Consider the Source

So there's a young man, and when I say young I mean he's not even 25 yet, who I was involved with for a little while has an interesting perspective on why he won't go to church. I've invited him to church a few times and each time he makes the joke that he can't afford the cover charge, referring to the offering. Last night as I was on my way somewhere, he started to express his feelings about the things that I've given up for Lent and the whole thing about Lent. Additionally, he mentioned how he equates church folk as being hypocritical, two faced and backstabbing. He talked about how the current church is so far from what Jesus preached and talked about, how so many bad things have been done world wide under religion, wars, slavery, etc.

Now I am not one to get in arguments about religion because I am not going to knock you for what you believe and not by place to judge you. The case of this young man is no different. While he makes valid points about some people who go to church and what they do in the church, I will not buy into his whole argument about the church as an institution and his feelings about church. And here's why: While there may be some truth to the quality of character of some people who attend church, I love my church family. We are flawed and imperfect. We have problems, scars, wounds and all types of issues. That being said, we also have each other. 

Today, one of my church members got up and testified about what she's going through, she's battling cancer. But she got up and testified about her faith and what's she's going through, just truly amazing. And then to see her get up with so much strength, to see so many people rally around her and her family, praying for her strength and the strength of her family, praying for healing. It was a truly powerful moment. In case you didn't know, I am in the choir at my church. No I am not a soloist, just a choir member. On Friday night at rehearsal, we decided to bring back an old song from our old church. The words are: Clean this house on the inside, Unlock all doors each room shall be open to You This house was build for Your dwelling Reign over this house, it's for You. 

God works in such amazing ways. We had no idea that Mrs. Brumfield was going to get up and give such a powerful testimony. We had rehearsed a few songs not knowing that we would only sing two. To me going to church is a lot more than the sideways talk and the foolishness. I do my best not to get involved, especially if it doesn't affect me directly. There were so many powerful things about my church and my church going experience, like today with Mrs. Brumfield and her testimony and the choir singing powerful and moving songs, outside of sickness it'll take a lot for me to stop going to church. Now I have been frustrated with certain things that are going on in some of the church like things going on in my choir with the soloists vs. the non soloists - the favorites vs. the choir members. But rather than give up on my choir, I will pray for them because I know that they are flawed just like I am. I know that they are going through things in their lives much like I am going through things in mine, but knowing that we are working together for a common goal, gives way to a little leeway. 

As for the youngsta and his opinions, he can keep them. He doesn't hold much weight as far as I'm concerned. He wavers on things, he's inconsistent, he's one of those people that he talks bad about. When I think of people and some of the things that they say to me, I really have to consider the source. If I don't respect you or believe anything that you say, why would I even bother to acknowledge or listen to anything you have to say. I'm not going to get into an argument with you. You have your feelings, your opinions based on your life experiences. I can't nor would I want to take that away from you. But you should also consider what you say and who you say it to. It may be a situation where you are just wasting your breath trying to sound intelligent when you are really ignorant. Before you open your mouth to "venture an opinion" ask yourself, if you are a credible source on the matter. If so, feel free to say what you want to, but if not - shut the hell up because you really don't know what you're talking about and you're really just wasting time. Time you could spend building your credibility.

How Can I...

Be happy for you when you don't even talk to me anymore?

Be mad at you for this long?

Say I want something and not work towards it?

Keep your secret that you didn't even tell me?

Love you and not myself?

Hear you and not listen to my own heart?

Continue to live like this?

Love Grey's so much?

Have so much to do and not enough time to get it done?

Play so tough and crack so hard?

Be happy for you when I know you're not in a good place?

Trust the words coming out of your mouth when I don't even trust your character?

Be of the same family with someone and not talk or like them?

Like you when you don't even talk to me and barely know that I exist?

Be great when I am afraid of my own greatness? How Can I NOT be!

I Was Just Wondering

If I told you how I felt, would you embrace it and embrace me because you're feelings were the same? 

If I told you that the mere thought of you brings a smile to my face and a little bit of warmth to my heart?

If I told you that the sight of you disgusts me on the inside, could you handle that?

If I told you that the bullshit you're going through is really your fault, would you blame me and get mad or would you own it and know that I was telling you the truth in love, not hate

If I told you that you need to step your game up so you can get on the next level, would you take that the right way or the wrong way

If I told you that our relationship was built on a lie, not a malicious one by one of convenience.

If I told you that I loved you, would you run away or would you stay to see what that REALLY meant.

If I asked you to let me go, so I can come back to you later, would you do it or would you just hold on to me til it was no more.

If I told you how I really felt at all time about you, about me, about us - would you run because it was too much or would you come closer because it wasn't enough. 

If sex was just sex, could you handle that and that the moments in the bed stay in the bed

If I told you that the sex was only worth it because it was with you and that's why I did it anyway, not because was good but because it was you.

If I choose you or you choose me or did we choose each other

If your silence was your way of saying I can't and I won't

If it's only one sided, one way

If your wife really knew about our past and what should have been if you had tapped into your potential

Why you lied about having a girl to someone who could have cared less in the first place

If your ignorance is bliss or your curse

Why you didn't do better when you clearly could have

If this blog is about him, her, them, us or me

I was just wondering if it was just me...

Blogging From the Bath Tub (Feb. 11, 2010)

The last couple of days have been pretty awesome. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Things happened that shouldn't be taken for granted, though. Every day that passes and I am not a member of the Parents Who Have Passed on Society is a good thing. Right now I am sitting in my bath tub with a candle lit and my iTunes playing from my computer. Calmness. Peace. Contentment. A soothing feeling that I can't describe other than saying, Jesus thank you. A nice cooked meal would top this evening off, accompanied with a glass of wine. But since I didn't cook and it's well after 8pm, I will have to "settle" for the glass of wine (oh darn). I could get used to this. Something so simple as a bath, a candle and an eclectic music mix - something so simple with so much power. Maybe this is how I kick off my I love me some me weekend. Who knows what's on tap for tomorrow (other than choir rehearsal), but for right now, I thank God for this moment right here. Peace, calm, relief all wrapped up into one. Right now, I've found my peace in my valley.

Feb. 11, 2010

I have a couple of friends who have pretty awesome blogs. Not just talking about what they are talking about, but the lay out and everything. is absolutely awesome. But then I think to myself " How do you have that much time to blog about so many things and still have a full time job? Maybe you don't have as many things on your plate but I just don't have the time like that. Or I'm not managing my time well. Same same.

So Col. Mustard shot himself in the foot and as they say in the Chi "He Gon'!" I love when people take themselves out of my life. It makes it easier on me. I don't really like cutting people off but if you say or do something so contradictory to what I believe you can get gone! 

James is feelin' himself. Good for him. 

Dud is on his way out of town, told him to have a safe trip. 

I love people and when I say that I mean that I really don't. People are absolutely amazing. Yesterday, people were completely up in arms about the John Mayer Playboy article. I thought it was interesting how people initially only posted part of his interview where he dropped the N word and talked about a few black women. In reading the whole article, I am not defending what he said. But I just don't understand the difference between him saying it in an interview (by the way that was really poor editing by the Playboy staff) and the average person saying in a conversation with their homies. 

*Footnote - it's better to have too much guac and not enough chips than not enough guac and too many chips*

My department head thinks that I have bronchitis, that sucks! But that would explain this lingering cough. 

I'm getting ready to head to a meeting on campus. My hope is that Anita breaks out in song. 

More Randomness

So I have been sitting here in peace and quiet. I had a brief textsation (conversation via text message - yeah I made that up) with a guy that I dated almost 10 years ago (DAMN has it really been that long, I guess so) who commented on my previous blog entry (don't worry, I won't put you on blast - in case you're reading today). He said that he thought that I had a lot going on. I went back and re-read my blog. Man if you think that's a lot, you haven't seen anything yet.

I am trying to adjust to life without TV. I am trying to make some decisions about certain things in my life, in an effort to budget. Far too often I get caught up trying to keep up with the Jones', but them foolios ain't worried about me so why should I be worried about them.

Tonight when I got home, I was quite distracted about whatever. I'm still not feeling 100 so my first thought was to get in the bed and get some rest. That didn't work too tough. I knew that I wasn't going to have one of my moments where I started calling people in my phone book just to talk.

*Footnote - I reallllllllllllly hate the reply all button. I wish people would stop overusing it! Damn!*

One thing that I haven't really talked about recently is my battle with depression. One thing about this blog is that it is an honest look at my life, my struggles, my victories and defeats. The average person won't put themselves on blast like I do, which can be a good and a bad thing. Some aspects of my life I need to be more open, others I should probably keep to myself. Maybe when I grow up, I'll know when to say when. I suffer from depression. Not the kind where I need drugs and I'm hella crazy (maybe I should start taking the pills - that was a joke). Around this time last year (January 2009) I started seeing a psychologist. The first thing that I told her is that I want to get well without using drugs. Over the course of our sessions, I learned things about myself,  about my behaviors and about my environment which cause me stress and lead to my depression. On the depression scale, I am on the mild side of things. There is a lot in my life to be grateful and thankful for. My hope is that in time I will hold more to that than the alternative.

Tonight, I was reading a classmate from high school's blog.

*Footnote - it is inspiring to share the same space with talented people. At times I forget what I am capable of and it takes seeing someone else express themselves to know that it's okay for me to express my talents too*

In reading this classmate's blog, one blog of interest was her perspective on the statement "there are no good men out there". I read her blog, re-read mine and realized that the guys in the picture weren't totally the problem. Granted a big problem in most relationships is communication or more complexly communicating expectations and hopes. I believe James and Mr. Dud are pretty good guys. I'm pretty sure they just aren't right for me. That Col. Mustard though...he might be kinda shady. Incompatible doesn't mean universally bad - it means bad for you. You are not the standard on what is right and wrong in relationships, so if you have a bad experience with a guy, it might just be the situation - two people, two different books, not right, not wrong - just different.

So I pulled myself together and made it to work today (I was out for the last couple of days with flu like symptoms). A little goes a long way when it comes to makeup can not be any closer than the truth.  I believe in the grand scheme of things I am a natural beauty. I have great skin (thanks mom and dad) and a natural smile (when I do smile). I think my personality is pretty awesome most of the time too. I think that part of my natural beauty in my slightly tomboyish innocence which also gets me in trouble. I know the importance of pulling all the stops out (hair, feet, nails - all the girly shit), I just don't embrace it regularly. That's just not me. The funny thing about that is, I have TONS of MAC makeup. Why, because I like the way it looks on other people and I do like the way it looks on me. Plus getting it at a discount helps...(pause while I take call from Richard)

*Footnote - I took a phone call from a friend of mine, read him my blog so far. He seemed to like it, except for the footnote part. He thought they should be called sidenotes. No boo, my blog, my notes. Deal with it!

Anyway, I put on some lip color, one eye shadow, liner and mascara. There were some comments like "wow, you're all made up today". I didn't think adding a little color could mean so much but apparently it does. If you know anything about MAC, you know that not only do they use WAYYYYYYYYYY more than one, they often use bright and bold. Definitely not the case for me, going into work, even if I was going to athletics. Anyhoo, the meeting was fairly productive except I could hardly talk and sounded really nasally most of the time. But I am excited to work with athletics (insert smirk here). 

I talked to Dud today. We actually have some work to discuss so we will probably talk tomorrow. Nothing's going to come from it. He, like my Ninja Turtle *remember I change the names to protect me from getting my ass kicked* will most likely be admired from a far. And I am cool with that. For now, let's focus on doing me, loving me, appreciating me, spending time with me, catering to me. Everyone else who matters will still be there when I'm done. 

~Good night~ with a shot of Henny!

Random Ramblings on Men/Relationships/Life

When I intitally grabbed my laptop and brought it into my room, I did so because I had some things that I wanted to blog about. But I got distracted playing with my phone and what not (I got a Blackberry recently and I just put some of my iTunes on it to create some ring tones - yeah I know, don't judge me). 

I have been feeling a lot of different things lately. Most of them have not been too positive: Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Pain. These are all feelings that I've had in the last week. I think of all those things that I have been feeling, disappointment and sadness stick out the most. I think for me because they go hand in hand. I have been disappointed a lot lately by guys (big shocker I know). But I honestly don't know if it's me, them, both or neither. I think it has to be looked at on a case by case basis. 

For example, let's look at the case of James Bond *the names have been changed to prevent me from getting my ass kicked later on down the line* James and I have known each other for quite some time (since middle school). After we'd been hanging out/hooking up for a little bit of time, I decided to tell him something that I thought he knew, that I liked him. Well 3 weeks later, I haven't seen or talked to him since. 

*Footnote - I asked my best friend why she thought that I was single. Her response was that I give too much of myself too quickly and it can be overwhelming or intimidating. She said that I was just that type of person whether it's in intimate relationships or in platonic friendships. I personally don't see it as a bad thing, but I also see where she's coming from*

Now, I didn't know that me telling you that I liked you translated to you that I was trying to marry you by my next birthday. But if that's how you took it, then there is nothing that I can do for you. We obviously have a break down in communication. But because you're a punk ass, there's nothing more I need to say to you, except kick rocks. 

Then there is Col. Mustard. The situation with Col. Mustard doesn't need a whole lot of explaining. We hooked up once, we had a "situation during the session". Haven't hooked up since. One of the major reasons is that he didn't tell me that he had a chick. The problem is that the dude was talkin' about how he didn't want to get in a relationship with anyone and blah blah blah. I found out based on some investigating (and that's all I'ma say about it). Gone from 'round here!

Then there is Mr. Milk Dud. He has no clue that I even have my eyes on him and at this point, it will stay that way. Given a lot of factors, I won't put myself out there for rejection. You deal with what you got going on. We'll talk during the off season - when I'm hella busy and stressed out.

*Footnote - I just bought and am listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. I heard this song a while ago watching TV with my dad. I remembered that I liked that song a lot back in the day and decided to give iTunes $1.29 for it - good thing it was from a gift card*

If there is some truth that my life is a reflection of my house, then I understand why things are the way they are. I have never been a neat person but I've never been a slob. I've functioned for so long in what can be called chaos, I don't know what to do.

I think it's safe to say that the first two are more disappointing while the last one is fear. I often wonder what I would do if I wasn't afraid. Most times I am really happy that I have a filter and don't always shoot from the hip. But I wonder what my life would be like if I shot from the hip more often....

Disappointment

I think that the people closest to me have proven to be the biggest source of disappointment. One of my BFFs agreed to help me with a project and hasn't. I understand that she has stuff going on, but she committed to helping me with this project, she put herself out there and said that she would help. #fail! 

*Footnote - one thing I have never been good at is reading people or reading the writing on the wall, never been my strong suit*

Last October I took a friend with me to a pretty big event on the East Coast. We agreed that she would contribute some to the rental car and hasn't. At this point it's really not about the money. It's about the disrespect that you have shown me by not paying me the money YOU said you would pay. Then PLEASE don't talk to me about buying anything or anything. You have changed so much because of him, I hope it's worth it. 

One word that I didn't use earlier was distracted. I have been so damn distracted with so much and I just don't know how to feel about that. There are times when I really do feel like I have Adult ADD or something. I can't focus long enough to do much these days. I might really need to start writing things down. And with all the cute notepads I have it really shouldn't be too hard. 

I guess the moral of this blog *SHIT I HAVE A MEETING AT HAAS TOMORROW! FUCK THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BE CUTE(R) FOR WORK TOMORROW ! SHIT!* Once again, my adult ADD has taken a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I had a good point to make. Lord knows that now I don't know what it is. Maybe if I babble a little bit more, it'll come back to me. (Truth is - that never really works out for me. Once it's lost, it's gone for good).

I hope in 2010, I can get some of the chaos that I've been functioning in together. I hope I can meet some real people who discuss real things, who use real talk and have real action in their lives. 

I miss some of the people from my early 20s and even my past life. I miss when things seemed to be a lot easier.

Your husband/boyfriend has a thing for me and has had said thing for quite sometime. He's even suggested that we kick it, even though we're friends. I feel a certain way about that whole situation. I try to avoid you and your husband/boyfriend if I can. 

What else can I babble about? Nothing. Let's go have a couple of spoons of ice cream, chase it with some Nyquil and water and go to bed. You've said a lot and nothing. Life is always about interpretation.

Propped Up In Purple - Random Moment

Purple's my favorite color. I have a purple laptop, a purple phone and purple prescription eyeglasses.