answer to this question, you know what my problem is...nope I don't really know either. Wanting a happy healthy, happily ever after isn't a problem. I'm not taking the Kim Kardashian approach to getting it either. If I had to identify my "problem", it would that I'm not patient enough. And because of my impatience, I get distracted looking around at everyone else. I just need to work on my patience and know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Easier said than done, right? But eh, at least I know what my problem is (or at least that one).

The Power of a Quotable Magnet

2011-07-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that's in you.~ Christian D. Larson

I wish I could say that this was an original piece but it touched me too deeply not to share it with someone else. This magnet is now hanging at my desk, near the Serenity Prayer, my mediation on Prayer and Patience and my meditation on Letting go. Nothing really happens on accident these days. They always happen the way the are supposed to.

Thankful for the Pain

2011-07-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

As I begin type this, I have tears in my eyes, pain and hurt in my heart. But I thank God for the pain. I thank God for the tears that fill up my eyes and stream down my face. I'm thankful for the tears because I know that they will eventually stop. Tears aren't a sign of weakness, they are actually a sign of strength, an opportunity for cleansing, a healthy release. God sees by tears and will dry them. I thank God for the pain and hurt in my heart. I'm thankful for this because I know that it's temporary. To heal from hurt isn't to hurt, but to love. I know my heart and I know that despite the pain and hurt I feel in my heart, I know that my heart is capable, able and deserving of love. I know this because there is still love in my heart. God knows my heart and won't let pain or hurt dwell there too long. My heart like my tears are strong and like Leona Lewis says, "it'll all get better in time". This time and that time, I'm thankful. I'm thankful. I am thankful.

Hump Day Gratefulness (Feb. 2)

2011-02-03T12:26:00.000-08:00

So yesterday (2/1) I didn’t really get a chance to blog because the internet is down at my house and there was a lot to be grateful and thankful for yesterday. I just hope that my memory doesn’t betray me. Anyway, on to Hump Day (Feb. 2) Gratefulness.

Today, I’m grateful that I was able to give some money to some students today. It wasn’t much but I know what it’s like to be a student and not have any money. Even though they work in my office and will get paid next week, I was happy to put some money in their hands. $5 is big money to a student and if it isn’t, the gesture certainly is.
Today, I’m thankful for Bible Study and this morning’s meditation reading. God is working on me and I am excited for what’s to come. There’s a part of me that just wants to see the finished product, but I have to go through the process, just like everything else.
Today, I’m grateful for knowledge. I never claim to be the smartest but I do want to be around people who can help me to work smarter and not always harder. My good friend Richard, essentially got me to use my Blackberry as a Flash drive. I don’t always agree with everything that he says and that’s totally okay in friendships. You can totally agree to disagree. But sometimes, in relationships and friendships, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear. The challenge is receiving the message for what it is and not killing the messenger. If there’s some truth to it, take THAT and run with it. You don’t necessarily have to hold on to how the message was delivered. I’ve gotten distracted which means I really need to blog about my feelings on friendship. The point I think I was trying to make was that is that despite some of the things that Richard said that I may or may not have agreed with, I did learn something from him today and THAT is important.
Today, I’m thankful that I didn’t have a technology fail. I thought I was going to have to go to the Sprint store because my phone locked up during the reboot process last night. Worried that I would completely oversleep, I actually woke up at 6am. No cell phone alarm and no iPod backup, which is actually a little discouraging. I guess I’m actually more thankful that I did have a technology fail and that I am able to function without some of the technology that I have grown so accustomed to. Maybe one day, I’ll do a technology free week. I’ll use my house phone to contact people, won’t use my laptop, write handwritten letters, you know things like that. We’ll see.
Today, I’m grateful for one more day that I’m not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. For some reason my dad was worried about things that had nothing to do with him. I wish him a good recovery. There is only so much of this I can truly understand. It’s challenging and demanding on a lot of people. I understand things from my mom’s perspective to an extent but it’s still very challenging. One day soon, there will be a break in the action. It would be nice for my dad to be home to watch the Super Bowl. We’ll see….

That’s all I really have for tonight (and I was able to finish this blog before midnight). Thank you Lord, I love you.

Something A Little Different

2011-02-01T00:46:00.000-08:00

Instead of doing my five thankful things for tonight, I was going to do a top five for the month of January. But then I kinda talked myself out of it, for the moment. So instead, I'll talk about my five grateful moments for January 31st and will probably blog twice tomorrow, one on my recap for January and one for the beginning of February. With that said, here's today's list:

Today, I am grateful for the energy of Berkeley students. While some of them are effing nuts, have a sense of entitlement or a combination of both and more, some of them are really inspiring and down to Berkeley, almost like normal people. LOL
Today, I'm grateful for bath time. When I got home from work today, I promptly got undressed, turned my iPod on (a little too loud) and ran a nice hot bath. And it felt soooooooooooooooo good. A glass of wine would have been nice, but it wasn't necessary.
Today, I'm thankful for payday. To see all of my paycheck today was a good feeling. I really hate that I get paid once a month but I was really thankful that I got to see all my money, if only for a little while in my account.
Today, I am grateful for God's grace. There are so many things that God's grace has done for me, I can't even keep track, I can't count and I don't try. I just say thank you.
Today, I'm thankful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/DMS. Today, my mommy (yes I said mommy), gave me a little bit of change which I put into my gas tank and she gave me two pieces of fruit. I helped my daddy (yes, daddy) with some stuff early this AM and talked to him on my way home. He wasn't too happy but I know that talking to him brightens his day a little. Don't know when I'll be able to see him because, I got a couple of things going on during the week. I still try to talk to him everyday. I try to do my part on both sides.

Thanks God. You don't have to but You do and I'm grateful and thankful #thatisall

Sunday's Grateful Moments

2011-01-31T00:26:00.000-08:00

I kinda live for weekends, even though I feel like I don't do enough on weekends. A perfect weekend for me would be a weekend where I could just decompress from everyone. Brandelyn once told me about how powerful it was for her to unplug from everything. I'm going to try that soon. Anyway on to Sunday's grateful moments.

It's been a week since I sent the email (I guess at some point in time I will have to address the email situation in a blog) and it's been hard. I do miss my friend but I am grateful for forgiveness. See, when I sent the email, which was sent from a place of anger and hurt, I meant everything I said in the email, especially the part that I forgive. I believe I'm getting to a place where I don't hold on to anger too long because it's not really worth it. Besides, true friends shouldn't be angry at each other for long periods of time. I'm not saying true friends don't get any at each other and don't hurt each other, but what I am saying is that TRUE friendship heals anger and hurt, through forgiveness.
Today, I'm thankful for friendship. Since I sent the email, it's really been an issue about what friendship really looks like to me. (I guess that's another blog I have to get on as well). Last night, during Ladies Night at Mi Casa Lounge, I told Patrice that we were going to a comedy show tonight to support Chris, a friend of mine from the old school. She was totally cool with it. Tonight, we went to a newer Oakland venue to support my old school homie. It was a good time, a bit much for a Sunday night but we had fun. I love that I have Patrice not only supporting me but also telling me when I'm wrong. To me, friendship is about holding friends accountable, through the good and bad.
Today, I'm grateful for silence. Sometimes, it's not about what you say but it's about what you don't say and how you act in light of what you don't say. As someone who feels, a lot of the time that they have to have the last word in conversations (read: arguments), sometimes the most powerful thing, is the thing you don't say. Do I regret not telling him how I feel? Yeah kinda but I'm not necessarily talking about that kind of silence. There is a powerful silence that happens when you don't say anything and you let things happen.
Today, I'm thankful for laughter and not taking things (or myself) too seriously. I generally don't like stand up comedy. Part of that might have to be the things that I like or find funny aren't generally appealing to everyone. As Patrice and I were driving back to my house, I was telling her about a conversation that I had with someone who suggested that I get into stand up comedy. I joked about how all my jokes would be about Star Wars and Baseball, because those are some of the things that I like. But tonight, while we were at Chris' show, one of the comedians decided to pick on me a little bit, which was fine. I didn't look or say anything too crazy and I kinda just laughed it off. If I was feeling myself, I would have wanted to talk all types of crazy to him but I realized, it wasn't that serious. This man makes his living telling jokes. If he wants to tell a couple of jokes at your expense, as long as he's not insulting or disrespectful, laugh a little and wait until he gets off the stage. What's the worse that could happen? Your friends crack jokes on you for a little while...big deal. In my case tonight, I came away with a new nickname (I'm sure it won't stick too long: Sugar Shoulders). Hahaha, it's all good. Like I said, I don't take myself too seriously so I'm good.
Today is one more day that I'm grateful to not be a member of the DDS and/or DMS. Again nothing major happening. Just another moment of appreciation.

When I post this blog, it will be the last Monday in January. I feel like so much time is going past me and I feel like I have so much going on. Let me take some steps to get closer to more inner peace and some of my other goals on my 2011 Vision/Inspiration Board.

Father, I thank you for another opportunity and another little bit of your grace and mercy. #thatisall

Saturday's Thankful List

2011-01-30T03:18:00.000-08:00

Here's Saturday's (1-30-11) list:

Today, I'm thankful for laughter. Laughter makes the world go 'round. Laughter and truth.
Today, I'm thankful for girl talk. Tonight we had girl talk at the house for a long time. I'm thankful for the lounge nights at Mi Casa Lounge.
Today, I'm grateful for grace. God protects me from so much time and time again.
Today, I'm grateful for the weekend and what the weekend means. To me, the weekend means, no schedules, nap times and doing what the hell I want to, when I want to.
Today's another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. Today wasn't over the top with either one of them in one way or the other. Some times, no news is good news.

Thank you Lord for another chance and hopefully another opportunity to try and get it right. #thatisall

Friday's Grateful Moments

2011-01-29T01:02:00.000-08:00

Besides the fact that today is (was) Friday, here's what I am grateful for:

Today, I am grateful that I'll be getting a little bit more money in my paycheck starting Tuesday (today was just a preview).
Today, I am grateful that even though I overslept, I was able to be on time for today's meeting/discussion. It was at this discussion that I found out there will not be any layoffs in my department. I am grateful for some job stability.
Today, I reflected on the 25th anniversary of the Challenger tragedy. Although, that one event changed my career path (at 6), I am thankful to remember such a historic but horrific event.
Today, I'm thankful that I got my highest score in Bejeweled Blitz (yeah it's the little things).
Today, I'm thankful that I was able to walk my mom through being able to turn her computer off and turn it back on (yeah it was that simple) to get it to work again and I talked to my dad, which means that I am not a member of the DDS and/or DMS.

Today was a good day. Hopefully I will get some rest this weekend. Thank you Lord for weekends, grace and mercy.

Thursday's Thankfulness (01-27-11)

2011-01-28T00:13:00.000-08:00

I'm just about completely used to this.

Today, I'm thankful for perspective and friendships. I can honestly say I know (most of the time) when I'm right and when I'm wrong and I am able to explain (read: defend) my point of view in both times.
Today, I'm thankful for a niece's love. When I get home, my niece was happy to see me. That's a good feeling.
Today, I'm thankful for music and the great memories that music can bring back. Jammin' to Master P (How You Do Dat) this AM while in the shower and then Beyonce' (Naughty Girl). Two songs, on different ends of the spectrum that made me smile this AM. Helped my day get off to a great start.
Today, I'm grateful for Jesus and his parables. Being able to make a point through telling a story is the effective way to ensure that the lesson sticks.
Today (uh huh, you know what's coming), I'm grateful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. We're getting better at communicating with each other. Now if I could only get them to communicate better with each other. That's another story.

Thank you Lord for reflection, love and friendship. They are important and I am thankful.

Humpday Thankfulness (01-26-11)

2011-01-26T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. Let's get right to it:

Today, I'm grateful that my co-worker's husband brought me lunch. He didn't have to do it but I'm grateful that he did. It wasn't healthy but it was still good.
Today, I'm thankful for technology. I was able to spend over an hour on Skype helping my niece write an essay. Even though, I was distracted by other things (Facebook) I feel good about being able to help her with an essay for college. I wasn't too preachy and I wasn't going to do it for her. I wanted her to understand what I was saying and make it stick for her.
Today, I'm thankful for truth, honesty and perspective. I have friends and family who don't hesitate to tell me when I'm right or when I am wrong. And I appreciate having my own perspective to distinguish between the two.
Today I'm grateful that I went to Bible Study tonight. I am growing and could have been growing if I just made some made more time and less excuses.
Today, like the previous days, I'm grateful to not be a member of the DDS and/or DMS. Today, I talked to my dad for a little while and let him know that I still loved him (I threw some reverse psychology on him, he was good for throwing guilt trips on me so I threw one on him). I talked to my mom about some things with my dad and then told my mom in a very loving way that she and my sister have effective communication challenges. I told her that I kinda understand it but the truth is you don't know how to talk to people. I still love you though...

Thank you Lord for all you continue to do for me and through me.

Tuesday's (01-25-11) Grateful/Thankful List

2011-01-25T22:35:00.000-08:00

The intro into today's list is kinda bland. Maybe that means that the list itself will actually worth something. If not, it doesn't make me less thankful.

Today, I'm thankful that I could make my mom laugh. We talked for a little while today and I was happy to make her laugh. Even though, she spent part of the time calling me Lisa, which isn't new.
Today, I'm grateful that I have learned from previous heartache and disappointment. I hope that I can share my lessons and not sound like I'm preaching.
Today, I'm grateful to be in my right mind. I thought I had lost it for a second. The imagination is a powerful thing and if you don't keep it in check, it can make you crazy.
Today, I'm grateful to live in California. I've been home for 6 years and when I think about where I was 6 years ago, I am grateful to be where I am. It's not perfect but I'll take not perfect over where I was before.
Today, yes, I am grateful that I am not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. I had a conversation with a co worker of mine about some drama that's been going on since her mom passed and I am thankful to not be going through that right now.

Not exciting but still thankful. Lord, thank you.

Monday's (01-24-11) Thankful List

2011-01-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that I had a major case of the Mondays today? Not even I hate all things Monday, I just couldn't get motivated to do anything. Nothing work related, nothing on my personal to do list, just nothing. I sat in a meeting for almost two hours and I think that zapped everything that I had. After that it was all down hill and the meeting ended before noon. Yikes. But despite all of that, I am grateful and here are a few reasons why:

Today, I am grateful that God has not given up on me. He's allowed me to grow in ways that I couldn't imagine. Growing up from someone who always has to have the last word, to someone who doesn't always need to argue. Speak your peace, listen and move on.
Today, I am thankful for true friends (or in some cases, true friendship moments). True friendship, I believe is one of God's greatest gifts and when you have people who will speak from their heart, honestly and truthfully, you can't really be mad at what they say, even if you don't agree.
Today, I'm thankful that I had dinner with my girl. Although it threw a wrench in my after work plans, it was good time well spent.
Today, I can say that I am grateful for the struggles that I have gone through, whether they were a result of me not listening, me not seeing, me not believing or just me being me. They all have helped shape me into the person I am. Even better they help me to help others become better versions of who they could really be. I try really hard not to say I told you so to people because I know it doesn't help the situation. I just tell my own story and hope that you can learn from it. (God is really working on me. That ties into yesterday's sermon at church. Aww snap *snap*)
Last but not least, today I'm grateful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. I think that this time with my parents, I am learning to be a lot more rational with them, being able to walk away from them when they aren't being rational and to not take their behavior personally. I'm glad I'm learning these things now versus later.

Thank you Lord, for these small moments that make a big impact in my life.

Sunday's Thankful Moments (01-23-11)

2011-01-24T00:35:00.000-08:00

It's almost been a week since I've been doing the grateful/thankful moments and I feel good about that. I just need to do better about doing it earlier so that I can do to bed at a decent hour. With that said, on with today's list.

Today, I'm grateful that I saw my niece today in church and I got an "I Love You" tweet from my oldest niece. I wish I could spend more time with both of them.
Today, I'm grateful that I have a pastor who's worried about my well being. After church today, he mentioned to me about how he thought I wouldn't make it to church because I was up late. But I was there (yes, I was running late but I got there in time to march in with the choir) in church, in place, in praise.
Today, I am thankful for the Word that I heard at church today. It gave me what I needed to do what I had to do this evening.
Today, I'm grateful for my relationship with my cousin. We talked today and it was cool. I wish I could spend more time with her too.
Today, I'm grateful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. My mom gave me some chicken wings from KFC today and I was able to watch the last half of the football game with my dad.

My life is about simple things and moments. Everything doesn't always go that way all the time but I am grateful for the simple things and simple moments. Thank you Lord for the simple things that make this not so simple person happy.

Five Things I am Grateful/Thankful for (01-22-11)

2011-01-23T03:38:00.000-08:00

Can I just say, I couldn't wait until it was time to blog. I had a helluva a day. Blog time means it's also almost bedtime which means, whatever happened the day before doesn't have any impact on the day I will have when I wake up and believe me I had a day today. I want to blog about it, you wanna hear (read) it, here it goes.

Today, I am thankful that I received a phone call from my brother today. I hadn't really talked to him in some time and for him to provide some real insight was completely amazing . I do miss him and talking to him was more helpful than he could ever realize.
Today, I am thankful for tears, because they are more cleansing than anything. They may look hideous when they fall, but their beauty is far beyond comprehension.
Today, I am truly grateful for my California living. Today it was in the mid 60s in the middle of January. While most people I know are complaining about snow, ice and whatever - we got SUNSHINE!
Today, I am grateful for friends and family who say what they need to say and listen when they need to listen but do both (in most cases) with YOUR best interests in mind. No one likes to see you sad, hurt or mad. The truth of the matter is that you don't like feeling that way anyway.
Today, like days before, I am grateful for another day that I am not a member of the DDS and/DMS. Until my dad comes home, I will say this probably everyday.
**BONUS** I am soooooooooooo grateful that a situation is being removed from my life. Definitely not what or how I wanted things to happen but I know that God's already working my situation out for me and I will trust Him to do so. He doesn't make mistakes and He gives you what you need and not what you want. And for THAT I am grateful.

Thank you Lord for keeping me safe from harm and safe from myself.

Friday's (01-21-11) Thankful/Grateful Moments

2011-01-22T03:12:00.000-08:00

Well today was a little interesting. My two co-workers who keep me entertained at work were not there today, which made for a very quiet time at work. Speaking of work, let me begin my list:

Today, I am thankful that my boss told me that all the jobs were safe in my department at work. That is a sigh of relief from OE.
Today, I am thankful that I got to talk to my sister and my niece for over an hour. I do miss my sister and my niece, even though I know my sister is nuts.
Today, I was grateful to be able to hang out with one of my home girls that I hadn't hung out with since last year (like October/November). We went to go support my godsister who did an amazing job tonight.
Today, I'm thankful that I'm not caught up in some major drama. Point. Blank. Period.
Today (just like the days before), I am grateful to not be a member of the DDS and/or DMS. I found out the someone had stage four cancer, had a tumor removed, only to have it come back two years later. That could easily be me. And I'm thankful/grateful that it's not.

Thank you Lord, for all you've done, you will do and are doing right now.

Thursday's (01-20-11) Thankful/Grateful List

2011-01-21T00:02:00.000-08:00

Today had some bumps in it. There are things that are becoming more clear as I have gotten older. And I promise I am going to really go in on what marriage should mean. But enough of that....on to today's list.

Today, I started the day completely silly. It made the day pretty interesting in a good way. Laughter is good for grown ups.
Today, I ran into someone who wants to help me do big things in the future. Don't worry boo, we'll have time to work that out.
Tonight me and Patrice went to the basketball game and were back to our usual antics. It was a little weird not being in our normal seats but I was happy to be back after the Stanford game and the Kansas debacle.
Today I cranked out 3 blogs (including this one). That's pretty impressive. And I'm actually going to do another blog for the sole purpose of exposing foolishness I see in the streets. (That might be the name, I'm still working out the name and the details. With my luck, I'm sure I'll have tons of ammo)
Today was another day that I wasn't a member of the DDS and/or the DMS. Dad called me and sounded completely unhappy but there wasn't anything that I could do about it.
***BONUS*** Today I actually applied some of what JP talked about regarding sphere of influence. THAT was very encouraging. I didn't stress over things that I had no control over. That was a pretty good thing. And it felt good too. I put this as a bonus because it relates to #5

In my best Ice Cube voice, today was a good day. Thank you Lord. I know it didn't have to be so.

May Be Debuting A New Blog

2011-01-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to my partner in crime, trying to get some buy in from her about doing another blog. When she and I go out, we almost always see some foolishness. Maybe it's where we go, maybe we attract the foolishness, either way, we seem to attract tons of foolishness in the streets. I was trying to get her in on it but then I think about it, there are some silly things that I see when I'm not with her. Working in Berkeley, I always see something just hella crazy. So I'm thinking about doing a new blog, Foolishness I see in the streets. What do ya'll think?

Wednesday's (01-19-11) Thankful/Grateful List

2011-01-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that I am really trying to make this a habit? This is one of the last things I've done for the night for 3 nights in a row! (I struggle with developing good habits so I mark this as a minor accomplishment). Here's tonight's thankful/grateful list:

I'm grateful that today was a better day. Even if I did over sleep and still get to work 20 mins after I said I would, it was a great day.
I'm grateful that I share a cubicle with a guy who makes me laugh by just being him and have a best friend who is the extreme opposite of you and you love her anyway. Imagine if you will, a young 26 year old Korean kid taking 5 singles out of his pocket and making it rain in the cubicle. If it's not funny to you, don't worry. The shit is hilarious to me. As for the BFF, she and I were talking about how frustrating it is to come home from work and you see someone in your house with their feet propped up. It's even more frustrating when they ask you what's for dinner like they haven't been sitting there doing a whole lot of nothing. My foolio BFF said that she would do like Kathy Bates in Misery and take a sledgehammer to the ankles. Now if that isn't funny to you, then maybe you shouldn't be reading my blog anyway.
I'm grateful/thankful for LW telling me to fill out the FMLA paperwork. That made it pretty easy for me to leave and go see my father who was having a moment in the middle of the day, without having to worry about anything later.
I'm grateful that I was able to get laundry done and go to bible study tonight. AND I found Old Faithful which will make it's way into this week's wardrobe either tomorrow or Friday. Bible study was nice tonight. It was refreshing to go and read the Word and feel a little bit better about some things. I'm trying to do better. Bare with me.
I'm thankful for another day that I'm not a member of the DDS and/or DMS. One of my former co-workers joined the society today. I don't know all the details but my heart does go out to him and his family. The last couple of blogs I've posted this as something on the list because I know that this can change at a moment's notice. Today I was able to go to the hospital and see my dad, have a discussion with his doctor, nurse and case worker, update my mom on the situation, go to their house, use their washer and dryer and have a conversation with my mom about Law and Order: SVU. Sometimes it's just the simple things and I am thankful for those simple things.

Thanks God. Now let me go to bed so that I can be close to on time to work tomorrow.

Five Things I Am Thankful/Grateful For (01-18-11)

2011-01-18T22:49:00.000-08:00

So I'm slipping into a bad place right now and I need to find ways to keep me from going there. With that said, here's tonight's I'm thankful/grateful list:

Today, I am thankful that Jeremy Dante' explained Tumblr to me. I know that seems real small but he was pretty genuine when he came to my desk to explain something that I asked him on Twitter. Kinda dorky but completely up my dorky alley.
Today, I am grateful to find out that tonight's episode of NCIS is already online. Oh snap *snap*
I'm grateful today that my dad's best friend asked me what was wrong and seemed really concerned that I was unhappy/sad. She didn't do anything out of the ordinary, she just cared which is what I needed.
Today was another day that I am not a member of the DDS or the DMS, for that I'm grateful.
Today we had some new faces at tonight's alumni meeting. That was a good thing.

After NCIS goes off, I'm gonna go to bed, but check to see if The Good Wife is online. If it is, I might watch that, then go to bed. Tomorrow's hump day...another day to be grateful and thankful for.

The 5 Things I'm Grateful For (01-17-11)

2011-01-17T22:32:00.000-08:00

In the midst of my frustrations, I realize that there are lots of things for me to be grateful for. As I just signed off of Facebook for the night, I'll keep this brief so that I can get to bed in a timely fashion.

The Five Things I'm Grateful/Thankful for today:

Today I woke up on this side of the living, was able and clothed in my right mind for the whole day.
Today, I got to interact with a lot of inspiring young African American teens who are on the journey for a higher education. Hopefully the ones that touched will at least apply to Howard. If not, I still gave them something to think about.
Despite getting lost and frustrated, I made it to MoAD in the city and back. My car stayed in one place which is many things to be thankful for within itself.
Today, I was productive. Even though I didn't get everything I wanted to do done, I got some things done and got them in motion.
Today was another day that I wasn't a member of the DDS or DMS. Even though I was a little frustrated that my dad's back in the hospital, the reason wasn't as serious as it could have been and for that I am grateful.

Thank you Lord for this.

My Weight

2010-12-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

For the past few years, I have really been struggling with my weight. I have gained a lot of weight in the last 3 years. The initial weight gain was stress related (in the past three years, my father has had a heart attack, suffered renal failure, had a stroke and most recently had one of his toes amputated, my mother has had a couple of breakdowns, my brothers are...nuts and then there are my own things going on in my life). But I haven't really done much to try and get the weight under control. It's almost like I am in denial. I see pictures of me and I wonder "who's that cute fat girl", only to realize that it's me. I've got to do something about this and it starts now.

I recently set a goal to lose 70lbs by May 1st. Yes, 7-0. Yes it seems like a lot of weight but I have a lot to lose. But more importantly than having a lot to lose, I have so much more to gain. And I owe it to myself, my husband (yes, I said husband - no, there isn't something that I didn't tell you), my children and grandchildren, my friends and my family to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I started tracking my weight this week. Every morning before I get in the shower, I get on the scale. When I get to work, I plop the data into a spreadsheet. On Friday, I recently added two more sheets to the document, a food tracker and a activity tracker.

So far, the weight tracker has been interesting because I think about my eating habits and how that translates to what's on the screen. So starting this week, I'm going back to planning my meals, making it a point to have breakfast, to sit down and cook dinner. I'm always amazed when I cook something and it tastes so good. But it's not like I can't cook, so I shouldn't be shocked. It's just that I don't. And when I do cook, it's either some sort of chicken, or spaghetti. But I'm about making changes now. And really ~~trying to~~ holding myself accountable. And it starts now.

I'm not going to celebrate another birthday in this fat suit. It's not about looking good in a two piece on the beach. It's about feeling good when I put on jeans, it's about not being winded when I walk up a couple of flight of stairs. It's about getting rid of this flat patch on my ass and getting some sort of figure back. It's about recognizing more than just my face in my pictures. It's about a strong healthy heart, a life free from diabetes and heart disease which has plagued my family for so long. It's about living a long life, like my grandmother and my uncles. It's about taking care of me (first and foremost) and being there for others. I don't want to check out earlier than I have to. Therefore, it's time for me to take care of me and my weight.

A Failed Justice System

2010-11-07T22:43:00.000-08:00

When I first started this post, it didn't have a title. I thought about it and I didn't just want to base this on the sentencing in the Oscar Grant trial, although it is somewhat motivated by it. For those of who you may not be aware of the Oscar Grant situation, Oscar Grant was a young man in the Bay Area who was "accidentally" killed by a transit officer who claims he was reaching for his taser and reached for his gun instead, while Grant was faced down and handcuffed on the ground. The transit officer, Johannes Mehserle, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter and was sentenced to two years in prison with time served. Without getting into too many more details about the trial, the case and it's impact on me, I do want to say that we live in a time where justice is rarely served.

Help me understand this folks: Johannes Mehserle received two years with time served for shooting an unarmed man on New Years' Eve 2009

Michael Vick, NFL Quarterback, received a 21 month prison sentence and a suspension from the NFL for DOG fighting.

Plaxico Burress, former NFL wide receiver, received a 2 year prison sentence for shooting HIMSELF.

Ben Roethlisberger, NFL Quarterback, has seen his fair share of high profile problems off the field - a near fatal motorcycle accident, and sexual assault allegations in 2008 and 2010 which led to no criminal charges being filed but a 4 game suspension from the NFL.

Now I know it's not right to just pick on celebrities and their legal troubles (luckily I didn't pick on white b list druggies) but I use these four examples to make a point. We live in a time where our justice system continues to fail us. I don't know if it's only in America, but why is it that what Michael Vick did so much more vicious than what Johannes Mehserle did? Now I am not an animal person, but I believe an animal's life can't be more precious that a human life. That may sound controversial that may not be PC, but I don't believe a man should have to serve more jail time for killing a dog than killing someone else. I'm not saying that you shouldn't value an animal's life, I just can't wrap my head around an animal's life being valued more than a human life. After Michael Vick served his time and lost millions of dollars, people are still hounding him (no pun intended) about him and the dogfighting. In my best Allen Iverson voice, "we're talking about dogs...not people, but dogs." GTFOH....

Plexiglass - that dumb ass fool deserves to be in jail for shooting himself, there's no question about that. But he "accidently" shot himself and got two years in prison - not with time served. Yes he endangered the lives of many, but this dumb ass is basically in jail for shooting himself. He may get out for "good behavior" but he's still a dumb ass...

Ben - all I can do is shake my head at him. I believe he has so much potential as an athlete but he makes some of the dumbest choices. But it also looks like even in making those choices, he gets bailed out. And that's unfortunate. I believe most people won't learn the lessons they should learn if they keep getting bailed out and told "okay just don't do it again".

So what does all this mean? I feel like the justice system, like a lot of systems in America may have an agenda against the African American male. I believe if the situation in the Oscar Grant case had been reversed, the verdict would have been different but the outcome would have been the same. I don't know what we can do to change it. What I do know is that we live in a time with a failed justice system.

First Impressions, Being Mean, Offering Advice and Good Intentions

2010-10-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

So I had a situation today. I offered someone some advice about their resume. My intention was to offer feedback. Not to be mean, not to hurt feelings but to offer constructive criticism. Apparently I was hard about it. So I did what I always do, I get another opinion or opinions. The bestie said I was a little harsh, the neighbor said not so much, the work BFF said I was on point. Now my thing is this - I know how I receive certain information. Knowing this about myself, I am very cautious about how I say things to people. I have never received criticism well, constructive or otherwise. My feedback wasn't received well. In fact, the person has not spoken to me since this AM. I sent a follow up email apologizing for my actions and saying that from now on I will keep my feedback to myself. But this started something else. Footnote: apparently I suffered from foot and mouth syndrome today. I said something to someone else that was misinterpreted. I don't know if I cleaned that up either. But at least he's speaking to me.

So I ask the receptionist at work if I was mean. She said no, but she thought that I was mean when she first started. I was a little offended but then I asked her was I mean or was it that we just didn't know each other. She said that she didn't know but we're cool now. I don't remember how I was to her when she first started but I know it wasn't my intention to be mean.

Now I know this has a lot to do about feeling and perception, as well as honesty and truth. I will apologize if I hurt your feelings but at the same time I won't feel bad about telling you the truth. Hopefully you can respect that perspective. I am not a mean person. I am not a mean spirited person. I'm too sensitive to be that. Even when cracking jokes, I try not to go too far because if it comes back on me I'm gonna get butt hurt. And it takes NOTHING for me to start crying. So I'm not going to do anything that would make them cry. My intentions most of the time are good. I don't intentionally try to hurt anyone or go out of my way to be mean. That's just not me.

But as I said before, I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood. If you don't get the reference, watch this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O0y3Rg2SnI

Analyzing My First Solo

2010-08-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

So Sunday (7/25/2010), the unthinkable happened.

Here's the back story:

As many of you may know, I am in the choir at my church. I've been singing for like 15 years, more or less. While that may shock most of you, I maintain that it's nothing to be in the choir. I am an awesome choir member, but I am also nowhere close to being a soloist. I do not have that gift and I am okay to say that. Last week at rehearsal, the choir learned a new song and our director said that anyone who wasn't at rehearsal on Friday would not be able to sing on Sunday. Okay, no big deal. I kept telling myself that I need to rehearse my music for Sunday. Well I didn't until Sunday morning. I was running tardy for the praise and worship party but made it in time to march in. We were down quite a few choir members which meant that marching in wouldn't take that long. Our count from the day was 5 sopranos, 4 Altos (including yours truly), 1 (Guest) Tenors and 2 Basses. Everything is going as scheduled. We are singing our new song and I'm thinking we're going to be done (it's not uncommon for us to do a one and done. This Sunday, however, was not a one and done Sunday). Then our director signals for our band to play one of our church favorites. Again, no big deal. Things didn't really get surreal until my director pointed at me, signaling me to sing the first solo! HUH!???? At first I felt completely picked on. Why the hell are you calling on me? What the hell is this about? This was not rehearsed nor was it previously discussed. While I'm feeling all these things (and a million others), I don't shake him off, I walk up to the mic, wondering what the hell this is going to sound like. As I'm walking to the mic, I did get a warm reception. I sang my little 6 or 8 lines and walked back to my spot in the Alto section. This was a pretty traumatizing situation for me. While I do pretty well in front of large groups, I definitely need prep time and a damn heads up. Sheesh! But I do remember feeling really picked on. But there were some good points from my First Solo. They are listed below.

Things that went well with my solo:

I did it
I didn't forget the words
It appeared to be received well
I felt okay after doing it
I realized that I wasn't singing to appease the people at my church, I was singing to praise the Lord
I didn't fall or otherwise embarrass myself.

Things that that didn't go so well with my solo:

My voice cracked because I was visibly nervous (rightfully so)

Now that I think about it, if that's all that went wrong with it, as far as I'm concerned, then my solo was really a success and I really am open to doing another. Just not on the impromptu like I did it before.

(Why did it take me so long to finish this blog...because I've been fartin' around doing a million and six other things. Shame on me...but it's done now...on to the next one!)

In This Moment

2010-06-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

I had gotten away from blogging tonight because I started farting around on FB, but then I got a text message from one of my dear friends from high school saying that she just lost her baby. I am devastated right now. I am a believer that things happen for a reason and that some time that reason isn't seen or known. Believing and being comforted in the moment are two different things. When you are confronted with the inevitable, believing is what will get you through in the long run, but you will still need to be comforted in the moment. This moment, there is nothing that I can say or do that can help her with her pain. The unexpected loss of a child, there is nothing a friend can say in the moment to comfort a grieving mother. Believing that she will see her son again doesn't change anything that she is feeling in this moment. Part of the reason why this touches me so, is because I've been there, I've seen it, I've felt it and I know that there's nothing that can be done to help in this moment. Losing a child is something I wouldn't wish on anyone no matter what they had done to me. A part of you dies when that happens and there is nothing that can be said or done to change that. Even having another baby, doesn't mean that you forget about this one. I am so sad in this moment. But I will continue to pray and believe that this moment will pass.

Putting It Into Perspective

2010-05-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

So tonight when I got home from work, I stopped by my parents' house as I normally do. I've been pissed with my mom recently about some things that she said and did as it related to my birthday. Tonight she said something and it pissed me off so bad, I was gonna come home, blog and get it off my chest. I got distracted, watched some Star Wars, got to talking to Hank on Skype, basically, just didn't get to it. I get on Facebook not too long ago to check on my home girl who went into labor today. I had been picking on her, I wanted her to have the baby on Friday (my birthday) but she went in today (mind you she came to work today!). Earlier she posted that by the time she had gotten to the hospital she was already well on her way to delivering the baby. So when I checked on her again, she had had her son (Yay!), a little over 7 and 1/2 pounds, and born with down syndrome. I texted my co worker (a different one) about the latest edition to our expanding family. As we talked on the phone, the shock kind of just sank in. My home girl who had the baby posted this on her status : So we welcomed Valentin into the world at 5:56pm. He weighed in at 7lbs 10 ounces. However, GOD decided that I am strong enough to handle a child with Down Syndrome and I accept the challenge. I love my son more than words can express and am willing to do whatever it takes to make his life as easy as possible.

That is pretty deep, that is powerful, that is love. It's also an opportunity for me to step back for a second. Think, reflect, pray and appreciate. I try not to hold grudges (I think I do pretty well in that department). I am disappointed in my mom right now, which is a tough thing to say. But my heart goes out to my co worker. Growing up in a household with a child with special needs, is a challenge and I can only imagine what it's like from a mother's perspective. I pray for patience, understanding and God's grace as she goes through this life with a new challenge and greater opportunities.

Lord, in the name of Jesus, I come before you on behalf of PC. You have presented her with a great challenge, but I know that you are a great God and that you have already worked out this situation before the challenge was even presented. Lord, be with PC, her family and friends, as we try to help her as we can. Give us what we need to minister and help her with her situation. Bless baby Valentin as he grows in this new place and he feels the love surrounding him because he was loved before he was here. Lord, be with the siblings as they will have to adjust not only to a new baby in town, but one who will need a little more care and attention than the others. Grant the parents grace, patience and strength to trust in you through this transition. It's not gonna be easy Lord, but it is doable with You leading the way. Be with them and be with us. These blessings I ask in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Humbling and Interesting Moment

2010-05-16T21:59:00.000-07:00

So earlier this week I had lunch with an old boss and it produced a humbling and interesting moment.

Here's the background to why she is an old boss.

In 2005 when I came home, I was looking for a job and came across a position in the public sector. I had the skill set to compete for the job and after being unemployed for close to six months, it was time for me to get back into the workforce, even if it was something completely different from what I spent five years studying at Howard. I was excited to take the job because it was a definite change from what I had just come from and I was inspired because I was going to be surrounded by people who looked a LOT like me. (Little did I know that working in an office with all black women would be more challenging than I could have ever imagined.) I was going to have a mentor, someone who could possibly help me get back on track after I had been knocked down. That wasn't exactly the case. The person that I was working for (at least it appeared to me) seemed to be a little intimated by me. (It surprises when people are intimidated by someone because of a piece a paper. The paper doesn't make the person, the experience makes the person.) Anyway, things between my old boss and I appeared to be going smoothly as things usually do during the honeymoon phase. I was encouraged and excited about my work as a public servant. That didn't last long. One of the challenges that I had to deal with with is not being properly trained in doing my job and not getting evaluations about my progress while I was on probation. Long story less long, I said and did somethings that I shouldn't have done and I was dismissed from my job. Three incidents within the span of a two week period will kind of do that. It appeared to me that the reaction of two of the events were powertrips. (I didn't want her job and had no intentions of trying to take it from her - I was not and am not that kind of person).

Anyway, I was dismissed from my job and was unemployed yet again. I maintained a great relationship with my immediate supervisor, who kept me in the loop about things going on in the office since my departure. Every now and again, as an act of maturity (or just an attempt to be like "ha ha bitch you can't keep me down"), I would stop by the office and say hello. I had good relationships with everyone in the office, and I wouldn't be hella disrespectful towards the person who dismissed me. One thing about my immediate supervisor, she was always saying that I was definitely needed back in the office because of the things and the skills that I brought to the office. She was my biggest fan and she hated to see me go. The two of them would have conversations regularly where she would say Camille needs to be back in the office.

Fast forward to earlier this year, the department head approached me about doing some contract work for the office. Apparently, there were some personnel problems in the department and one person wouldn't make it much longer. Damn, that sucks. Now one thing about this job, is that they pay was right! I was ballin' (especially compared to where I am now). There was consistent overtime which was a good thing. If there were two things that I missed about my old job, getting paid every other week and having my car note automatically deducted from my pay check. It was a beautiful thing. So anyway, shit's a little crazy in the office. That kinda sucks. So my biggest fan tells me that the department head is going to contact me about some work in the office. So she contacts me and I told her that we should sit down some time and discuss. I prayed about the situation and was looking for some guidance as to what do to. On one hand, there was no way that I was going to work for that chick in those circumstances and run the risk of being dismissed again. But the flip side is that, the money was great and I could do more. If there was ever a time for me to seek some guidance from the Lord this was that time. So after I didn't hear from her for a while, I just charged it to the game and just doing what I was supposed to be doing. I had gone into the office one day and she was like we still need to talk. I told her to just go ahead and call me when she had some time.

Now we're into last week. I get a phone call from my biggest fan, telling me that shit's hit the fan in the office and one person has been suspended indefinitely - creating two vacancies in the office. I get a phone call while I am in DC at my meeting on campus and a text message about talking about the work she wants done. I let her know that I am out of town and I will touch base with her when I get back to CA. So I send her a text message asking what her schedule was like and if she was about Tuesday to chat. We ended up having lunch at Kincaid's - her treat. Fancy. I got there shortly after 1 which is when I was supposed to be there and we hugged, chatted and looked at the menu. As we're getting into the meat and potatoes of the lunch, she spends HELLA time talking HELLA bad about the chick who was put on leave indefinitely. The whole time we're having lunch, she's just talking and I am taking it in. Now before I got to Kincaid's, I called my biggest fan and told her about what was getting ready to go down. She advised me to just listen to her and know that she's under hella stress. In addition to all that, I prayed which actually helped calm me before the meeting. So I'm at lunch listening to what she has to say and we get to the point that I really wanted to know about. There was a point where she just looked at me and told me that I was supposed to be right under her. She looked at me and said that to the present moment, she regretted having to dismiss me and it was the biggest mistake she ever made. Wow, really. I just smiled and nodded. She also said that I had put her in a tough position, we were at a stand still but because she was the boss - she had to win. But did you really win if you're back four years later asking for my help.

The whole thing was quite humbling, both for me and her. I'm sure it had to hurt her pride to say what she had to say. The humbling and interesting part for me was that I told my mom about the situation and the lunch and my mom took her side. At first I was hot! But then I thought about it, she was right. The rational side of me is responsible enough to admit that I was in the wrong, even though I disagree with the outcome. I don't agree but I understand. We'll see where this whole thing takes us. She has some contract work she wants me to do. I'll look at the scope and the deliverables (as well as the cost) and see what it's looking like. For now, I'll just look at things with humble eyes and keep an interesting perspective.

#thatisall

Reality TV = Desperate to Be Famous (Again). But At What Cost?

2010-05-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can’t stand reality TV. No, I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars, I’ve never seen Survivor, could care less about Bridezillas (although I have seen that one), I just can’t stand reality TV. What kind of TV shows do I watch? Well I am glad you asked – I watch House, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Law and Order, Law and Order:SVU and NCIS. I used to watch Desperate Housewives, but I had to fall back because I am so far behind. Yes, I like medical and crime dramas. I hear that Modern Family is pretty hilarious but I haven’t gotten up on in. I also like The Good Wife when I can catch it. Never been a fan of The Simpsons, but I hear Family Guy is quite hilarious! But those are the shows that I watch. I know there are most people who are like, what the hell? You don’t watch reality TV? No! I live my own reality everyday, so why would I want to come home and watch it. And most of the time my reality is cool, it sucks a little, it blows a little, it’s a little awesome, whatever.

I was on a flight from DC this past Sunday and I couldn’t really sleep so I decided to watch TV (flying Jet Blue has it’s perks!) I sat and watched VH1’s Reality TV programming – Brandy and Ray J: Family Business, What Chili Wants and Basketball Wives. There is a common thread among all three of those shows, the main characters are black. But not only are they black, they are famous people, who have fallen off the mainstream media radar who are pressed to be famous again!

While watching these shows, I couldn’t help but be embarrassed for them. These are people, who for the most part look like me and have nothing better to do than to look absolutely foolish on TV for the sake of fame. In the case of Brandy and Ray J, their show wasn’t terrible, I just don’t understand the point of it other than the fact that both of them are singers who (at least it appears on the surface) are looking to restart/revive their careers. I can’t be too mad at that. They are both too young to be so removed from the music game. But at the same time, I understand that life happens and plans change, cool I get that. But then I got to What Chili Wants. What the hell is Chili’s problem? There is nothing wrong with having some standards and kind of an ideal man that you’re looking for. But the shit she’s talkin’ about is unacceptable. First of all, her list seems like something that a 23 year old girl would be looking for. Chili will be 40 next year! C’mon son! You’re being ridiculous! A couple of things that really get me on Chili’s list is can’t eat pork, can’t smoke or drink. I can feel you on the smoking thing because I really can’t stand smoke at all. But what problem do you have with drinks and pork? Your list, your business but because of your closemindedness, you are cutting yourself off from meeting your Mr. Right. Do what you do Chili, but I can’t support that.

Then we take a look at Basketball Wives. The premise of this show disgusts me. I guess the good thing about this show is that it isn’t only “black” folks. I put black in quotes because it seems like the other ex-wives are just trying to be down with the black culture – like most people. This is a show about a bunch of ex wives, dishin’ dirt on their famous ex husbands. Really? What happened to keeping things in house? I don’t care how famous you are, everyone doesn’t need to know the details of your marriage and subsequent divorce. Didn’t we learn anything from Tiger and Elin? What the hell happened to MYODB (mindin’ your own damn business!) Plus these chicks are just out being mean and cold hearted. There is nothing educational about what they are trying to do here. All they really are trying to do is get more famous off of putting themselves and their exes on blast. Don’t ever have to make yourself look better in the eyes of most by putting others down. You don’t elevate yourself, you reduce yourself. While you may be lonely because things with the “love of your life” didn’t work out, you are living in a house that is paid for, you have more than enough food in your house for you and your kids, you never have a material want in your life again. But you want sympathy from someone because you can’t get a man? Bitch get outta here. I can’t get a man either but you know what I did. I made a blog to laugh at the funny shit that I have to go through, putting myself on blast, not stepping on someone else to make myself look better. Plus all you’re doing is confirming the stereotype about women being two faced, backstabbers who can’t be trusted. That’s not my reality, so why would I support this?

For those of you who watch the shows, I’m not mad at you and I am not judging you. I’m just saying why I can’t get down with a lot of reality shows. That’s not my reality.

#thatisall

My Sister and Her Bullshit

2010-05-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

*I apologize in advance if the title and anything else said in this blog may be offensive to someone.*

So last week, I went to DC for a meeting on campus and I stayed with my sister which I usually do when I go to DC. This was a really quick trip so I didn't have the opportunity to hang out with my friends who live in the area. I got there Thursday Morning, had a meeting on campus all day Friday, went to see my grandmother in New Jersey on Saturday and came back Sunday night. As you can see by that schedule, not a lot of time to kick it with people. Anyway, Sunday morning, I leave my grandmother's house and head back to my sister's house. I get to my sister's housing at about 11:30am and have to wait for her to get out of church. Not a big deal, whatever. *Footnote - my sister sent me on a transport mission. Rather than come with me to get the stuff herself, I have to transport back a whole bunch of extra stuff for her.* Once she gets to the house, I tell her I have to go to the bathroom so hurry and let me in the house. I was in the bathroom for maybe 5 minutes and in those 5 minutes, my sister and my niece have taken all of the stuff out of the car that I brought back for them and left my shit in the car. If you're gonna take shit out of the car, just take it all out! Why the hell would you leave that shit in the car! Who does that! Anyway, so one of the things that I brought back from New Jersey was our bags of cosmetics and goodies. I had separated the bags before I left New Jersey and if you had waiting 2 extra minutes, would could have avoided some of the foolishness. *Footnote - as part of the transport mission, my sister had me bring her back 2 party tray pizzas but I ended up paying for one of them. The good ole, "I'll give you the money when you get back". Bitch stop lyin'! Yeah we're only talking about $20 but don't get beside yourself* So anyway, I get in the living room, my sister and my niece have damn near everything spread out so that she can pick and chose what she wants! Stop fucking with shit! Damn!

Anyway, I sat down and was going through my bags and noticed that I came up on a MAC brush set! I knew I had some brushes but didn't realize that they were MAC (I am a MAC fiend). My sister was mad because everyone else's bag had MAC brushes but her's. I told her to take the ones out of her daughter's bag, since she doesn't really have any business wearing makeup let alone MAC (she's 16, but she's not taking care of her skin, which I tell her all the time). She was like whatever. So then, she called our Mom because I told her she couldn't have any brushes. Mind you my sister is a good 16 years older than me. Get your grown up on, sheesh! *Footnote - my mother was not pleased that my sister wanted to go through the bags and swap out her stuff. I feel like, don't get mad at me about something I had nothing to do with.*

One of my sister's friends decides she wants to take her out for Mother's Day. Cool. Ya'll have fun. I finished packing and getting ready to head to the airport, said my goodbyes to my niece and nephew and peaced out. While I was on the road, I noticed that I left my bottle of rum on the table so I called my niece and asked her to put it in the freezer for me since I would be back in a couple of weeks. Me being my mother's daughter, I did get a little lost on my way to the airport, but I figured it out, no big. Got to the airport, got home, completed my transport mission (I also had to take my mom, mother's day cards and gifts from my sister who didn't take care of stuff before I got there) and went to bed.

Fast forward to today (Tuesday May 11), I get an email from my sister this morning asking me about the 3 small pieces of paper (a receipt, the tag off my sweatshirt and my name tag) that I left in the living room. First of all, if it was that serious why would you send me an email? Plus the whole tone of the email was not a good look, so I just deleted it. I wasn't going to let her and whatever she had going on, get to me this morning. I have lots of work to do and I don't have mental energy for extra dumbness. So two hours later, the bootch sent me a follow up email saying, "I see you're online. Are you ignoring me?" Why yes I am ignoring you! You don't have shit better to do with your life than to harass me about THREE PIECES OF PAPER? Pick the shit up and let it go. It's not like I used 50 dishes and left them in the sink, it's THREE PIECES OF PAPER. Let that shit go! I am fairly certain that my sister will find a way to get my mother involved in this situation about THREE PIECES OF PAPER. And I will tell that lady to not get involved in petty disagreements with her two grown daughters! But because my sister is the oldest (I'm not so sure you can tell by this story), and she's spoiled (which I am sure you can tell by this story), there's going to be some words said and on my part a lot more ignoring. When I started writing this, I kept thinking, let that shit go, be on to the next...and then "On to the Next One" played on my YouTube. I love it.

#thatisall

Shakin' my Head at Cal, Shame on You!

2010-04-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

At first I was gonna title this note, "I'm so glad I went to Howard U" because the truth of the matter is that I am. There are moments where I wish that I had gone to a big(ger) school, not for the quality of education but for the quality of athletic programs. Growing up, I have always had a special place in my heart for sports. I love going to sporting events, love playing sports, love talking about sports, I love sports. Growing up in the Bay Area, I am very loyal to my Bay Area teams. I catch tons of hell for being a PROUD Oakland A's and Golden State Warriors fan. There is some confusion when I say that I am a San Francisco 49ers fan, but if you know me and/or you know the history of Bay Area football between 1982 and 1997, you understand why I am a 49ers fan. Good or bad, I love my home teams, ride or die.

I have been a member of the UC Berkeley "family" for almost 3 years and I can honestly tell you that outside of the budget BS that we're all going through and getting paid ONLY once a month, it's a great experience. It's truly amazing to me to see so many people who really love and embrace Berkeley. After all, Berkeley is the #1 public institution in the nation, so it's pretty easy to be proud of something so awesome (or at least appears awesome on the surface). So imagine my DISAPPOINTMENT when so many people who claim to love BERKELEY couldn't even come together to watch the Women's Basketball Team beat the University of Miami AT HOME, ON TV for the NIT championship. In a discussion I had with one of my co workers today about the situation. Rick made a good point talking about the planning of the NIT and I agree with that. Vince made the point that it's women's basketball and most people won't watch it anyway. Unfortunately there is also some truth to that as well.

Here's where my two points tie together. At Howard University, we are much more of an academic institution versus an athletic institution.(That could be a blog within itself) The truth of the matter is that our two biggest athletic attractions are not very good (another topic that could be a blog within itself), but people will still go to the games. I feel like I have never seen the Burr empty for a basketball game and there were times when we were not very good. There was a point in time when our team went like 3-56 over 2 years and the Burr was still packed. Our women's team at least during my time at Howard was better than our men's team but our student body supported both of them. I think the last time the football team finished above .500 might have been in 1998 but I know it was like in '96. But Greene stadium is crunk most if not all the time. We support our own. Good bad or indifferent. I know that as a swimmer I would have liked to have seen more of my friends, classmates and professors at my swim meets. But the truth of the matter is that if you don't know anything about swimming, it's a boring sport to watch. And even if you do know something about it, it can be pretty boring to watch. Much like a lot of the lesser known sports - volleyball, lacrosse, soccer, even track and field. But TRUST when I tell you, if my campus was playing host to a nationally televised, championship game, it would have been standing room only and all of the campus auxiliaries would have been there - the Band, the cheerleaders, the Ohh, La Las - er'ybody would have been there, and maybe some alumni folks tryin' to get in with them. Not because we would be so excited to be there (the chance to call home and say "Mama, Daddy - I'm finna be on TV",or even one of our teams being that good to be in a situation like that) but that is a HUGE accomplishment. That's huge for the University, it's huge for the team, it's huge for the fans. As a sports fan, there isn't much more satisfying then seeing YOUR team win a championship. As a fan, it makes you feel like you played a part in it. Part of that championship belongs to you, even though you didn't go to one practice, didn't play through an injury, didn't put in nearly as much emotion as someone actually on the team. Now if Howard and it's surrounding community would fill the Burr, you would think that Berkeley could/would do the same thing. But they didn't. And I was really disappointed in that. There were like 15 members of the band there. Really? Granted it was Easter weekend, but the students weren't on Spring Break. Granted it was on a weekend and most people who work there won't come back to campus on a NON work day (I completely understand that). BUT, for a student body that has almost 35,000 students in UNDERGRAD and an alumni base that is DEEP (according to the Alumni Association website - there are 500,000 members worldwide), ya'll can't take 2 hours out of your day and come down to Haas and support the Women's Basketball team! I know that the athletic department even made it enticing for faculty and staff to come to the games (ALL FACULTY AND STAFF TICKETS WERE $6!) and the first 200 students who showed their IDs would get in to the game for free and you guys couldn't come down and support the Women's Basketball team. Shame on you, Berkeley!

Now, I know that some people will say (and have said) "But Camille, it's the NIT. You know the Not Important Tournament or the Not Invited to the Tournament." Hell I have made some of those same statements. I went to 13 women's games this year and they went 12-1 while I was there and I think like 20-5 over all since I started going to the games. Granted, part of the reason I went to the games was to support my co workers, but the at the same, it's still a sport and I've already established that I love sports. Plus as the athletic housing coordinator, I wanna see what some of these kids look like who give me the blues or are just so sweet and awesome, I just had to see them in action. I saw a lot of growth in the team over the 13 games that I watched and the other games that I followed online. I really became a fan of Cal Women's Basketball. Lexi is vicious, but that's to be expected because Oakland only produces basketballers (and one Rickey Henderson - even though Lexi went to Tech, she still gets a pass from me). Danesha and Layshia are gonna be beasts (their game is awesome to be so young), Eliza is gonna be a defensive machine, Gennifer and Talia are double doubles waiting to happen, so much talent with the team. I can't tell it all. Plus Mooch has a pretty jumper. I think part of it is that I am envious of the women's basketball team because basketball wasn't something that I was good at and they make it look so easy. After this experience with the Women's team this year, I will think before I make anymore NIT jokes. The truth is, no team I ever played on can say they are national champions, so they're one up on me. No, the NIT is not the NCAA Tournament - but a 'ship is a 'ship. Just ask a team that doesn't have one...

But for the Berkeley Community to NOT embrace the monumental moment properly was so sad and so disappointing to me. I'm not saying that everyone should be at every single sporting event that's ever held on campus, because I know that there are some people who don't feel the same way that I do about sports and/or have no interest in sports what so ever. But look at how the Men's basketball team was celebrated after winning the Pac-10 Regular season title (it's first in 50 years) and how the Women's basketball team was celebrated after winning the WNIT Championship (first ever), the FIRST NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP ever played at Haas. In a land where they want equality and justice for all, it seems to me that it's all just talk out of the side of the neck. In a land, during a time where we know that separate is not equal, it's clear that athletics falls in line with everything else.

Now I don't want to make it sound like sports is the know all, be all. I know that we're in a recession and that people are losing jobs, homes and other things nationwide. But I think of sports as an opportunity to be a happy distraction for all the other sad things going on, break from reality.

I'm pretty sure there will be some mixed feelings on what I'm saying (or trying to say). In the end, my hope is that in the future, WE as members of the Berkeley community will do a better job of embracing and supporting our students, our student athletes and the staff members as they are pursuing something that they are passionate (and it doesn't have to be sports) about and are sharing their gifts with you. You may be surprised, seeing someone else's gifts or talents may inspire you to get in touch with your own, that you may want to share with someone. It may be the catalyst for world wide inspiration and change.

Consider the Source

2010-02-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

So there's a young man, and when I say young I mean he's not even 25 yet, who I was involved with for a little while has an interesting perspective on why he won't go to church. I've invited him to church a few times and each time he makes the joke that he can't afford the cover charge, referring to the offering. Last night as I was on my way somewhere, he started to express his feelings about the things that I've given up for Lent and the whole thing about Lent. Additionally, he mentioned how he equates church folk as being hypocritical, two faced and backstabbing. He talked about how the current church is so far from what Jesus preached and talked about, how so many bad things have been done world wide under religion, wars, slavery, etc.

Now I am not one to get in arguments about religion because I am not going to knock you for what you believe and not by place to judge you. The case of this young man is no different. While he makes valid points about some people who go to church and what they do in the church, I will not buy into his whole argument about the church as an institution and his feelings about church. And here's why: While there may be some truth to the quality of character of some people who attend church, I love my church family. We are flawed and imperfect. We have problems, scars, wounds and all types of issues. That being said, we also have each other.

Today, one of my church members got up and testified about what she's going through, she's battling cancer. But she got up and testified about her faith and what's she's going through, just truly amazing. And then to see her get up with so much strength, to see so many people rally around her and her family, praying for her strength and the strength of her family, praying for healing. It was a truly powerful moment. In case you didn't know, I am in the choir at my church. No I am not a soloist, just a choir member. On Friday night at rehearsal, we decided to bring back an old song from our old church. The words are: Clean this house on the inside, Unlock all doors each room shall be open to You This house was build for Your dwelling Reign over this house, it's for You.

God works in such amazing ways. We had no idea that Mrs. Brumfield was going to get up and give such a powerful testimony. We had rehearsed a few songs not knowing that we would only sing two. To me going to church is a lot more than the sideways talk and the foolishness. I do my best not to get involved, especially if it doesn't affect me directly. There were so many powerful things about my church and my church going experience, like today with Mrs. Brumfield and her testimony and the choir singing powerful and moving songs, outside of sickness it'll take a lot for me to stop going to church. Now I have been frustrated with certain things that are going on in some of the church like things going on in my choir with the soloists vs. the non soloists - the favorites vs. the choir members. But rather than give up on my choir, I will pray for them because I know that they are flawed just like I am. I know that they are going through things in their lives much like I am going through things in mine, but knowing that we are working together for a common goal, gives way to a little leeway.

As for the youngsta and his opinions, he can keep them. He doesn't hold much weight as far as I'm concerned. He wavers on things, he's inconsistent, he's one of those people that he talks bad about. When I think of people and some of the things that they say to me, I really have to consider the source. If I don't respect you or believe anything that you say, why would I even bother to acknowledge or listen to anything you have to say. I'm not going to get into an argument with you. You have your feelings, your opinions based on your life experiences. I can't nor would I want to take that away from you. But you should also consider what you say and who you say it to. It may be a situation where you are just wasting your breath trying to sound intelligent when you are really ignorant. Before you open your mouth to "venture an opinion" ask yourself, if you are a credible source on the matter. If so, feel free to say what you want to, but if not - shut the hell up because you really don't know what you're talking about and you're really just wasting time. Time you could spend building your credibility.

How Can I...

2010-02-19T16:56:00.000-08:00

Be happy for you when you don't even talk to me anymore?

Be mad at you for this long?

Say I want something and not work towards it?

Keep your secret that you didn't even tell me?

Love you and not myself?

Hear you and not listen to my own heart?

Continue to live like this?

Love Grey's so much?

Have so much to do and not enough time to get it done?

Play so tough and crack so hard?

Be happy for you when I know you're not in a good place?

Trust the words coming out of your mouth when I don't even trust your character?

Be of the same family with someone and not talk or like them?

Like you when you don't even talk to me and barely know that I exist?

Be great when I am afraid of my own greatness? How Can I NOT be!

I Was Just Wondering

2010-02-15T15:18:00.000-08:00

If I told you how I felt, would you embrace it and embrace me because you're feelings were the same?

If I told you that the mere thought of you brings a smile to my face and a little bit of warmth to my heart?

If I told you that the sight of you disgusts me on the inside, could you handle that?

If I told you that the bullshit you're going through is really your fault, would you blame me and get mad or would you own it and know that I was telling you the truth in love, not hate

If I told you that you need to step your game up so you can get on the next level, would you take that the right way or the wrong way

If I told you that our relationship was built on a lie, not a malicious one by one of convenience.

If I told you that I loved you, would you run away or would you stay to see what that REALLY meant.

If I asked you to let me go, so I can come back to you later, would you do it or would you just hold on to me til it was no more.

If I told you how I really felt at all time about you, about me, about us - would you run because it was too much or would you come closer because it wasn't enough.

If sex was just sex, could you handle that and that the moments in the bed stay in the bed

If I told you that the sex was only worth it because it was with you and that's why I did it anyway, not because was good but because it was you.

If I choose you or you choose me or did we choose each other

If your silence was your way of saying I can't and I won't

If it's only one sided, one way

If your wife really knew about our past and what should have been if you had tapped into your potential

Why you lied about having a girl to someone who could have cared less in the first place

If your ignorance is bliss or your curse

Why you didn't do better when you clearly could have

If this blog is about him, her, them, us or me

I was just wondering if it was just me...

Blogging From the Bath Tub (Feb. 11, 2010)

2010-02-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days have been pretty awesome. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Things happened that shouldn't be taken for granted, though. Every day that passes and I am not a member of the Parents Who Have Passed on Society is a good thing. Right now I am sitting in my bath tub with a candle lit and my iTunes playing from my computer. Calmness. Peace. Contentment. A soothing feeling that I can't describe other than saying, Jesus thank you. A nice cooked meal would top this evening off, accompanied with a glass of wine. But since I didn't cook and it's well after 8pm, I will have to "settle" for the glass of wine (oh darn). I could get used to this. Something so simple as a bath, a candle and an eclectic music mix - something so simple with so much power. Maybe this is how I kick off my I love me some me weekend. Who knows what's on tap for tomorrow (other than choir rehearsal), but for right now, I thank God for this moment right here. Peace, calm, relief all wrapped up into one. Right now, I've found my peace in my valley.

Feb. 11, 2010

2010-02-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

I have a couple of friends who have pretty awesome blogs. Not just talking about what they are talking about, but the lay out and everything. is absolutely awesome. But then I think to myself " How do you have that much time to blog about so many things and still have a full time job? Maybe you don't have as many things on your plate but I just don't have the time like that. Or I'm not managing my time well. Same same.

So Col. Mustard shot himself in the foot and as they say in the Chi "He Gon'!" I love when people take themselves out of my life. It makes it easier on me. I don't really like cutting people off but if you say or do something so contradictory to what I believe you can get gone!

James is feelin' himself. Good for him.

Dud is on his way out of town, told him to have a safe trip.

I love people and when I say that I mean that I really don't. People are absolutely amazing. Yesterday, people were completely up in arms about the John Mayer Playboy article. I thought it was interesting how people initially only posted part of his interview where he dropped the N word and talked about a few black women. In reading the whole article, I am not defending what he said. But I just don't understand the difference between him saying it in an interview (by the way that was really poor editing by the Playboy staff) and the average person saying in a conversation with their homies.

*Footnote - it's better to have too much guac and not enough chips than not enough guac and too many chips*

My department head thinks that I have bronchitis, that sucks! But that would explain this lingering cough.

I'm getting ready to head to a meeting on campus. My hope is that Anita breaks out in song.

More Randomness

2010-02-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

So I have been sitting here in peace and quiet. I had a brief textsation (conversation via text message - yeah I made that up) with a guy that I dated almost 10 years ago (DAMN has it really been that long, I guess so) who commented on my previous blog entry (don't worry, I won't put you on blast - in case you're reading today). He said that he thought that I had a lot going on. I went back and re-read my blog. Man if you think that's a lot, you haven't seen anything yet.

I am trying to adjust to life without TV. I am trying to make some decisions about certain things in my life, in an effort to budget. Far too often I get caught up trying to keep up with the Jones', but them foolios ain't worried about me so why should I be worried about them.

Tonight when I got home, I was quite distracted about whatever. I'm still not feeling 100 so my first thought was to get in the bed and get some rest. That didn't work too tough. I knew that I wasn't going to have one of my moments where I started calling people in my phone book just to talk.

*Footnote - I reallllllllllllly hate the reply all button. I wish people would stop overusing it! Damn!*

One thing that I haven't really talked about recently is my battle with depression. One thing about this blog is that it is an honest look at my life, my struggles, my victories and defeats. The average person won't put themselves on blast like I do, which can be a good and a bad thing. Some aspects of my life I need to be more open, others I should probably keep to myself. Maybe when I grow up, I'll know when to say when. I suffer from depression. Not the kind where I need drugs and I'm hella crazy (maybe I should start taking the pills - that was a joke). Around this time last year (January 2009) I started seeing a psychologist. The first thing that I told her is that I want to get well without using drugs. Over the course of our sessions, I learned things about myself, about my behaviors and about my environment which cause me stress and lead to my depression. On the depression scale, I am on the mild side of things. There is a lot in my life to be grateful and thankful for. My hope is that in time I will hold more to that than the alternative.

Tonight, I was reading a classmate from high school's blog.

*Footnote - it is inspiring to share the same space with talented people. At times I forget what I am capable of and it takes seeing someone else express themselves to know that it's okay for me to express my talents too*

In reading this classmate's blog, one blog of interest was her perspective on the statement "there are no good men out there". I read her blog, re-read mine and realized that the guys in the picture weren't totally the problem. Granted a big problem in most relationships is communication or more complexly communicating expectations and hopes. I believe James and Mr. Dud are pretty good guys. I'm pretty sure they just aren't right for me. That Col. Mustard though...he might be kinda shady. Incompatible doesn't mean universally bad - it means bad for you. You are not the standard on what is right and wrong in relationships, so if you have a bad experience with a guy, it might just be the situation - two people, two different books, not right, not wrong - just different.

So I pulled myself together and made it to work today (I was out for the last couple of days with flu like symptoms). A little goes a long way when it comes to makeup can not be any closer than the truth. I believe in the grand scheme of things I am a natural beauty. I have great skin (thanks mom and dad) and a natural smile (when I do smile). I think my personality is pretty awesome most of the time too. I think that part of my natural beauty in my slightly tomboyish innocence which also gets me in trouble. I know the importance of pulling all the stops out (hair, feet, nails - all the girly shit), I just don't embrace it regularly. That's just not me. The funny thing about that is, I have TONS of MAC makeup. Why, because I like the way it looks on other people and I do like the way it looks on me. Plus getting it at a discount helps...(pause while I take call from Richard)

*Footnote - I took a phone call from a friend of mine, read him my blog so far. He seemed to like it, except for the footnote part. He thought they should be called sidenotes. No boo, my blog, my notes. Deal with it!

Anyway, I put on some lip color, one eye shadow, liner and mascara. There were some comments like "wow, you're all made up today". I didn't think adding a little color could mean so much but apparently it does. If you know anything about MAC, you know that not only do they use WAYYYYYYYYYY more than one, they often use bright and bold. Definitely not the case for me, going into work, even if I was going to athletics. Anyhoo, the meeting was fairly productive except I could hardly talk and sounded really nasally most of the time. But I am excited to work with athletics (insert smirk here).

I talked to Dud today. We actually have some work to discuss so we will probably talk tomorrow. Nothing's going to come from it. He, like my Ninja Turtle *remember I change the names to protect me from getting my ass kicked* will most likely be admired from a far. And I am cool with that. For now, let's focus on doing me, loving me, appreciating me, spending time with me, catering to me. Everyone else who matters will still be there when I'm done.

~Good night~ with a shot of Henny!

Random Ramblings on Men/Relationships/Life

2010-02-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

When I intitally grabbed my laptop and brought it into my room, I did so because I had some things that I wanted to blog about. But I got distracted playing with my phone and what not (I got a Blackberry recently and I just put some of my iTunes on it to create some ring tones - yeah I know, don't judge me).

I have been feeling a lot of different things lately. Most of them have not been too positive: Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Pain. These are all feelings that I've had in the last week. I think of all those things that I have been feeling, disappointment and sadness stick out the most. I think for me because they go hand in hand. I have been disappointed a lot lately by guys (big shocker I know). But I honestly don't know if it's me, them, both or neither. I think it has to be looked at on a case by case basis.

For example, let's look at the case of James Bond *the names have been changed to prevent me from getting my ass kicked later on down the line* James and I have known each other for quite some time (since middle school). After we'd been hanging out/hooking up for a little bit of time, I decided to tell him something that I thought he knew, that I liked him. Well 3 weeks later, I haven't seen or talked to him since.

*Footnote - I asked my best friend why she thought that I was single. Her response was that I give too much of myself too quickly and it can be overwhelming or intimidating. She said that I was just that type of person whether it's in intimate relationships or in platonic friendships. I personally don't see it as a bad thing, but I also see where she's coming from*

Now, I didn't know that me telling you that I liked you translated to you that I was trying to marry you by my next birthday. But if that's how you took it, then there is nothing that I can do for you. We obviously have a break down in communication. But because you're a punk ass, there's nothing more I need to say to you, except kick rocks.

Then there is Col. Mustard. The situation with Col. Mustard doesn't need a whole lot of explaining. We hooked up once, we had a "situation during the session". Haven't hooked up since. One of the major reasons is that he didn't tell me that he had a chick. The problem is that the dude was talkin' about how he didn't want to get in a relationship with anyone and blah blah blah. I found out based on some investigating (and that's all I'ma say about it). Gone from 'round here!

Then there is Mr. Milk Dud. He has no clue that I even have my eyes on him and at this point, it will stay that way. Given a lot of factors, I won't put myself out there for rejection. You deal with what you got going on. We'll talk during the off season - when I'm hella busy and stressed out.

*Footnote - I just bought and am listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. I heard this song a while ago watching TV with my dad. I remembered that I liked that song a lot back in the day and decided to give iTunes $1.29 for it - good thing it was from a gift card*

If there is some truth that my life is a reflection of my house, then I understand why things are the way they are. I have never been a neat person but I've never been a slob. I've functioned for so long in what can be called chaos, I don't know what to do.

I think it's safe to say that the first two are more disappointing while the last one is fear. I often wonder what I would do if I wasn't afraid. Most times I am really happy that I have a filter and don't always shoot from the hip. But I wonder what my life would be like if I shot from the hip more often....

Disappointment

I think that the people closest to me have proven to be the biggest source of disappointment. One of my BFFs agreed to help me with a project and hasn't. I understand that she has stuff going on, but she committed to helping me with this project, she put herself out there and said that she would help. #fail!

*Footnote - one thing I have never been good at is reading people or reading the writing on the wall, never been my strong suit*

Last October I took a friend with me to a pretty big event on the East Coast. We agreed that she would contribute some to the rental car and hasn't. At this point it's really not about the money. It's about the disrespect that you have shown me by not paying me the money YOU said you would pay. Then PLEASE don't talk to me about buying anything or anything. You have changed so much because of him, I hope it's worth it.

One word that I didn't use earlier was distracted. I have been so damn distracted with so much and I just don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I really do feel like I have Adult ADD or something. I can't focus long enough to do much these days. I might really need to start writing things down. And with all the cute notepads I have it really shouldn't be too hard.

I guess the moral of this blog *SHIT I HAVE A MEETING AT HAAS TOMORROW! FUCK THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BE CUTE(R) FOR WORK TOMORROW ! SHIT!* Once again, my adult ADD has taken a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I had a good point to make. Lord knows that now I don't know what it is. Maybe if I babble a little bit more, it'll come back to me. (Truth is - that never really works out for me. Once it's lost, it's gone for good).

I hope in 2010, I can get some of the chaos that I've been functioning in together. I hope I can meet some real people who discuss real things, who use real talk and have real action in their lives.

I miss some of the people from my early 20s and even my past life. I miss when things seemed to be a lot easier.

Your husband/boyfriend has a thing for me and has had said thing for quite sometime. He's even suggested that we kick it, even though we're friends. I feel a certain way about that whole situation. I try to avoid you and your husband/boyfriend if I can.

What else can I babble about? Nothing. Let's go have a couple of spoons of ice cream, chase it with some Nyquil and water and go to bed. You've said a lot and nothing. Life is always about interpretation.

Propped Up In Purple - Random Moment

2010-02-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

Purple's my favorite color. I have a purple laptop, a purple phone and purple prescription eyeglasses.

Random Ramblings on 1/28/2010

2010-01-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

I think I have adult ADHD at times
I have classmates who are working on having their 4th baby and I still haven't had one. Is there something wrong with that picture?
Maybe confessing your feelings to someone via email isn't a good look.
I am guilty of Facebook Stalking
I wonder how long it's gonna take me to finish this post.
I had a thought when I went upstairs, but damn it it's gone!
How many times do you rub your deodorant under each arm? How much is too much?
I think I'ma stop giving out advice for free
I think she's gonna make "it". I don't want to hate but she's really pissed me off.
Why did I dream that I ran into the whole cast of NCIS when I was checking out of my hotel in Vegas and Michael Weatherly (Anthony DiNozzo) offered to pay for my room?
How do you get mad that someone didn't talk to you but when they tried you didn't have time for them?
Is it bad when your clueless boss is trying to hook you up with someone?

I think I'm done for the moment. But this maybe a reoccurring item...stay tuned.

2010 Gets It In

2010-01-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a while since I've been in the mix around these parts. But I promise, 2010 - WE GET IT IN. That is all for this post....

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #6 Spritual Awakening

2009-08-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

Describe how you have stepped out on faith.

Leaving my job at Coach, at my beginning of the economic crisis was an example of me stepping out on faith. That little bit of money I got weekly, helped make ends meet as I was getting paid monthly. I left a situation where I was comfortable and moved into a situation where I was uncomfortable but knew that I was still kept by God. Even though the money's a little funny these days, I know that God is still in control.

How do you look at your life?

There are many times when I frustrated with how my life is going. But I am getting more comfortable with the notion that my life is the way it's supposed to be. If I was supposed to have the things I get caught up looking at, I believe that the Lord would have given them to me. (It's funny that as I'm writing about my life, Live Your Life - T.I. and Rihanna comes on - MESSAGE!)

Do you pray?

Not nearly as often as I should.

Do you have a spiritual relationship with God?

I do.

Describe how your faith has been easily wavered or increased over time. Give details.

One time when my faith wavered is probably when I lost my job at ESPN and then lost my job at the City of Oakland. I felt like God shut me out of my dream or at least what I wanted. My faith continues to increase when I think about how far my father has made it, even as he struggles with his health. Many of men have died, while my father lives. You can't make me doubt my God.

Do you call on God only when there is a crisis or do you have an ongoing relationship with God?

I do seem to call on God more when there is a crisis but I do have an ongoing relationship with God. I feel God's presence in my life and in my heart. I should talk to God more often.

When you're in the middle of a crisis are you able to surrender to God?

I believe that I am.

Have you faced a health crisis and if so, how were you able to work through it?

I've had a couple. The only way that I could get through it, is to trust that the Lord will bring me through.

What gifts do you believe God has given you?

The gift of caring. I am a very caring person. I have a good way with words, and I think I communicate pretty well. I also have the gift of devotion. Until you do me wrong, and sometimes after, I will be devoted to you through thick and thin.

How do you plan to have your gifts work to help your fellow sisters?

If you call on me, I will be there to support you. Give you words to help encourage you through your storm and sometimes not saying anything and letting you get your words out to help you with that release.

What would you like to bring closure to? What are you most grateful for?

I would like to bring closure to those relationships that were damaging to me. Intimate relationships and friendships have beaten me up pretty bad. But those same relationships that beat me up taught me valuable lessons about other people as well as myself. I'm grateful for that and the ability to forgive.

Revelations Revealed:

Dream big, embrace your challenges, use the power of prayer...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE"

When you get to the moment of realization that you are brilliant, gorgeous, talented and absolutely unequivocally fabulous, YOU ARE AWAKE!

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #5 Standing in the Gap of Grace

2009-08-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

More Soul revealing by yours truly...

Have you experienced being attacked at a critical point in your life?

I don't know if I can say that I've been attacked at a critical point. I know that I have been attacked different times in my life. Were they critical? Probably not.

How did you feel during and after that experience?

I don't remember. I guess that means that it wasn't critical because I don't remember.

Did you abandon your dream?
For some time after I left ESPN, I felt like I did abandon my dream. I felt like a failure.

What lesson did you learn about yourself?

It took some time to learn that, I wasn't a failure as a person, ESPN was a failure as an organization. The people who said they would help me, they failed. I took that personally for a long time. But eventually I have gotten better with it. Now at this point, I can say that I have the power to change lives and help mold better people. THAT is way more rewarding that "making good TV".

How much time do you spend working? Is it often during evenings, days off, weekends and holidays?

The question "how much time do you spending working?" is a very tricky one. It really depends on what you consider to be work. I'm always working on something. Doing something for church, working on this project for the Alumni, I am always doing stuff for other people. Doing things for family and friends, I don't really have much for myself, which creates a sense of resentment and me wanting to be more selfish. It's still not working.

Who did you surround yourself with during tough times - cheerleaders or naysayers?

I don't have too many cheerleaders on my team. I'm working on recruiting some more. The naysayers in my life disguise themselves as cheerleaders but that's not who they are.

Were you able to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel? Or were you in a fog?

During most times of trouble and distress, things get very foggy for me. There have been a few times when I have been able to put my head down and get to the goal. But lately, things get really foggy for me.

How do you think it prepared you for your next life crisis?

I don't know.

Give an example of leading under adversity.

Dealing with my father's illness, caused me to be thrown into a role of leadership. At times, my mother doesn't handle stress well, which puts the burden on me. It seems like more times than not, when my father gets sick, I am running point, regardless of what my mother believes. Having my father have to go to the hospital often means that I have to know what's going on with him and his medications. It's a challenge but it's also a task that I will pass on to one of the brothers who will have to step up in my absense.

How can you eliminate chaos from your life?
The biggest way is to say no and to feel comfortable saying no. A lot of times I get caught up in other peoples drama (as if I don't have my own to deal with). I have to get used to and comfortable with saying no, ESPECIALLY if my sanity depends on it.

Provide five ways in which you can seed optimism in your life.

Use positive thoughts and affirmations daily.
Surround yourself with more positive, optimistic people in your life.
Believe that positive energy is within you, no matter what the negative circumstance is.
Look for the positives in all situations.
Pray, pray, pray! And know that God wants you to succeed and will give you the tools to do so.

Revelation Revealed:

Road blocks will not deter me and fear will not prevent me from living my life in God's grace in a perfect way.

Trying to Get Better

2009-08-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

Now that school has started at Berkeley, maybe I'll have some time to blog more. I've been thinking about doing an up and coming blog, but that is something that I would really need to committ to and I just don't have the time to do that. One thing that I do know is that blogging does relive some stress, blow off some steam. One day, I'll get better at this. Maybe I should just set aside a designated blog time once a week, maybe Wednesdays and just blog about everything and nothing at the same time.

So it's interesting. I call myself on Technology time out - me taking some time away from my vices, Facebook and talking on the phone. One might think that I am pretenous because I have a custom text message that I am sending to people. It basically just says I'm not taking phone calls or text messages from anyone right now and that I'll holla at you in a few days. This has come along because of a couple of reasons. The most important reason is that in conjuction with having really crazy mood swings when my period comes around, one person pissed me off. I'm pretty sure he didn't do it on purpose and I'm VERY sure he doesn't even know that it's his fault. But he makes my head hurt by giving me mixed signals. So right now, I am trying to determine what I'm going to do with the signals he's sending me. It's all a little complex (or maybe not and I'm just being dramatic) but I've decided that I needed some time away from him for a little while. So why take my time out on my favorite addiction, Facebook? The only good reason that I can think of is because it gives me an opportunity to be clear. I can get on Facebook and get completely distracted (after all, isn't that what Facebook is - a GREAT, BIG distraction!?). I need to focus and be clear about a lot of the things that are going through my head and make clear deciscions. I have some big choices to make in the near future and I gotta make sure that I am comfortable and clear.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't turn on the TV and don't get on Facebook. So far today - I've started two grad school applications, read to my neice after her first day of school and posted on my blog at least twice.

I've just needed to be clear with somethings and some people. I realized that a lot of the relationships that I held close to me, should have been let go and purged a long time ago. And maybe they have on the other person's end but not on my end. This is really just some good ole fashion me time with minimal contact with other people. I do have plenty of contact with the people at work but I can't really avoid that either. Even the people I work with, I am evaluating their place in my life. I am really learning not to take too many things personally. That is the big thing, not takng things personally. But that's part of who I am, so that change will not come over night. But like I said, I'm trying to get better.

Making Progress

2009-08-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

So once again, I am starting the process of grad school applications. I am pretty excited about the possibility of going back to school. But more importantly, I need a change in the worst way. I am really ready to have my life back for me and not have to worry about other people who seem not to have the good sense that God gave them to take care of themselves. Slowly I am weening my family off of their dependence of me. It has become too much of a burden for me and I feel like my life is in neutral right now. I really need to shift gears, so I am excited and I am making progress.

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #4: The Process of Self Love

2009-06-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

Since I finished the book, I think it'll be good for me to answer the questions at the end of each chapter. When I first started this process, I would read a chapter, then answer the questions. I got to Chapter 3 and got away from that. The good news about doing it this way is that even though some time has passed since I read the chapters (with the exception of the 2 or so I finished tonight), it will give me an opportunity to think and reflect on my answers.

What are you holding on to that you believe needs to be healed?
My heart needs to be healed. It's been traumatized by so many things and so many people. The heart never forgets. The brain may, but the heart - never.

What issues in your past are of particular concern to you? Are you comfortable sharing your past experiences with others?
One of the biggest issues of my past that I'm truly concerned about would be my relationships. I have really been through some shit in my relationships, but haven't been in a real relationship in quite some time. I am comfortable sharing my past experiences with others, especially if I've healed and/or grown from them.

Do you use drugs or alcohol? How does that impact the relationships you have with others?
I do drink alcohol. I recognize what it does to me physically and emotionally, which is why I consume it in moderation. I don't know how my drinking impacts my relationships with others. One thing is that I am notorious for drunk dialing and drunk texting. I have made some bad choices under the influence of alcohol, but I have made bad choices sober.

How comfortable are you with your body?
I would say that I'm pretty comfortable with my body. Am I honest about how my body looks? No. I am getting over how self conscious I am and getting to be more and more comfortable with my physical body.

What pattern would you need to incorporate into your life to improve your health?
I need to make the lifestyle change to incorporate working regularly. My eating habits aren't terrible (as I reach for the candy bar in my purse). My exercise habits on the other hand - not good at all. I used to be athletic, now I'm just lazy.

Describe your closest friends. Are you just like them or do you want to be like them?
This is really a tough question. Some of my closer friends, I describe as extremes of certain parts of my personality. Lately, I would say that I don't have any close friends, which has been very tough for me to do deal with. So many people that I know are in different places in their lives which can cause friction in friendships which is what I am dealing with.

How vulnerable are you to pressure from your peers?
I do pretty well resisting peer pressure, but that doesn't mean that I've never given in to it. There are more times when I have resisted it, than given into it.

How much do you rely on your friends' opinions?
I rely on my friends and their opinions a lot. Maybe that's why there's been such a strain in most of them.

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #3 Soul Survivor

2009-06-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

Before I even get into this blog/lesson, I ran away from doing this lesson a long time ago because I was afraid to be honest with myself. That's no bueno! Lately, I've been frustrated about people not being honest with me (which is so many blogs within itself). It's not that I've been frustrated with people, I've been frustrated with friends. Friends are supposed to be there for you, thick or thin, lose or win - they're supposed to be there for you and they are supposed to be honest with you. Lately, my friends have not been that, and it made me feel a certain way. I felt disrespected and betrayed. I know that it wasn't a personal or malicious attack but I can't help but take their actions personally. But in a moment of reflection, how can I be mad at someone else for not being honest with me, when I haven't been honest with myself. THAT is no bueno but it also stops here. Today, I make an honest attempt to be honest with myself, no matter how much it hurts. Pain heals, if you let it. I acknowledge the hurt, now let's try and work through it so we can get on with the rest of our lives.

What are your most vivid memories growing up?
I have a combination of memories growing up. I remember taking Harold and David to school for show and tell shortly after they were born. I remember my mom being sick. I remember the earthquake of '89. I remember my sister shouting for me when I graduated from elementary school (and I remember being embarassed about it). I remember Jamie and Jodie living next door. I remember going to the Traffic Convention at Grand Lake theater and seeing Batman. I remember getting suspended in Jr. High for fighting a boy. I remember my Pink Panther solo. I remember Harold falling off the roof. All of these memories to me are vivid.

How were you treated as a child? Were you treated fairly?
It's very easy to say that I wasn't treated fairly as a child. I was mistreated in the sense that I was held (and continue to be) held to a different standard than my siblings, because "I'm older" or because "I'm a young lady". Is it fair? No. But it is the cards that I have been dealt.

Is there a history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse in your family?
As far as I know, there isn't a history of abuse in my family. If there is, it isn't talked about with me.

What part of your childhood would you change, given the chance?
The most important thing of my childhood that I would change would be me being supported, celebrated and encouraged more. I don't doubt that my parents did their best to raise me, but there are things that they didn't do which have carried over to my adult life. There is a void in my life that I can only attribute to things that my parents didn't do. They aren't bad parents, but they did make some mistakes that have cost me dearly.

What are your survival techniques?
I can't honestly answer this question. I do know how to go with our. I know how to pray. I make lots of sacrifices and can continue to do so if I need to.

Have you received medical attention for mental illness or stress?
Shortly after the Inauguration this year, I started seeing a therapist. There was an incident at one of our sessions which left a bad taste in my mouth and I haven't been back since March. I am going back for an appointment on Tuesday.

What is your main concern or worry about your life?
I have so many and I don't know if they outweigh each other. Right now, I'm worried about how to pay some of the bills that I have. I am worried about my health and my weight. I'm worried about the budget cuts and how it will affect me. I'm worried about what's going to happen next in my life. I am worried about a lot of things.

How do you manage your time? Do you find that you can do it efficiently? Do you procrastinate or waste time?
I am the first to say that I am HORRIBLE at time management. I procrastinate, I waste time and worst of it all, I make excuses. There are some times when I can manage projects well. But for the most part, I am bad at time management. But I do acknowledge that.

What do you consider to be quality time?
Quality time is doing something special for yourself or for someone else without any regrets on how the time is spent. Whether it's laying in bed with your lover for a few hours, sitting on the couch watching television, sleeping in on a Saturday or sitting somewhere and enjoying nature in it's purest form - quality time is enjoying personal time.

Have you been in a violent relationship? If so, explain.
I have not been in a violent relationship but I have been in an abusive relationship. It was emotionally abusive and I was being manipulated. I was also young and gulty of also being the abuser.

Real Quick - I Think I Get It

2009-05-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

So you may know that my father had a heart attack some time ago and it really has taken a toll on him, emotionally and physically. It is great having him home versus having him home versus having to go visit him at the hospital or the rehab center.

Recently, my dad bought me a laptop for my 30th birthday (yay - I haven't been able to keep my hands off of it, except now - I am using his - it makes sense to us.) Today when I got home from running around, I wanted to go upstairs and relax, but my dad wanted me to hang out with him. I told him that I had some work to do, which technically I did but he just wanted to hand out. And I kinda now why. He doesn't feel like he has much more time with us, especially after what happened. While I was upstairs in my apartment, I realized that there will be more times when I can hang our by myself, but my dad's time is limited. So for now, I'll (kinda) put what I have going on, on hold to hang out with my dad. I think I get it. He just wants to hang out. Okay, Dad - we'll watch TV. I love you, Dad.

Camille Harvey....on Friday Nights

2009-05-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

It's interesting. I was putting together a quiz on Facebook (my not so secret addiction) and I put two questions on there which show a little bit about how I've changed in my "old" age. The questions talk about where you could find me on a Friday night. From 1999 to 2002, you could find me at someone's club (most likely at Republic Gardens - my FAVORITE night time spot of all time) with my drink and my two step. It was a great time. I have many, many fond memories of Republic. Just thinking about it right now brings a smile to my face, Republic was a great time out. My, my, my those were the days. The party was crackin' nothin' like the DC club scene.

Fast forward to 2005. I move back home, to the old stomping grounds. I must confess, the DC club scene is much better than the Bay Area Club scene - or at least what I've been exposed to. I don't really like going out in the City, some of the places that I liked going in Oakland either are shut down or just don't crack like they used to (or how I feel like they used to) - it's just not it. I'm sitting here thinking, trying to understand why. (that's my thing, trying to understand) I try to understand why things are so drastically different. I know that one of the reasons why thngs are so different is that I don't have the same kind of friends here at home as I did when I was in DC. But I don't know if that will change me from doing some things differently.

Instead of spending my Friday nights, drinking and dancing, I now, spend my Friday nights at choir rehearsal. And truth be told, it's a great time out. Tonight, Sweet Pea was rehearsing her solo for Sunday's service. She was in to it, the choir was in to it, Myles the drummer was into it - for a split second, I almost forgot that I was at church. Time and time again, I get to rehearsal and when we're not getting fussed at by our director, I have a great time. Even though I am not a songstress by any stretch of the imagination (I would say that I'm a better dancer than I am a singer), there is something so powerful that happens more times than not at choir rehearsal. It's better than any quick fix high that I get from the club. It is me and my service to the Lord, practicing my ministry weekly and having the Spirit move through me twice a week. It's a good feeling, and it's how I spend my Friday nights.

*Footnote - I want to be clear. Even though I spend the majority of my Friday nights at rehearsal - I still like to get my drink and my two step and I usually do if I don't have rehearsal or after rehearsal. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe, but that'll be for another blog at another time*

Camille Harvey...on Turning 30

2009-05-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

So I've been 30 for a little over a week and it feels pretty good. I got off to a rocky start but I think that I am getting the hang of this thing. I had been looking forward to 30 for quite sometime. The back end of my 20s had been tough. Losing a job (or two), almost losing my father, losing my brother to "the system", HPV, it's just been a lot.

It seemed like so many things had been going on and like I was almost spinning out of control. I just didn't know what to do. I was going to church, I had been praying, serving the Lord but things were still out of control. It just seems almost hopeless. It's almost like I wasn't joking when I said I was having a quarter life crisis. Just craziness.

I needed a change, I needed to get out of that 20s rut that I was in and I believed that turning 30 would solve it. So I tried to do everything that I could to get ready for 30. I wanted to have a party, I wanted to go on a trip - so many things that I wanted. It seems like things that you want, may not always be the things that you need. I wanted to go to Las Vegas (didn't happen), I wanted to go to Space Camp (hasn't happened yet), wanted to have a 30th birthday (hasn't happened yet) - just so many things that I wanted. But it seemed like the things that I wanted weren't what was for me and some times that's a hard pill to swallow.

So instead of doing some of the things that I "thought" I wanted to do for my birthday, I wasn't able to do. Some of that was my fault, I got caught up in some situations that I hadn't prepared for (have a plan). But there was some that disappointed me last week as I turned 30. If you know me, then you know that the ONLY day where I am hella extra is May 21. That is the only day that is for me. That day is the only one special to me. Sure other people may share my birthday, but it's still MY birthday. There were people who dropped the ball on that. Before I would have a serious problem with that. But now that I'm 30, I have another approach and another way to handle it. I will always celebrate, with or without someone. I spent the first couple of days of my life as a 30 year old big kickin' it all by myself! And I'm loving it. At first I was down, but I understand that things happen and I should do what I do anyway.

So for me turning 30 was a good turning point. I don't mind where I am right now. Things aren't ideal, but they are. I am on a good side of the living and things are good. We're going to get it! You just don't know...

A Little Inspiration

2009-05-28T18:16:00.001-07:00

Well I know it's been a while since I've blogged. I need to find one space and just blog there. I post a few blogs here, a few blogs (notes) there...nothing consistent. But since I have my new laptop (thanks Dad), I should be better at blogging. If my phone would allow me to blog on this website, I might be able to do it, but alas, it's not there yet. I'm just so happy that I got a laptop, I feel like I have a whole new world that's opened up to me. I've nagged my dad for AGES about getting me a laptop (he's the one who buys me the bigger ticket items - my computers, my TVs - I bought my car) and he came through in the clutch for my 30th birthday. I'm really happy about my laptop - it's a little heavy so I won't be taking it everywhere, especially since most of the places that I go already have computers and I have a "smartphone" which allows me some additional freedoms but having this small but big gift has given me just enough inspiration. I'm excited.

Writing

2009-01-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

It's amazing. I said that when things got better, I would write more. You know I would start a story and write and never finish it. I started writing stories as early as elementary school. I remember writing a story about a little girl (me) who ended up playing third base for the Oakland A's. What some of you may or may not know about me is that I used to play third base when I played softball and t-ball. I was pretty good at it. I was so good that I thought it was possible for me to play third base for the A's before I turned 16. Oh to be young with a dream. I had so many of them and I would write about them. It's amazing. My degree is in Journalism and I don't write nearly as much as I should. When I lived on the East Coast, I did a lot of writing. I had to. I either had a section to complete for the school paper, a story idea to submit to the plantation, a journal entry about how things weren't how I thought they would be, a shot sheet - whether it was full of errors or not...I did a lot of writing. Now, four years of being home, I don't have anything to write about. If that isn't a damn lie! Writing, is a lot like cooking for me. It is very therapeutic. I think I'm pretty good at it, and others would agree. The same who would agree that I'm good at it, would also say that I need to do it more often. I remember talking to one of my girl friends from undergrad and I asked her what I should make for dinner. She suggested that I make some fried chicken, because she remembered being a big fan of my chicken. She hadn't had any of my chicken in 6 1/2 years but she remembered it. I remember being on campus shortly after graduation and the former dean of my department asked me to sign a copy of the paper where I had written an editorial on "Super Seniors". I am pretty good at this stuff. I have to be, it comes so natural to me. Whether or not it's grammatically correct is not the issue. I try to write in a way that you can hear my voice through my words. My writings should sound like a conversation that you would have with me. I guess that's my style. And when I get over myself, you'll see. One day I'll get back at it. But until then, I'll give a shout out to my fellow Titan who writes WELL everyday, Synitta. Keep doin' what you do...you never know who's reading.

Change to Come

2009-01-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

While I am thrilled beyond words that Barack Obama is now known as President Barack Obama, I recognize that there is a lot of work to be done. I applaud President Obama. He looked at a situation and decided that there needed to be a change. It's interesting that people look to our President to change and fix all the problems of our nation. That's not going to be the case.

I have friends who went to DC for the weekend. One of them almost got into a fight with someone at a diner who was wearing an Obama jacket. One of them was beaten and robbed at gunpoint while walking to the Metro. You would believe that people in DC who were in town for the inaugural would have been on better behavior. But that would imply that they were about change. Clearly not.

What people need to realize is that the change doesn't come from President Obama, the change comes from within. President Obama is an inspiration. He is truly remarkable but it doesn't come from him. The change that you and I need doesn't come from him. It comes from within us. He saw an opportunity for change and acted on it. There are opportunities for us to change someone in our lives, in our schools, in our communities everyday. Our change has come, not in the form of our President, but in the form of ourselves. Let's work, people!

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #2 - Hold it! The Hold Back Factor

2009-01-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

I've been gone a little while...my bad. Just trying to get my thoughts together (sorta) and just been in the mix I guess trying to figure it out. I think this'll help.

What doubts do you struggle with?

I struggle with self doubt. I am an amazing woman, but I don't believe it everyday. But it's a good thing that I have faith in something other than myself.

Explain significant past hurts, misunderstandings and grudges that you feel are holding you back.

Past hurts in relationships hold me back from going to get the healthy intimate relationship, I deserve. The same thing can be said about misunderstandings. Grudges are a little different because I don't think I hold grudges. I remember but I also forgive. I can't say the same for others (those of you in Bristol or have been to Bristol). Having a reoccurring broken heart holds me back from trusting and loving. I'm getting there. I actually want to be there.

What past hurt do you believe is your greatest barrier?

Relationships. Two of the relationships that I had in undergrad have had a tremendous impact on my relationships with men. I forgive them and I believe now is a good time for me to try this REAL relationship thing. I believe I'm ready.

What is the most vulnerable part of your life?

I am very gullible and trusting. I don't guard my heart too tough. Subsequently, because of that I fall victim to having it played with and broken.

What could someone do to make you able to talk about your concerns, anger, weaknesses, pain and struggles?

Someone would really just have to ask and really listen. The problem is that people have so much going on in their lives that they don't really have time to deal with others issues all the time. There are some people who can deal with some issues, some of the time. No one can really deal with them all the time.

Who do you believe has disappointed you or told you a negative story about yourself in your lifetime?

Lots of people, close and distant, have disappointed me. Too many to name...

Is there a relationship that you believe should be mended?

There are some relationships that should be mended. Will they be mended depends on the other person. I am open and willing but it takes two.

A Heart Felt Moment

2008-12-18T09:41:00.000-08:00

There are moments when what you do for a living are a lot bigger than you. Currently I work at UC Berkeley in the Undergraduate Housing office. The students that I am responsible for assigning housing to are, the freshman and transfer student athletes, the students in the Student Health Worker Program and the students with Special Needs and Accommodations. These students have been the most challenging and the most rewarding at the same time. In some cases, they have Helicopter parents who are super involved in their students' life. In all cases, these students are fighters and have the most determination I've ever seen.

Throughout the school year, I work with students who need accommodations for everything; diabetes management, quadapalegic, chronic illness (including HIV/AIDS), learning disabilites - just everything. One student I worked with had I believe a leg length discrepancy as well as some other life challeneges. We had been working together to get everything in order because he was an incoming freshman and it was first time away from home. I had worked getting him the best housing assignment to benefit him and his condition. We got him into our dorm on the Northside of campus which seems to be a good fit for him because his classes were on that side of campus.

Long story less long, the student just came in today and gave me a gift and card of thanks and appreciation. I was so moved by this act. In the midst of dealing with finals and wrapping up his first semester, he took time out to walk to my office and drop off a nice card and gift for me. That really touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you CV, that was really sweet.

My Soul Revealed - Lesson #1: Life Support

2008-12-17T20:16:00.000-08:00

So like I said earlier this week, I'm taking some me time out for me to figure out what's going on in my life, what direction my life is going in and how to take better care of me. I'm reading Souls Revealed: A Souls of My Sisters Book of Revelations and Tools for Healing Your Life, Soul and Spirit. Each section of the book talks about different things that we as African American women do, their justifications and how these things can be incredibly dangerous for our health. At the end of each section, there are questions that you answer based on your own experiences and reflections. They are called Soul Revealing Questions. My hope is to read two chapters a night and write about them (on my blog) the following morning (if that damn thing called work doesn't get in the way...)

So chapter one - Life Support:

What are the emotional, spiritual and material needs in your life?

I'm not big on material things. For the most part, I'm pretty plain Jane. I have a few Coach bags but that was because I was working for Coach and often purchased their overpriced merchandise for 65% off. For 65% off, you'd have a few Coach bags too. Most of the "good stuff" that I've bought, I get at a discount. I buy classic items and hold on to them for a REALLY long time. I'm not big into things, maybe that's the tomb boy in me that won't leave my spirit.

Speaking of spirit and spiritual needs, since I've been back home I've been really involved in my church. That was something that I was lacking while living on the East Coast especially my life in CT. Being home, I'm quite active in my church. I sing in the choir, I'm part of the Prayer Ministry (the Prayer Posse) and unless I'm out of town, I'm in church EVERY Sunday and at rehearsal every Friday. Outside of what I do Friday and Sunday, I'm lacking in the spiritual connection department. I don't pray every day but I'm working on it, I don't read my Bible often but I'm working on it. I don't know why it's not part of my everyday life but I want it to be. There are people who have been doing it for years and years and it's second nature to them. In terms of my own spirituality, I'm relatively young, I'm still growing. I want a good, strong, solid relationship with the Lord and I am trying to be His humble servant, but it's hard with the temptations of the world make it a challenge.

My emotional needs - that's tricky. I am such an emotional person. I feel everything. I don't know how or why this is the case but I am. I need to be loved, cared for, listened to, trusted, I want to be everything that a woman is. There is so much that can be done through emotions. That's how you say what you need to say without saying anything at all. There is so much through emotion and if you understand that you can truly understand me.

Where do you go to get those needs met?

For my material needs, you can find me at the MAC store on Fourth Street. I have more MAC than the law should allow...that's another blog for another time.

My spiritual needs, I'm at church and trying to be better in prayer.

For my emotional needs, no one is really around to fill that void. I'll have moments when I want to talk to someone and I'll call three people in less than a minute. By the time I make the fourth phone call and I am on the phone, in a conversation, someone will call me back. When I tell them that I'm on the phone, they're like "damn, you just called me". When I have moments, I move quick. If you aren't available, I move on to the next person. There are times when I think that I'm ready to be in a relationship but I believe that some of the emotional challenges that I have maybe a turn off for some guys. It's not something that I hide, I'm pretty upfront about it. At the same time, I kinda understand it and am coming to grips with it. I do feel alone at times and most times feel like I don't have anyone to really reach out to. I try but most of the friendships and the relationships that I have, have reached their potential and there isn't anything that I can do about that, except take it for what it is and just let it go (read the blog).

Who provides support to you? Who can you call on in a moment of crisis?

More times than not, I feel pretty alone. There are times when I reach out to those in my community, work or church. Mostly the elders because they have more wisdom than I could ever imagine. There are some friends who have wisdom and advice, but more times than not I reach out to people, but it doesn't usually help.

Who do you look to in order to share the truth of your life?

No one really knows the TRUTH about me. Maybe because I'm in denial about my truth, maybe I'm afraid of my truth. But I've always heard keep some secrets. My complete truth - no one knows. And to me, that's fair. No one knows the complete truth about me and I don't know the complete truth about anyone.

Describe your emotional stability. Are you at your tipping point? Why?

I'm not completely emotionally stable right now. I've dealt with some trauma recently and haven't really had the time or the outlet to really deal with them. I've gotten by, but the reality is - no I'm not completely stable right now.

What does it take you to trust?

It takes so much for me to trust. I've been hurt and disappointed by so many things and so many people In addition to that hurt and disappointment, I've dealt with pain. The pain is what I associate with trust. I don't know why. Time is what it takes me to trust but at the same time, I'm not a great judge of character and that gets me in a lot of trouble.

When have you chosen a life of less?

I don't think I've chosen a life of less. I just haven tapped into my potential. I think I'm afraid of my potential.

What are you most fearful of in your life?

I'm afraid of my potential. I'm also afraid of losing those close to me but I also understand that's part of the circle of life. I'm fearful of rejection. I know that it happens but I don't like it and I'm kinda afraid of it.

Are you bitter? What are the circumstances?

I don't think so. I've been jaded at times and may be jaded still but I don't think bitter is a word to describe me. Frustrated and disappointed are better words that would describe me. Frustrated and disappointed with the state of my family, the state of my health...frustrated and disappointed with alot. But bitter, no.

How comfortable are you with yourself?

I've gotten better with it. I'm pretty accepting of myself, flaws and all while still understanding that there's room for improvement. I have my days where I don't feel beautiful or even cute, but I'm sure everyone has them. Whether or not they're going to own up to it is something else.

How do you express yourself and your needs? How can you improve?

Hmm...at times I'm passive/aggressive. Other times I'm very direct. The problem is that I don't know when to be what. The best way to improve on that is just taking more time when trying to express myself and my needs. What I want, my needs, they're important and it's okay that I take my time and make myself clear.

What values are important to you? How do you incorporate them in your life?

Monogamy is important to me (given the state of my personal life, I think it's interesting that I pick that one first). Respect and responsibility, honor and love, trust, honesty. These are values that are pretty important to me. The same things that I value are what I live by. Sometimes I fall short, but more days than not, I give it my best effort. Self expression and self awareness are important to me too.

I think there was a lot of truth to that chapter (you gotta read the book). I'm not on Life Support. I have the disease to please and I may be running a fever. But that's what this time is about, my personal, spiritual checkup. Now that I know what's going on or not going on, I can know how to deal with it and move on. (Let it go....I'm on my way)

Just Let It Go

2008-12-17T16:05:00.000-08:00

I'm an emotional person. I try not to hold grudges. I really do mean to forgive people most of the time. The problem is when I associate the bad emotions associated with the person I'm trying to forgive. That may sound like a grudge but in my mind it's not. It's only the bad feelings that hold me back. If I spent more time remembering all the feelings, both good and bad, I would be able to let go and move on.

That's what a part of this journey is about, being able to move on and let go. My friends will tel you that I need some "F*ck it in me" or that I need a mean streak. There may be some truth to that. But today...I taken a big step. I decided that there was something going on that wasn't really worth being upset about and decided not to be upset anymore. My life wasn't over, I didn't suffer any serious trauma. I just had my feelings hurt and my ego bruised. Okay, it happens. Deal with it, let it go and move on...That's where I am. Just moving on....

People Are Amazing

2008-12-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

People never cease to amaze me. What also keeps me giggling is the fickleness of men and the naivety of women. I am moved to talk about this because of something that happened today. Part of the reason I am in a funk and moved to somewhat drastic measures is because of some silly boy.

This post began on 12/15...since then there have been additional developments.

So our relationship was full of shots and sexual tension but then we fell out over a BIG misunderstanding and an even bigger assumption. We know what happens when you assume...blah blah blah. We hadn't talked in a while and part of that was because I had just about written him off...he's too flaky for me. So then recently we've been moving back to how things had been in the past but at least on my end, it was kinda fake. That's my mistake, I'll own that. I should have just kept it where it was and been done with it. That way there's no confusion about what is or isn't. So yesterday it was almost like the good ole times. Like we hadn't just fallen out two weeks before.

Insert new development here...

I get a phone call this morning asking for a favor. I told him that it wouldn't be a good look. He asked me if we're cool. I said not really. I was pretty rude to him. I was so rude that I felt the need to call him back and apologize. The call back resulted in another disagreement, two long text messages and a long email.

At this point in time, I've decided to just let it go. It's not worth fighting about, it's not worth holding anything against. No grudges, no hurt feelings...just let that $hit ride.

People are still amazing but it's about how WE deal with people which is more amazing.

A Clean Slate

2008-12-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

In October, I had the awesome opportunity to participate in our Women's Day weekend at my church. The weekend started of with a women's retreat. One of the exercises that we as a group participated in was called the "Clean Slate" exercise. It basically created and opportunity for people to say somethings that they haven't said but equally important it gave people an opportunity to hear somethings that they haven't heard. As a group, we discussed how we as women may be able to use it outside of the setting of the retreat. One young lady, who is full of life and spunk, said something very powerful. She talked about how helpful the exercise was and how it felt to get somethings off her chest. But she also talked about needing to have this conversation with herself. I totally agreed with that. I thought about it a little bit but never really gave it the attention that it needed.

Recently I had two clean slate conversations with the same person of the course of a week. The content of the conversations on my end (not saying they weren't on his end) were completely honest and 100% genuine. But I realize in the midst of all that I am going through emotionally and personally, I needed to take time out and give myself a clean slate. What better time to do it than during the holidays!?!?!?! It's kinda like New Year's Resolutions but much more genuine. It's an honest conversation with yourself (some people may call that a monologue). It's evaluation about you and what better person to give you that evaluation than yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. You understand the importance of being honest with yourself - you don't benefit anything lying to anyone ESPECIALLY yourself. So why not give yourself a clean slate - you deserve it.

So here's the way the clean slate works: It is made up of five parts; I love you for...Forgive me for...I forgive you for...Thank you for...and a blessing. I am going to put myself on 101st and Front Street and put myself on blast. I know at least one other person who reads this blog but maybe eventually people will be able to be honest with themselves and do the same thing. So *big sigh* here goes nothin'!

Camille...

I love you for your personality. You have your moments but you are certainly a good person. You aren't perfect but none of us are. You have a special touch for friendships and a lot of people rely on you for some sort of support. You have lots of solid rock moments which is part of what makes you a good friend. For the most part you are trustworthy, honest, sincere and devoted to those you love and care about. That combination is a challenge to find in people and you pull it off pretty well. I love that you are consistently striving to improve, not to perfection but to improvement. You're not afraid to take a look at something and see what you can do to change it. You find beauty in most things and in most people. I love you for your inner beauty which is so much more than your outer beauty. You want to believe that people are good and good natured. You work hard and try to make sure that all the kids who are playing in the sandbox can play together - especially if they are playing with you. You're daring and open to try new things from time to time. In short, I love you for being you.

Forgive me for not being a stronger voice of reason. There have been times when you have sought out answers from other people when the answers were right here within you. Forgive me for being weak and scared. There have been times where you have made decisions against your better judgement and paid a dear price for them. What hurts more is that you paid a price when you didn't have to. That was my time to share, my time to be there for you and I dropped the ball. I fumbled. I got caught looking when the game needed me to come through with a big hit. I disappointed you, I failed you. Forgive me for not have great follow through. You have great ideas and great potential if you could channel them. That's where I come in. You could be doing so many great things if you were able to follow through on them. Forgive me for not being the strength you needed, the motivation that you needed. Forgive me.

I forgive you for your self doubt. You second guess and doubt yourself when you don't need to. You are a child of God. He has kept you in His favor for quite some time. He has sustained you when you couldn't sustain yourself. In that sustenance, in His will, somehow you've developed this self doubt, this low self esteem. Boo boo, you need to get over it. That is nothing but the devil trying to get a hold on your life. As a believer, you've got to KNOW and BELIEVE that God's got your back. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I believe it, now it's time for you to believe it. You need to tap into your franchise player. I forgive your for your denial. There are things and situations where you have denied yourself the truth. You know what they are...the guy you started dating when you came home in '05. That on again/off again relationship you had through undergrad and the first year out of it. Those guys you like from two different spectrum. You have lied to yourself about a lot of things and denied the truth. I don't know why you've done it, I don't know what you hoped to accomplish from it, I don't even understand it. But it's not my place to understand it. That, much like your self doubt and self esteem issues, you gotta get over it. I know that it's hard but you've got to find a way to get over it and move on. The franchise player needs that money man! I forgive you for lying, not only lying to me but lying to yourself and lying to others. Those lies may be why you're in the situation that you're in. You need to own that.

I thank you for your energy. You have a special gift. You know the power of a hug, kind words, prayers and blessings for friends and family, a smile (even though you hate doing it sometimes), an innocent or not so innocent flirt with that guy that could turn into something (again) or start something new with another. You have the gift that make someone's day. You have a unique enthusiasm for the strangest things. And honestly, that's okay. It's good that you have a passion about something no matter how obscure it is. You like to see happiness and do your part to create some part of it, in and around you. I thank you for your energy. Keep it up.

Camille, I bless you in the name of Jesus. I pray that your heart and soul heal in a time frame made especially for you. I pray that you find that love that only you know about, I pray that your precious "home" welcome only those who truly deserve to reign there and grow there. I pray that the Lord continue to keep you and sustain you. I pray that He continues to give you the strength and courage to deal with all that life and death throw your way. I pray that you tap into your true beauty and let it shine because it is beautiful as you are. I pray that you learn how to deal without compromising yourself or without denying yourself. I pray that you tap into all your special gifts and talents and continue to leave your mark on the world. The world is a great place with you in and I bless you for all that you will contribute to it. These and all blessings I ask in the name of Jesus, Amen.

I'm Alright

2008-12-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

So I'm trying to get better at this whole blogging thing, as I have said times before. I'm taking a new approach to something. For a WHOLE week (or until I finish the book Souls Revealed and possibly Listening for God - it's a little ambitious for me to read two books in one week but I will give it the ole college try), I'm not talking on the phone (unless it's an emergency or business call), I'm not talking to anyone on ANY instant messenger, I'm not on Facebook or MySpace and I will limit the number of times I check my email. Why am I doing this? Because I need some serious ME time. It seems that I have time for lots of people and lots of things. During this process, I have neglected the MIP - Most Important Person - ME! Now as conceited as that may sound, let me clarify. My "sister" and dear friend recently told me that humble people have a hard time being selfish. When I asked her if she thought I was humble, she said yes. I've thought of myself as a humble person but I longed to be more selfish. I would break into tears because I wanted to be more selfish at times because I was tired and frustrated with being everyone's everything. I longed for someone to be for me what I am for so many people. It ain't happenin'. I am always giving so much of myself and getting so little in return. I recognize based on a conversation with a young man (who I am extremely attracted to) that my being selfless was my blessing. I'll own that. The flip side to that is that it is also my curse. So how do I get rid of my curse and still keep my blessing? You take a little ME time. I am taking some time to heal my heart and my soul. I know that may seem a little dramatic and it may be. There was a point in time when I was considered to be a Drama Queen. There was some truth to that in high school and in undergrad. I would like to believe that I have outgrown it but there are some that would disagree. For the disagreers I say, whatever...ya'll do what you do.

Why take this course of action? Why cut off your lifeline? I'm kind of looking at it as a Fast. People of Christian faith know what it means to fast. You abstain from it and during that period, you take the time to grow closer to God. Fasting doesn't only happen during the Lenten season. You can fast at anytime when you feel you are suffering from spiritual blackout/brownout/burnout. Anytime you feel challenged in your faith or any challenges period, take your concerns to the Lord. Let Him work it out for you. In that process, take a moment (or some time) to grow closer to Him. Understand the plan He has for your life, understand the role He has in your life. Strengthen your faith, strengthen your relationship with Him. It can only lead to better things. When you are in a great relationship with the Lord, you can have a better relationship with your soul. When you have a great relationship with the Lord and with yourself it can also help you have better relationships with other people.

That's what part of this is about for me: building better relationships with people. In order for me to build that better relationship with the next person, I need to have a great relationship with myself. This process will be very challenging for me because it will cause me to take a real, honest look at myself, accepting responsibility for my successes and failures, owning what I've done right and even those I have done wrong. It means forgiving those who have done me wrong and dirty and truly moving on with the rest of my life. I've never really been one to hold grudges, but at the same time, it is very hard for me to heal my heart. A young man (who I am also fond of), wondered why I had such a hard time with trust. It's because for me, I've been betrayed and disappointed by those I trusted and cared for. For me, that's not something that I bounce back easy from. I am an emotional person and when my emotions take control of me, it takes a while for me to get them back. I acknowledge that there is a process that we all go through when something happens. My goal is to change my process and change the way I deal with disappointment, heart break and betrayal.

I recently read the book Souls of My Sisters - really good book. I would encourage others to read it, whether you're going through something or not. It helped me with some things and I believe it'll help others.

So my plan of action for the next week, read more, write down what I'm feeling and what I'm going through as unrated, unapologetic and as untamed as it happens. No more sugar coating. Time to get really real with myself. Time to really start taking care of myself. It's time for me to BE alright instead of just saying it. And what better time than the present!

Jealousy+Envy = Good Ole Fashion Hatin'

2008-11-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I had it a little bit harder than others. It is only through struggle that you begin to see who you really are and possibly tap into your potential.

I named this blog "Jealousy+Envy = Good Ole Fashion Hatin' "for a reason.

Do you ever see people and on the surface, you want what they have? I'm not even talking about on a material level (we call that keepin' up with the Jones'). What I'm talking about is on a much more personal level.

I have been going through a lot lately. There are times when I think that I'm turning the corner and that things will be alright. Then I have some set backs. I know that nothing good comes from wanting what someone else has, whether it's material or not. But as people, or just me as a person, knowing it and actually practicing it are two different things.

Let me get to the point of where this blog was inspired from:

Today while at church, the First Lady, her two daughters and granddaughter came in. They are all such a beautiful family. What makes them beautiful isn't just their physical beauty, they have an internal beauty that transcends everything. And the love, it is almost sickening. They are truly the embodiment of what strong black love can do for a black family. Three beautiful young sisters who love each other and love the Lord more than life itself. I want that love, I want that connection. I want that.

You see, I don't have that kind of love. Not for myself, not for my family and only sometimes for the Lord. I wasn't raised with it and it doesn't come over night. It's something that I am longing for because I know that with it I'll be a better person, a more complete person. But right now, I just don't have it. And when I see someone or others who have it, I become jealous or envious which in today's times equalls some good ole fashion hatin'.

Now I know that everything that glittes isn't always gold. But that doesn't take away from me wanting that love. I want that love more than anything in the world.

Sometimes You Make Me....

2008-10-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

smile. Sometimes I want to tell you so bad because I don't know how to tell you. You say that you don't want a relationship and I respect that. We can use this time to "Do Each Other" - not in the sexual sense but in the personal sense. Doing things that we like to do, independent of each other - going to the gym, reading, going to the movies - whatever we like to do. The funny thing about this relationship is the "company line" - "It's okay". I am not going to force you into anything. Where we are right now...it's okay.

Sometimes you make my cry...and it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It's just that I didn't express to you my feelings and expectations to you and when you don't meet the unreal and unfair expectations that I have set in my mind, then I feel like I'm a failure and you're a dog. But I know that neither one of those things are true and it's truly okay.

Sometimes you make me remember what it's like to have hope for love again and I thank you for that.

The Power of Guilt

2008-10-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Original Blog Date - March 5, 2007

It's funny what happens with guilt. It eats you alive, it absolutely messes with your head and your heart. And depending on what you are guilty of, it may kill you. No I'm not wishing that on anybody because then that guilt would haunt me maybe forever. But it's just funny how people allow themselves to be consumed with whatever. Let me make it plain in case you are missing it.

There is a gentleman, who I have been super close with for almost 10 years. I would go far enough to say that he's (one of) my best friend(s). What he says about me, it may be something different. At any rate, He recently proposed to his girlfriend and they decided to get married later on this year. Now I haven't been particularly found of the way somethings have unfolded in their relationship but if that's what you've signed up for, then so be it. Even as his best friend, I am still a woman so, and in some cases, I am likely to agree with her. But at the end of the day my loyalites are ALWAYS to him. That and the fact that she doesn't like me (that's a whole nother issue for another time). In January, I called him and told him that I had a dream that I had a dream that I missed his wedding and asked him if I was invited. He said that he didn't know and that it was because she still didn't like me. Since then, he hasn't called, texted or emailed. In fact, we've had some impersonal conversations about nothing important. Now the wedding is in less than two months and I've heard nothing. I've already conceded that I'm not invited to THEIR wedding and I am ok with that. I've also conceded that for the most part our friendship as it were is over and is probably over for good. My heart and conscience are clear because I know that I've done nothing wrong. But what is going on through your head that you can't call or email your best friend in two months? Seriously? Seriously! You've made your choice, no need to feel guilty unless your @$$ knows you're wrong. That's what guilt does. It eats away at you and no matter what happens next, it'll never be the same. Not only for his relationship with me, but for his relationship with all his other female friends. I understand she'll be your wife and at the end of the day this is the choice you have to live with. But if she has that type of control before you get married it certainly won't get better after. Guilt will eat up at you.

Here's another case: a young man that I was dating more or less stopped talking to me cold turkey. Feelings for people don't change overnight. When you knew that your feelings for me were changing, you should have stepped your game up and said so. But like the YOUNG man you are, you continued hiding behind your text messages and your other forms of impersonal communication, instead of being a man, picking up the cotdamn phone and saying you didn't want to deal with me anymore. Your @$$ is just as guilty as the previously mentioned and one day (maybe even soon) your guilt will eat away at you too.

Now I know I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. But the difference between being perfect and being honest is that at the end of the day honesty will always win. I've been guilty before and I'm not above apologizing for what I've done wrong. When you're right, you're right but when you're wrong, you're wrong. But when you're so wrong you can't admit it, you have bigger issues to deal with than just being wrong.

Me a Hater? WTF!?!

2008-10-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

Another post from my MySpace Blog - the original date was march 11, 2007

I don't understand people. And I truly don't understand the need to get super stupid drunk at this age in life. If you do it on accident, that's one thing. But when you start drinking at 6:30 on Friday because it's Friday. Now I understand that people are grown and they'll do what they want to but you need to watch your tone especially when your @$$ is drunk and you're talking that bull! This past weekend I was at a local nightspot where I ran into someone I used to work with. Since leaving our previous employer our paths have crossed on more than one occassion. But with regards to him, I have a bad taste in my mouth because of something he "said about me". He claims he didn't - Whatever. So...

This weekend I was talking about how the social scene here in the Bay Area leaves a lot to be desired, especially compared to DC, which is where I started going out. Anyway, this ignorant @$$clown, who has never lived anywhere but the Bay Area, called me a hater! WTF?!?!?!? Anyone who really knows me, knows that I live, breathe and super duper rep where I'm from (Town Biz, yadadamean). Where the hell do you get off callin' me a hater, because I've lived outside of the damn box and you haven't. His Bay Area Blindness has turned him into the hater. I love the Bay Area. Between the weather and the people, what's not to love. But I have a much greater appreciation and love for the Bay Area, because I have lived outside of the Bay Area box. Furthermore I'm not so ignorant to not listen to a rational arguement about life outside of the Bay Area. Now some people would compare this to only living in the U.S. vs. living anywhere else. I don't have to live outside the U.S. to appreciate living in it. I'm sure I would have a greater appreciation of life in U.S. if I ever lived outside of the U.S. I'm not closeminded to living outside of the U.S. like Bay Area Bonehead is to living outside of the Bay Area. Now, if you've been out in the Bay Area, you know that the social scene, lacks. But if that's all you know, then hey. But you can't call me a hater because you ain't never lived and your @$$ is too closeminded to try. You are the HATER! Not me.

Last Year's Random Thoughts

2008-10-30T13:11:00.001-07:00

You may have read this on MySpace but I'm trying something different...so here goes:

It's been a while since I've written anything. Not because I haven't had anything to say but I haven't been really trippin' on upkeep for my blog. It wasn't that important. I've had so much going on, 2 jobs, my daddy, my life and it's not been so important to put my thoughts in a blog. I have noticed that for whatever reason more people are reading my blogs...don't know why but hey. Maybe now I'll have something decent to say.

So I have been addicted to Facebook. I know I shouldn't say that (especially on MySpace) but hey, it is what it is. I spend a decent amount of time taking the movie quizes on Flixter - which are pretty entertaining I must say. That what I do and how I spend some time.

I've been praying more, ever since my daddy's heart attack. This whole thing with him has been a tremendous process and truly a test of my patience. When it comes to my daddy (yes I am 28 and I still call my daddy, Daddy), I have the patience of a 2 year old (or more specifically my 3 1/2 year old neice). I want it now! I've gotten better since he's been in the hospital but it's a challenge. I am truly what a Daddy's Little Girl is. I talk to him everyday, asking him the same silly questions, "What are you doing? What's for Lunch?" Mind you I live at home with my parents and will have these conversations like I don't see them everyday. But that's how I do with my daddy. I'm prayin' for him, being the Vice President of his fan club (it's only right that my mom is President), going to see him as often as I can but still trying to maintain my life (two jobs, personal projects, personal problems and all that jazz). I've been through to much....

People still find time to get on my good black nerves. But as long as it's there and they're there then it's gravy.

I recently raised money for Breast Cancer Awareness month and I'm proud about that. I was happy to be involved. I'm even happier that my co-workers indulged me and let me put pink "ribbons" on the hands for those who didn't wear pink October 26th. It was pretty good and I am very pleased about how it unfolded. I'm happy to say that it will be a tradition that I continue in the years to come.

It's interesting how people get involved in projects and causes only AFTER they've affected them directly. I know that I'm guilty of it but I also know that I am not a bad person because of it. In some cases it doesn't matter why you get involved, just be involved.

I'm inspired to make changes in my life and in my community. I have projects and things that I am working on and I have more than enough things to keep me busy.

I'm still trying to iron out things for my 10 year High School reunion. Why am I doing it and not my senior class officers? We won't go there. One way or the other I am really ready for 2007 to be over. I will make best of the days that I have left in the year and in my life. I'll keep doing what I have to do.

Maybe I'll get better at posting these things, or maybe not. One way or the other you're still gonna love me.

Welcome Back

2008-09-26T12:41:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time...it's funny. I have so much to say, so many different ways to say it but yet, I don't blog. I have, on Yahoo! 360, on MySpace, I've even posted a few "notes" on Facebook. But nothing has been consistent with me. So to that I say, welcome back. I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and get back to this thing. There are some great things that can come from blogging and I am looking to reap some of those rewards.

So with that said - Welcome Back!